Kotaku Robot Wars Round 2: The Quickening
The first round of Kotaku’s Robot Wars have left four U.S. cities in ruins and four video game robots nothing more than mounds of melted plastic and metal. Who survived to fight again?
Well that all depends on who you ask. As we mentioned yesterday, we’re doing this three ways. The actual outcomes have been determined by random number tumbling, with you, the readers, placing your predictions up against Crecente’s automated R2-D2, which is using the randomly running over scraps of paper method of prediction. In the end, we’ll not only know who is the top video game robot, but also a heartwarming tale of man’s triumph over machine, or vice versa.
Let’s take a look at the results of round 1!
How You Voted
First, we’ll run down how you folks voted as of the writing of this post.
Optimus Prime VS. Dog
Optimus Prime: 64% (2917 votes)
Dog: 36% (1651 votes)
Winner: Optimus Prime
Mega Man VS. HK-47
Mega Man: 60% (2676 votes)
HK-47: 40% (1798 votes)
Winner: Mega Man
Portal Turrets VS. Kos-Mos
Portal Turrets: 50% (2219 votes)
Kos-Mos: 50% (2256 votes)
Winner: Kos-Mos by the skin of her teeth
Robo VS. Fruit Fucker 2000
Robo: 42% (1865 votes)
Fruit Fucker 2000: 58% (2527 votes)
Winner: Fruit Fucker 2000
How R2-D2 Voted
Using its powerful randomly running around ability, Crecente’s R2-D2 robot picked Optimus Prime, Kos-Mos, Mega Man, and Fruit Fucker 2000. So both the robot team and the human team had the same picks.
And they were both half-right.
The Official, Randomised Results
In Los Angeles, Kos-Mos senses the dangerous Portal Turrets before they sense her, blasting them into bits and taking a good-sized chunk of the Los Angeles Convention centre with them in the process. Optimus Prime and Half-Life 2’s Dog smash through downtown New York City, leveling buildings left and right until Optimus gently puts Dog down with a laser sword to the head. In San Francisco, Mega Man’s buster proves an insufficient weapon against Knights of the Old Republic’s resident homicidal droid, with HK-47 stopping at a junkyard to sell the blue bomber’s parts for scrap, killing the junkyard owner and several curious dogs in the process. Finally, in scenic Raleigh, North Carolina, Chrono Trigger’s Robo patiently waits for the Fruit Fucker to stop trying to have sex with him, eventually losing patience and crushing him like a can of vending machine fruit juice.
The remaining robots sense that the key to returning to their own realities lies in the transponders high atop Kotaku Towers. Unfortunately their battles have taken out the towers in New York, San Francisco, Colorado, Los Angeles, and Raleigh (that one was made of sticks), so they now turn their attentions to the other side of the globe…
Results So Far
With both human and robot predictions being exactly the same, the human race and machines are now tied at 50% accuracy each. Perhaps round 2 will change things up a bit.
Round 2, Fight!
OPTIMUS PRIME VS. HK-47
Feeling a deep ancestral pull to the land of the rising sun, Optimus Prime makes his way across the ocean, making a beeline for the Japanese branch of Kotaku Tower. Unbeknownst to him, HK-47 bought a plane ticket with the money he made scrapping Mega Man and is on his way to the tower himself, after stopping by a store for some gashapon.
KOS-MOS VS. ROBO
Wary of the reception that a blue-haired, scantily clad anime girl would receive in Japan, Kos-Mos instead makes a pilgrimage to the Canberra, Australia branch of Kotaku Tower, somehow missing the giant Chrono Trigger robot plodding along behind her.
- Next Post: Activision Reveals Its E3 2009 Lineup »
- « Previous Post: Our Missing Video Game Robot Hero
@jazzBRO: First rule of Kotaku Comment Club: always comment without reading the article and especially without reading the linked article.
Statement: A vote for HK-47 is a vote for killing off stupid meatbags who can't be arsed to read things before they comment.
Advisory: It is suggested that you run before my blaster warms up, meatbags.
Finally, the original optimus!
@liquid_kore: I don't blame you...
@Ghostwise: Reading is fundamental
KillaB43
The voting means nothing. It's all random, that's the official results.
SagiMewtwo
@acidcrownie needs to learn how to use Photoshop.: That's dumb. A random number is something that, by definition, can't be predicted.
zegota
@Neon:
1. Nobody really cares that much, the article's are entertaining little reads not a some serious contest. If it's that important to you then, well just wow.
2. The outcome would be Optimos Prime wins, there I saved them the trouble.
3. Fahey appears to be author of the article not Crecente.
bkchurch
@Masonvrocks: And yet, no matter which of the two had won, it would still be a disgrace.
Portal fans would disregard the fact that KOS-MOS has infinitely better fighting ability, and tit fans would disregard that there was any other choice.
spannu
It astounds me how few people read the damn article and still can't bring themselves to understand how this works. I was under the impression Kotaku was one of the few bastions of intelligent discourse in the gaming community.
bkchurch
@Neon: Like it really matters? If popularity contests matter that much, go to GameFAQs.
nworobes
Now that's an Optimus I can get behind.
@OrigamiNinja: Ah, but they matter to the outcome of man vs. machine. WE are fighting Crecente's R2-D2 to see who wins with the best PREDICTION percentage. The robot fights are totally randomized, and our voting is our prediction.
@Oreot: we forgive you
πæπœ
@Vedli: Glowing Statement: Votes? Oh master, you should have known I could not be stopped by such a thing....
Dangeresque: Moustaches or GTFO
@Oreot: Although veering dangerously close, this is still not IGN.
Hmm thats odd entered Kotaku.com and somehow wound up at GameFAQs
Silverbackne
You know, after seeing how some of these types of bracket battles play out (see GameFaqs greatest game of all time), I'm kinda glad the results are randomized.
At least until my pick fails.
IngramSeagull
@TheNexusRebound: Oh. Damn.
I think you may be on to something...
Zyconis
Comonnnn HK-47!
@Zyconis: OP would just die give the Matrix of leadership to Hotrod and Rodimus beats her down. I mean come on the transformers destroyed a giant planet eating god robot!
@Vedli: As "The Touch" plays in the background.
I'm glad KOS-MOS made it through.
Before getting all bent out of shape about the results, read the article FFS!!! Kotaku readers get to vote with their predictions, but the final outcome is randomized.
Man the randomizing could have OP offed by some droid? That blows energon biscuits man. We will just have to see what tomorrows random comes up with.
@Ghostwise:
Read the goddamn article!!!!!
@jazzBRO:
Sadly, only 1% of the people here actually read the articles before commenting. Sad isn't it?
@jazzBRO:
Ok, I see what I missed. But it really is rather convoluted and poorly explained. But I was wrong, forgive me.
Oreot
Crecente, PLEASE do this again with actual votes determining things.
Neon
@DoomDoomDoom:
If you think of an actual fight I'm guessing they wouldn't. Honestly, just sneak up behind them.
WTF man? The results showed Fruit Fucker Fucked Robo to death. I call shenanigans!
Ghostwise
@Mokon:
I bet a fair number of people voted for Kos-mos just because she has boobs.
@Skyline7284: They were actually behind by a good 20% or so when I voted for them.
@Masonvrocks: Yes, but our votes DO NOT MATTER to the outcome.
OrigamiNinja
@Mike Fahey:
Sweet, thanks for the explanation. Loved the Fruit Fucker fight.
@Mokon: The polls are a lie.
Squirrelbot3000
@Vedli: One shall stand, and one shall fall.
Squirrelbot3000
@liquid_kore: You have ruined Portal for me....
Robo & HK-47 fo' life.
@Goldwings: Has no idea why his avatar is a smiling sun:
In the case of Optimus, it's both.
Squirrelbot3000
@Masonvrocks: It's actually random, and the writing out the fights is also based on the random. Look at it this way: We already had our fan-picked winners on Monday. Optimus Prime won the giant poll. This gives us a little more substance to the whole thing.
@ShaggyB: RTFA
@Masonvrocks: I bet a fair number of people voted for Kos-Mos just because they are sick of Portal memes. I know I am. Thanks for ruining that game for me Internet.
Mokon
@khronos27: Yeah, I was scratching my head over that one too.
Oh, and get rid of that movie Optimus abomination. Cab over Gen 1 design rules above all.
Squirrelbot3000
@Masonvrocks: They were ahead when i voted for them :(
@Oreot: FFS, does anyone actually read entire articles anymore before commenting?
jazzBRO
fruit fucker has improved reaming action.... i call foul.
eggulocity
Portal turrets should have won.
Im guessing by robo you meant fruit f'er so i chose robo o.0.
Are you joking me! The portal turrets lost by so little! I'm disgraced by you Portal fans.
@Sonicslasher:
Yes but we voted for megaman to win!
Statement: Those meatbags who voted for Megaman and Optimus Prime will be ground into a fine paste.
@nypad5: I'm not so sure that KOS-MOS couldn't seriously mess him up.
Zyconis
@khronos27: Because this isn't a popularity contest... its about which robot has the best random number algorithm.
And any sufficiently advanced random number algorithm is completely indistinguishable from magic.
Also Robo's fight was hilarious.
IngramSeagull
@khronos27: Apparently the votes were just to see who we thought would win.
The post says the actual results were randomized.
Zyconis
@khronos27: The actual outcomes have been determined by random number tumbling, with you, the readers, placing your predictions up against Crecente's automated R2-D2, which is using the randomly running over scraps of paper method of prediction.
@khronos27: I think the way this works is that the editors have already written out who they want to fight each other and have written descriptions of said showdowns. So while we get to vote on who we think is coolest in each round of fighting, how we vote and how "R2-D2" votes (still confused on that one, I assume it's some sort of toy that moves around) is both irrelevant, and just the randomized results affect who makes it to the next round.
Not the most intuitive system, but I have no problem with it.
nworobes
K.. we alredy know Optimus Prime is the best..He is...so Lets just make him the winner now people. He would crush everyone on that list.
nypad5
Rigged! Rigged!
*throws a chair*
:)
baberg
@khronos27: Read the post more carefully. Kotakuites get to vote on predictions, the final outcome is randomized.
I thought Fruit Fucker won...
"Fruit Fucker 2000: 58% (2527 votes)
Winner: Fruit Fucker 2000"
Oreot
also didnt the fruit fucker win?
ShaggyB
Shows what I know, only one I got right was Mega Man. If only the portal turrets had boobs.
Go popularity, I mean survival to the fittest!
no fruit fucker, no care
i call shenanigans
@khronos27: "In San Francisco, Mega Man's buster proves an insufficient weapon against Knights of the Old Republic's resident homicidal droid, with HK-47 stopping at a junkyard to sell the blue bomber's parts for scrap, killing the junkyard owner and several curious dogs in the process."
Sonicslasher
@khronos27: Same thing goes for Robo, he was beaten by Fruit Fucker 2000.
CasvalRemDeikun
@khronos27:
It's magic. they don't have to explain shit!
...wait. It's not magic? Robots you say?
uhhh...
Wait, didn't the post say that users voted Megaman to beat HK-47? Why is he still in it?
@Turambar: B> Selvaria Body Pillow:
Lack of sexy revealing legs, which is why v3 is my second to the least favorite version. But yeah, for some reason I prefer v4 over v1. ;p
paulrenzo
@paulrenzo: v3 is superior. Cat-ear fanboys can gtfo ;P
@ArrestedDeveloper: Optimus won, Robo won, HK-47 won, KOS-MOS won. I'd say every awesome robot kicked ass.
@Zyconis: Im sure Optimus would win that fight blind folded
Kos shows up
Optimus stands there confused
pulls out frying pan and hands it to Kosmos
Optimus points to the kitchen
Victory
nypad5
@original post indicated this would wind down to Kotaku simply picking whichever robot it thought it should advance regardless of votes. So, yes, when stupid people can't comprehend what is very clearly written in the article you get called out for it.
@Kobun:
The point of the poll was to guess who would win in the story arc that Kotaku has clearly already precrafted based on their randomly selected winners. The poll is for predictions. That's it. What about that can't you comprehend?
bkchurch
Comments (AU Comments | US Comments)
Pretty easy to see where this is going! I bet you $5 Dog would have had a chance if he had just starred in a blockbuster action movie directed by Michael Bay…
wow....Megaman was the only robot I actually cared about.
Crux117
@TheNexusRebound: And destroying Orson Wells is no small feat.
+ Watch video
@πæπœ: The portal turrets might forgive, but my hatred burns forever, as strong and pure as the white-hot sun...
How is it possible that every awesome robot lost their match up? I'm disgusted with all of you.
@+ Watch video
KillaB43