The Onion Announces “Smaller Breast” Rendering Tech

The best thing about this stereotype is that in reality, most female characters in games are of average build. The reason hypersexual female characters appear to some to be the norm is a simple gender/sexual identification issue; men are far more likely to notice and remember sexually charged female images than non-sexual depictions, whether real, realistic or artistic.

It's a total perception bias.

Adramelech

@Gaijin is a DIRTY word!: It's a psychological thing

Pyro Jack Frost

Damn you technology, DAMN YOU TO HELL!

@HJSoulma: Now your just putting pictures of soapy bathing D breasts inside peoples heads!

I'm fine the huge, motorboating-worthy jugs, no problem here

Nobody has an uncanny valley joke? Valley...cans? No one? Ok, good night folks.

gaijira

@716: Yeah, you should've ended your comment with an "lol" or ";)"
I think blogging should be taught in schools. Blogging101 for idiots.

Realistic women and medicine in WoW?!? It's a great time to be a gamer! ;D

@Kenny:

wow you guys sure know your bra sizes lol

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!: Huh I was expecting Konata to jump in here but a proxy will serve. Ahem, a flat chest is a STATUS symbol! Extremely rare and VALUABLE! There is no shame in the preference for pettanko or as the image boards would put it, Delicious Flat Chest.

Kurokawa

@sentroshi:
Yeah I love that one too. It is one of my favorites as well, it is formatted very much like a dream too. I gotta give The Onion a lot of credit for the work they do.

bklooster

@exdi: It's similar to the hang ups people have on weight alone instead of looking at other factors which better determine fitness/shape/etc.

Y'know, I've been thinking about it, and I think it's time to get edumacational. Bra size doesn't tell you a whole lot about the QUALITY of the boobs; I have a friend who wears a 34B, and her boobs are way more poppin' than mine will ever be. A lot depends on the actual shape and fat distribution. I could make a similar argument for clothing size. SIZE DOESN'T MATTER. It's how you use it, amirite? <_<;

I can't believe I just posted this.

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!: ahahahaha what a fag

.Ota.

@Kenny:

+ Watch video

@slyeye: I'd link to a BME picture, but I'm sure it's against the rules. :p

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!: I didn't think my post needed further clarification (maybe I should have followed it with a "LOL"?), but here we go: large-breasted women of the world, if you're feeling shunned right now, know that I love and accept you.

@Bialia ಠ_ಠ needs your AC fruit!: Thanks mates!

716

@HJSoulma: Pictures or it doesn't happen. ^^

Combine

@Faselei: NO!!!

NOOOO!!!

My life is meaningless.. I'VE BEEN HAD!!!

TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!:

you are not alone, anything more than a handful is wasteful. i really don't care for humongous or rather large breasts on women, sure when i was younger, but now i think 'regular' size are perfect.

also, a nice bum doesn't hurt either, i'd trade nice 't's for a nice 'a' any day.

And now for a commercial break. This is for all you big bewb lovers! ;)

+ Watch video

Captain McNinja ಠ_ಠ

@sentroshi: "but I don't need a dead baby"

FloodZone

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!: 716's comment was clearly a joke. Read it again. :p

Bialia ಠ_ಠ needs your AC fruit!

@Deaf Mute:
@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!:
FAIL.

Read more carefully guys.

@716:
That was a funny post...Ignore the illiterates.

Faselei

as is typical with the onion, the last line of the article (in this case about shamen in world of warcraft practicing modern medicine) got me even more than the rest of the article.

raffleking

@MaximusDM: Amen to that...but for the sake of the 2 commenters ahead of me, a compromise...

A slider to tweak it to "girlfriend/parent" mode.

NoHoldsBarred

@716: Let's jump to conclusions! Hooray!

I'm dating my girlfriend because she's smart, beautiful and a wonderful person to hang around.

She also happens to have breasts, I love them. Is there anything wrong with that?

TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!

@716: Uh?

How are we shallow because we like breasts? Are women shallow because they like men with a fit figure or a tight butt?

You must be incredibly ugly or stupid, to not realize you can appreciate or have physical preferences while also being capable of appreciating people for who they are.

that or you're a girl and can't get any with your tiny tits

@Hyetal:

The Onion is the most accurate news reporting source in the world. Not even close.

Matt0505

Thank you all thread posters, especially mellowspaz and HJsoulma, for giving me mental images that will forever fight for dominance in my head for the rest of the day.

Great way to start the weekend.

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!: You guys are all so shallow. When will you see women for their INNER BEAUTY, instead of letting some superficial imperfection like enormous breasts keep you away?

716

but not a ghetto booty. no cottage cheese here sir.

@Sheky: It's ok, I laugh, I laugh.

@GnatB: haha yeah probably.

@HJSoulma: He wouldn't be deeply saddened if you went around smelling other girl's breasts!

TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!

@exdi: Well, I personally would thing a guy with 32C man boobies would be too big, too...

as well as traumatizing...

and impotency inducing...

@Mister Adequate:

I think Faith was modeled as a Dude, explains her awkward asian look.

@mellowspaz: *snort* No, but I also don't sweat very much, so that may help. I also don't spend a lot of time asking other girls how their breasts smell, so maybe it's like a 50/50 chance or something.

...and I feel like my boyfriend would be deeply saddened if I started giving out my phone number to internet-strangers. XD

HJSoulma

@Go Go Gadget: Thugmunk: Well, I'm flattered, but I have a final paper due in the middle of the afternoon tomorrow, so Connecticut is kind of a no-go. ^^;

(Also, really? It's only supposed to be like 65 in MA. Lucky.)

HJSoulma

@TrjnRabbit:
Or not being able to see the girl's face.

I'm the same way I prefer a good sized A or B cup on my womenz.

Tom-Servo

@spannu: Didn't they make a Fight Club game?

TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!

I prefer a nice ass.

.. yep.

@Bialia ಠ_ಠ needs your AC fruit!: Nope, I'm male. I have a LOT of people tell me I look sort of girly though.

@HJSoulma: Wow. I think I can make an exception and say HOORAY D TITS! :D

@Moonshadow101: I assure you I had no hidden agenda in my comment. I also paid off the Jury so... yeah. ;)

@Sheky: I c wat u did thar

TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!

@Bialia ಠ_ಠ needs your AC fruit!:

I didn't experience sweaty tits, that would be my oldest brother. He said he dated a girl with D-sized BOOBIES and it started grossing him out since they were beginning to smell like armpits in the middle of "activities." He also now prefers smaller tits, I will not go into the details.... I think.

mellowspaz

Wait, what did EA do with Faith then =O

@MaximusDM:
I do.

It's actually a good thing to be able to play a game with female characters and not have anyone who comes into the room think you're watching some sort of softcore porn.

TrjnRabbit

@HJSoulma:

Do you use deodorant underneath your tits? Just asking... and may I have your number?

mellowspaz

@HJSoulma: DO WANT.

Yeah, went there and got all immature at your lovely probably perfect D sized breasts. So what.

Boom- internet.

By the way, I would like to put that to the test. It will be 90 degrees tomorrow in Connecticut. I expect you to be there, with the freshest breasts, and allow me to smell them to determine if your claim is true or false. It is only the proper thing to do. It is my duty as a man.

@mellowspaz: What?!?! Seriously???

Bialia ಠ_ಠ needs your AC fruit!

@Captain McNinja ಠ_ಠ: Nah. The robots will rise up and slay us all before us all, then the ones they don't kill, they'll make us into batteries. Or it'll be like the Jetsons. 1 of the 2.

@Kynes: Sir Mix-A-Lot would be proud. I agree though, the ass is where it is at. It could also make me realize my dream of seeing an Asian woman make her ass clap.

@mellowspaz: .... wow... you went there.

@Gaijin is a DIRTY word!:
I've always been under the assumption that guys like breasts (and the larger, mostly the better) because breasts are (usually) the most obvious evidence that a gal is a gal.

Though I'll agree, after a certain point they just start to look disgusting and flabby... which possibly subconciously means they're starting to look like they may simply belong to an overweight guy.

(and yeah, my only explanation I've ever been able to come up with for the DFC concept would probably get me disemvoweled.)

GnatB

@Captain McNinja ಠ_ಠ: It usually ends in a pretty sticky situation.

@Boom-Chicka-Ah: ba-dum-tish.

@mellowspaz: ...not if you bathe. o____o Jesus. I have D sized breasts, and I can tell you right now that even when it's in the 90's out, they are as clean and fresh smelling as any smaller pair of boobies. Bathing is really good for you.

HJSoulma

@mellowspaz: Seeing enormous testicles everyday? Heck I just look at a magnifying mirror.

slyeye

@dMo:
Meh, I love the new nightmare/dream one. :D

sentroshi

No pictures?

Tyler Nielson

@Kenny: Uh, a C-cup on a size 32 band seems rather large to me. I say this as a member of the fairer sex. /shrug

@Kenny: i gotta admit that video is pretty good but I like the sony one more.

Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!: I'm afraid it does. Go down town and turn in your penis.

/jk

@spannu:
Look for it in the next MLB 2K10, the one with A-Rod on the cover!

@spannu: ::Read's rule 34::

Hey! This might work!

slyeye

@uchennaokafor:
This could be the comment of the day, if not the week. Honestly, why is there no high quality ass clapping going on in my games? I admit, I can't immediately think of an appropriate context in the games I play, but I'm sure Soul Calibur could squeeze it in there somewhere.

@Boom-Chicka-Ah: OH MAN you totally had me going there!

really.

DoctorSaliva

@Kenny: My wife is 32c...

DOn't get any ideas, just saying i'm 100% with you

innuendo

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!:
It doesn't make you less manly, however it does make you gay. Sorry to break the news to you like this.

@Captain McNinja ಠ_ಠ: What about Mirror's Edge?

Ockeroid

@slyeye:

Just trying to help the boys out when you land a wife to avoid seeing enormous testicles every day. Is that so wrong?

mellowspaz

@Captain McNinja ಠ_ಠ: Also spine breaking if you've ever read the meanwhile's in "Squee!".

slyeye

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!:

I would've preferred you said "I see what you did there" instead.

Sheky

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!: Because it's true. If you look at girls who had big hooters when they were in their teens and then look at them when they're in their mid to late 30's, major saggage.

As for big butts, all I gotta say is: "big bottoms, big bottoms, talk about mudflasp, my girl's got 'em!"

+ Watch video

Actually, I prefer a tight, toned ass, but the song is so damn funny. XD

stupid_mcgee: uber pyro > zerg rush

@Mancomb Seepgood: "with no limits" can end in disaster. Or hilarity.

Captain McNinja ಠ_ಠ

@Boom-Chicka-Ah:
sarcasm

Are you serious? So all this time big breasted women in games were in because of technological drawbacks?
Huh...
And I though it was because the developers weren't allowed to look at porn on their jobs.
The more ya know.

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!: No.

Having come here to ask this question despite already knowing the answer may make you an enormous douche, however. Jury's still out.

Moonshadow101

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!: I thought you were a girl. :p

Bialia ಠ_ಠ needs your AC fruit!

i rather liked this feature added on 3D Custom Girl patch later on...

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!: Different strokes for different folks mate. Personally I think the bigger the better...with no limits. But if you like "petite" boobies then go for it.

@Sheky: come on, I kid, I kid.

Come on kid..

Come..

Cum.

PEDOPHILIA!

TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!

@mellowspaz: AGHHHH! MY MIND'S EYE BLEED BLOOD!

slyeye

@mellowspaz: Oh.. my god..

Why..? Why did you say such things?

TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!

How bout some ass physics guys, all these devs (except for god = Hideo Kojima) dont seem to pay enough homage to the ass, all these e-cups are getting old I want some cell powered booty shakin!!!

@mellowspaz: wow, enough to turn anyone off there :/

antspai01

32c's are perfect. B cups too. Hell, big tits look horrible as soon as the girls start getting older. i never understood the fascination with big boobs.

its not like they actually do anything for us guys, other than be something else to grab onto.

@Sheky:

_-_

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!:

I don't think so. If the tits get too big they start smelling like armpits underneath. Plus the sag factor makes big breasts look like nutsacks when they're 65 yrs old.

mellowspaz

@Sheky: :O ... just :O

antspai01

So I guess it will be a while before we see widespread implementation of DFC in gaming?

I guess I gotta hope for early Japanese adoption of this technology and that it slowly spreads to the west.

Video game heroines might start finally sporting sub-80cm chests? Finally.

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!: Sacraledge! ::***** slap!::

I kid, I kid, no it doesn't it only makes you less succeptable to marketing.

slyeye

This technology is years away. I'll be in a flying car being served hand and foot by a talking robot before this ever happens. Silly Onion!

Captain McNinja ಠ_ಠ

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!:

No, it just makes you more likely to be a pedophile.

Come on, I kid, I kid.

Sheky

@spannu: how can sony call home realistic if i can't have realistic man bewbs!

@spannu: OH GOD, GET ZANGIEF OUT OF MY HEAD

Ok, but who wants smaller boobs in gaming? Come on now.

Man I fucking love the Onion.

My fav by far is the youtube "actually good" contest.

+ Watch video

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!: hahaha, i hope it doesn't make you unmanly because I am in the same boat...

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!:

Yes. Yes it does. Same goes for me, unfortunately.

TacoBomber

It's a start, but I'm still waiting for the update that allows male characters to have the D-cups.

spannu

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!: Nope, same exact deal with me. Perfect boob size for me is a 32C. Anything bigger is too big, anything smaller is fine by me.

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!: Fucking capped that a, it should be lower case.

TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!

Is it weird I prefer A low B or a small C?

Does this make me unmanly?

TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!

It takes technology to do this? wtf?

xyzl

@[HJSoulma.deviantart.com]

Rawr :D

TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!

@spaz33: XD Not my intention. Sorry? Or, um, you're welcome? ...sorwelcome? o___o

HJSoulma

@Combine: You can probably find pictures of me if you google my handle (that sound dirty), but you may have to wade through slashy content to find them. Furthermore, my breasts are not exposed in said pictures.

HJSoulma

@Tyler Nielson: Well, they probably tried to make some 'bullshot' screenshots of it but the computer couldn't render it. Go figure.

I love big boobs. I'm very much the type of guy that really likes nice round, curvy, full-figured women. I'm a sucker for a Kim Kardashian or a Beyoncé.

That being said... I love the Onion, and they're so, so right. The modeling is insane in some of these games. I can't even play Ninja Gaiden all the way through if it features that blonde CIA agent with the 34DDD jugs, bouncing around inside the tightest leather... thing imaginable.

Anyone remember that fighting game, I think it was Dead or Alive, the first one, where when you put your age into the profiler the older you said you were the bigger the girls' boobs were and the more "bounce" they had? I find myself wondering if any 99 year old men played the game, and more importantly if they survived the experience.

Werrick

what's the pic?

thy_dungeonman

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!: XD If that picture deserves a "rawr" I feel like I've been seriously mislead as to what guys think is sexy.

HJSoulma

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!:

Size doesn't matter. Breasts can be pretty in most sizes.

Wahrheit

@716: i lol'ed. then i read the outraged responses and lol'ed harder. thanks!

@exdi: truth! size tells nothing of shape and err... consistency. hmm maybe that's not the right word...

3faced

All we need now is the tech to render man boobs.

coolguyface

@716: here's the problem with that.

Seeking out and understnading people on an individual bases is really rewarding but takes time. Things that take time and or effort aren't popular.

Things that catch attention at a visceral level are popular (thus marketable) There has been an amazing investment in to the mistyque of female breasts, and that social investment has paid off. Thus most video game/tv girls are represented with teh ample bosumz.

Not all guys are shallow, but being shallow seems to have more benefits than being "deep" especially when you are guilty of being a guy if even one stray thought crosses your mind.

There, I'm done.

>>for the record, 32C and lower is best IMO. I like girls that can double as running partners.

Don't they know that boobs are on a slider.

And that slider can go up, but when you try bringing it down, it glitches and doesn't allow you to move it down.

That's how Ivy was made.

JacqueChoi

@PhoenixAzure: Good thing I'm already comfortable being bi, or my intense attraction to her might have just caused some consternation :p

@Kenny: So the likes of Kiera Knightley what size is that? I'm sure with a short back and sides she could pass as a lad no problem.

Pudgie'sSmokerGivesAGoodTongueing

@Kenny: No way.. Are Video Games Preparing Our Children for the PostApocalyptic Future is my favorite. Followed closely by the panel on the UnPaganazation of Halloween.

Maxx_Needs_A_V8

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!:
Why yes, yes it does. Unfortunately the same happens to go for me :( Baaaaw.

FlamingZelda

Yay, small jubbilies getting attention too!

alzdaman

@3faced:

Not consistency. I think the word you're looking for is "honkability".

Sheky will be in a 2D orgy

@spannu: I believe your looking for saints row 2 my friend.

@TaylorEatWorld has become a Never-nude!:

Unmanly? No. Un-American? Yes.

Gaddammit! why is this even news!?

nesstee