WIN! Dante’s Inferno PS3/360 Game And Book

Dante came upon the gates of the Gamers’ Hell. He looked up, seeing an inscription, “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.” His guide, the Spectator hovered ghostly next to him. The Spectators were the souls of those that had committed neither sin, nor works of good. Instead, they preferred to live their lives watching other people play without joining the game. Dante moved through the gates, before him lay the infernal circles of Hell.

The first circle was limbo. Here resided those who had never played video games, and those who only played Wii. Having never played games they were unable to commit virtuous acts, and thusly unable to ascend to the Gamers’ heaven.

Coming upon the second circle, Dante discovered the first sin; not being a team player. Here souls are condemned to a never-ending darkness and forced to endure it alone. Dante’s eyes scanned the circle, as he walked through it, seeing such people as Leeroy Jenkins and James Bond. The Spectator guided him through the circle, taking him across a giant stone bridge to the next.

The third circle represented the sin of sloth. Here, the souls that never played games on any other difficulty than easy suffered. In the afterlife they found themselves relentlessly chased and killed by only the most difficult bosses. Dante entered the circle and found himself face to face with a demon wearing a gas mask upon his face. “Psycho Mantis,” he exclaimed as he drew his sword. He swung, his blade slashing harmlessly through the figure. But in Dante’s past life, he had played Metal Gear Solid, and knew how to best his foe. He sheathed his sword, drawing another that operated on the second controller port. With a mighty slash, he slew the demon. Another figure appeared, an angelic figure with one wing; Sephiroth. Dante ran, guided by the Spectator and quickly escaped to the next circle.

Spectator explained that the next two circles were entwined into one, catering to the antonymous sins of Pro and Noob. Dante listened as the Spectator explained that Pros were those who took every game much more seriously than was necessary. Instead of playing for a fun and honourable victory they sought to oppress other players and shout vulgarities over team speak when they lost. The Noobs on the other hand were players who were just plain rubbish, and didn’t care about the match, nor about improving their own skills. Dante smiled as he travelled through the circles. Each Pro’s punishment was to be placed on a team full of Noobs and play Modern Warfare 2 for all eternity. The Noobs punishment was to be forced to listen to an onslaught of insults and teabags from the Pro.

Past the next checkpoint, the sixth circle waited. Inside Dante found the sin of Fraud. Spectator explained that this circle was reserved for developers and retailers who had exploited their video games to extort as much money as possible from the virtuous gamers. Spinning discs hacked limbs from the developers that removed content from games and then sold them as DLC. Just ahead giant soundtracks, figurines and other exclusive special editions were chasing an Electronics Boutique employee around in circles.

Finally, Dante came upon the last circle; censorship. This circle was reserved for those who had committed far more insidious acts and crimes against the gaming community itself. The flaming chandeliers cast an unusual square shaped shadow over him. Quickly, he looked up, seeing the spiky stone Thwomp. He jumped forward as the giant stone block fell to the ground where had stood just seconds ago. More Thwomps fell and Dante jumped from place to place before reaching a safe checkpoint. Dante’s eyes filled with joy as he noticed Attorney-General Michael Atkinson being crushed by a giant Thwomp, his body regenerating soon after. Predators, bearing banners displaying a black symbol with the letters R18+, chased him as they hungered for his head as a trophy.

PS3 edition would be great, thanks.

I was told last night by my English Lit. major girlfriend that reading Dantes Inferno is beyond me and that I wont understand it… little does she know that like all good things I can learn it by playing the video game on my XBOX (hint hint)

1) Thou shalt not mash buttons until carpel tunnel ensues.

Because the only thing on this planet that should be mashed is potatoes, and possibly me on a Saturday night.

2) Coveting thy achievement points

Leave the whoring to the street walkers.

3) Thou shalt not lag switch

If you cannot win by skill, then perhaps you should be playing monopoly instead.

4) Thou shalt not release shonky code

Bugs shall be seen in nature and not in games.

5) Thou shall not cash grab

Sequels should be an expansion of gameplay, story lines and environment. Not a premeditated cash grab which is rushed out just in time for christmas… Im looking at YOU EPIC GAMES!!

6) Honor thy team mate

The reckless killing of team mates should be reserved for suicide bombers and Columbian football players, it has no place in online gaming.

7) Team stacking is the root of all evil

And the cause of all fights! Placing all of the best players on one team in a team based game (fifa for instance) is the cause of many fights, especially if its fifa for shots!

* Remember, drink responsibly *

- They are more like commandments than sins, but hey, I was never very good with religion.

I couldn’t write a list of sins that I hadn’t committed myself. XBox360 please.

1) List making
Characterised by: Generating generally inane numbered lists on any gaming topic.
Consequences: Sufferers have heightened sense of self-superiority coupled with decline in reasoning and linguistic capabilities. Complete loss of journalistic integrity in extreme cases.
Treatment: Reintroduce the paragraph and complete sentences into discussions/articles.

2) Brand Loyalty
Characterised by: Blind devotion to a particular gaming brand, company or PR rep.
Consequences: The words “Sony”, “Microsoft” or “Nintendo” elicit frothing at the mouth, eye and other uncontrollable skin spasmings. Sufferer loses ability to comprehend surroundings. Impaired cognition.
Treatment: Money. Isolation from other sufferers. Do not try reasoning with sufferers.

3) Gamer Terminology
Characterised by: Over-usage and dependence on gamer terminology including the words “noob”, “hardcore” and “casual.”
Consequences: Inability to communicate except with other sufferers. Alienation from wider community. Delusions about martyrdom. Extreme cases suffer complete xenophobia combined with an overbearing arrogance.
Treatment: Supervised rehabilitation amongst non-gamers. Introduction to “non-core” games.

4) Hoarding
Characterised by: Accumulation of games, gaming merchandise and/or in-game resources.
Consequences: The “collection” dominates sufferers’ lives. Lack of time and money for normal functions resulting in decreased sociability, grooming and motivation. May be successful as contraceptive.
Treatment: Massive curtailment of spending. Credit cards may need to be destroyed.

5) Piracy
Characterised by: Obtaining games without payment.
Consequences: Gradual loss of ability to appreciate games. Increased impatience and lack of tolerance with games. Sufferers may be inclined to shout “Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!”
Treatment: Ranting to journalists, governments and any that’ll listen (as employed by the music industry).

6) Nostalgia
Characterised by: Sermonising on the virtues of old games.
Consequences: Sufferers take on the characteristics of a bore. Blindness and inability to comprehend new ideas. Insecurities hidden behind outward superiority.
Treatment: Destruction of rose-tinted glasses.

7) Ranting
Characterised by: Relentless incoherent drivel on topic of choice/irritation.
Consequences: Impaired comprehension, cognition and communication. Inability to recognise valid arguments. Sufferers may develop feelings of persecution.
Treatment: No cure is yet known for a ranter. Most “treatments” are taken for encouragement.

1. Buying Bad Games – there are review to hepl you even people just dont buy bad games.
2. Spending $300 for a game – to much even if its a collectors edition the limit should be $180
3. buying games just for the online – games are just not for online there for gameplay and story and some online can be bad condemned 2 anyone ?
4. buying madden every year – its the same game every year you dont need the same game every year.
5. waiting for the R 18 rating – Australians need this now this will help every gamer out there.
6. November – the month with to many games games need to be spread out not just put in one month not everyone is rich.
7. wii – not many good games, they have there wii fits and that will do make better games wii.

Seven Deadly Sins of Gaming:

Pacman meeting his ghostly demise. (Gluttony)

Larry and his fastest-acting STD. (Lust)

Princess Peach decomposed in THAT castle. (Sloth)

Sonic the Hedgehog impaled in a pit of spikes. (Avarice)

Sarge at the center of 34 Red Barrels. (Wrath)

Foul-mouthed Guybrush Threepwood walking the plank. (Pride)

Donkey Kong choking to death by his own tie because he wanted “to be like everyone else”. (Envy)

PS3 or else you will die of dysentery.

1. Sonic The Hedgeghog (PS3/X360)
2. Haze (PS3)
3. Shaq Fu (SNES)
4. Superman (N64)
5. Atkinson
6. ET (Atari)
7. Leisure Suit Larry – Box Office Bust (PS3/X360)

Console: Xbox 360

A White Southern Pastor gives his congregation a sermon on seven videogame sins and sinners.

Mornin’ folks,

Hey!, old Man Snake is tryin’ to get down the aisle in his wheelchair, any of yall strappin young folk want to help him find his place? That’s a hero we got there.

Now, I look around the brightly coloured worlds we all livin’ here, and I see no end of folks who are fornicatin’, cheatin’ and lyin’ just to achieve their own ends. And I says to myself ‘You know Reverend Stootlemeyer, there are so many different ways a sinnin’, you must let your flock know, so they can be protected from all forms of evil.’ So I says to myself ‘Reverand Stootlemeyer, that’s a good idea, you gotta sit yourself down in your sermon writing chair and write yourself a sermon about that’. So I says to myself ‘Okay then, I will,’ And here it is yall.

The first sin out there is PRIDE.
Oh, I see a lot of create-a-characters out there in the audience today, their skin perfect, their behinds round and subble, every little part of them made just right for they’s discriminatin’ tastes…. But having your attributes perfectly tuned won’t let you escape from the fiery depths of what lies below. No, you can spend hours just admirin’ your pretty little self in the mirror, making sure you’re the perfect mix of renegade Jack Bauer hero while still stayin to your Asian heritage. But you think Satan cares what kind of skin tone you have? No, when he’s finished you’ll all be lookin’ the same. Deep fried and crispy! Yes folks, it’s true.

And then there is GLUTTONY. Oh and yall know the glutton is everywhere right?
I see the Glutton, that beady eyed young yellow circle. Oh, she puts her in a bow, tryin’ to attract the boys in the maze, but all the while she’s eatin’, eatin’, eatin’. Her greedy little lips all quiverin’ as greedily munches down white dot after white dot. No consideration for sharing, or giving to charity, even though she could have written it off on her later on in the year. She just eats them all, but little does the see the firey jaws of hell snapping right behind her! Before she knows it her gluttony has her trapped in the hands of some ghostly hooligans. They have her way with her, then send her on down to Satan.

There is LUST. Let me tell you a little something about lust.
I once knew a man, a plumber if this old memory I got serve’s me correctly, who had unmartital feelings for a lady. A Princess in fact. She was kidnapped by a big old brute, but instead of going to the police like any law abidin’ citizen of this great country, he decides to go about it himself, thinking maybe the princess will be so grateful that he’ll receive a little of that unwed passion for savin her.
Oh off he trots, lookin’ for the princess, but he can never find her. Always one castle away. But he goes on, slaughterin’ all the little turtles he see along the way, thinkin’ maybe he should save some of corpses to show her just how many turtle folk he done killed.
Well, needless to say, the authorites found out about that man’s vigilanteism and he was put on trial for genocide on an entire people. All for a quick peek up the skirt of a princess.

And he also appears in the sin I’ll be talking to yall about: ENVY.
See this, plumber had a brother. And they was in business. They did okay, enough to make a living and have a timeshare in a nice little holiday home down Florida way. But he was envious of his brother, and went so far as following him on his search for the princess, sabotagin’ him at every chance he got. Infact, I’ma tell yall a secret, round the time that plumber was arrested for genocide, people was sayin’ it was his brother that dobbed him in, because he was so jealous about not getting’ a chance with the princess. Now, there was nothin’ official mind you, so I don’t want yall tellin’ tales outta school, and getting this old Pastor slapped with a lawsuit.

Next kind church goin’ folk, there is GREED, one of the most horrible, horrible plagues to befall this here planet. It’s always about, just temptin’, temptin’, temptin’ regular folk into into misdeeds and trying to get more than they’re entitled to. Now, over there in that Liberty City place, full of soft on crime fairies and Democrats, folks over there is always tryin’ to grab a little bit of extra pie for they selves so they can hide it under it table and gobble it up later. Immigrants is comin’ over from other countries, dirty Europe type countries where they marry they mommas, and trying to take away the lives of normal hard livin’ Christian folk. All the gang leaders over there is either Russian or some such country, or in league with the homosexuals!

And then there was SLOTH.
See, once upon a time there was two soldiers named Salem and Rios. They served their country honourably, as all good Christian folks should, and then went to get themselves a little easy livin’ money for later on in they lives by becoming the old mercenary. Ohhhh, you wouldn’t believe the places they went and the infidels that they converted or sent to they’s maker. But there was a problem, see one of them boys wasn’t doing his fair share o’ shootin’. No sir, he was hanging back behind the action, sayin’ things ‘I’ll cover yall from behind so noone sneaks up.’ See, he was too lazy to pull his fair share of the work.
Pretty soon, it was feelin’ like this Army of Two was really just an Army of One. Which is really just a more fancy term for soldier. So let this be a warning to all yall momma’s out there today who is wantin’ they sons to go in the military: Be careful who they’s bandin’ about with!

And the last sin. The last sin my friends, is a little something called WRATH.
Now, wrath is just one of them fancy Liberty City blue state hippie dippie words for Revenge. Now let me tell you about a man that I once heard about through that there grapevine. See, there was this Custer, and he wanted revenge on the Native people of America. Nobody done knows what for, and he never said why, but we went across the land. Getting’ revenge and performin’ heinous acts on the native womenfolk. Walkin’ around everywhere with what gave him hangin’ about for all to see. Why, he was an evil, evil man, sowed with the seed of Wrath!

Now, all of these sins can be found in any number of videogame folks out there in word. So I ask all of yall in the audience to keep an eye out for them, and to stay away from those who perpetuate the evilness inside of them.

Go in peace now yall.

Pride: I will never run from a battle, unless the game requires it. No foe will ever see my mighty heroes turn their tails and flee.

Envy: I will never have those magical powers, or those mythical beasts, or those fantastic worlds, matter not how I desire them.

Wrath: The ungodly minigames or awkward controls will unleash untold fury from within.

Sloth: When games get too difficult, they shall be left in the drawer for months on end, until the motivation can be found to complete them.

Greed: I shall horde those potions and temporary powerups, always feeling that there is a more appropriate time to use them, and there never is.

Gluttony: Those Steam sales have earned them many a purchase, a large amount of which have not even been played.

Lust: Oh, Morrigan. The things I would do to you.

360 preferred.

Licenced Games:
The first of the Seven Deadly Sins of Gaming that so angers God is the sin of the Licenced Game. Should a developer commit the sin of crafting a barely-completed game that rides on the name of the film it is based upon, he will be cast down into the first circle of Hell to forever churn out games based upon the entire catalogue of Asylum films with development deadlines that grow ever shorter. And lo, for it is written: to sculpt a polygonal idol of Robert Downey Junior is sacrilege in the eyes of God.

Tacked-on Motion Controls:
The second of the Seven Deadly Sins of Gaming that so angers God is the sin of Tacked-on Motion Controls. Should a developer commit the sin of crafting a game in which the player is forced to flail with poor response when a button press should suffice, he shall be cast down into the second circle of Hell where he will be beset by swarms of wasps and forced to swat at them for all eternity. And lo, for it is written: to wave one’s arms from thine couch is a crude an vulgar gesture in the eyes of God.

Quicktime Events During Cutscenes:
The third of the Seven Deadly Sins of Gaming that so angers God is the sin of Quicktime Events During Cutscenes. Should a developer commit the sin of crafting a game in which the player is lulled by exposition and then struck down by a sudden flash of the square button, he shall be cast down into the third circle of Hell to have his nuggets presented to a slavering hound that will tear them from his crotch unless the correct button is pushed at the correct time. And lo, it is written: to be unable to take a dump during a cutscene is most unreasonable in the eyes of God.

EB Exclusivety:
The fourth of the Seven Deadly Sins of Gaming that so angers God is the sin of making a special edition exclusive to EB. Should a publisher sign a deal with the Devil of game retailers, thus forcing the player who desires that sweet, delicious steelbook case to pay the EB markup, he shall be cast down into the fourth circle of Hell to forever offer reasonable prices for trade-ins. And lo, for it is written: a five-dollar game-guarantee is a total gyp in the eyes of God.

The Use of ‘Z’:
The fifth of the Seven Deadly Sins of Gaming that so angers God is the sin of using ‘Z’ in the title of a game instead of ‘S’. Should a developer commit the sin of crafting a game with a title that uses the letter ‘Z’ to pluralise, he shall be cast down into the fifth circle of Hell to forever read dictionaries until his eyes bleed. And lo, for it is written: “Babyz” is a fucking stupid title in the eyes of God.

Edginess:
The sixth of the Seven Deadly Sins of Gaming that so angers God is the sin of adding Edginess to a game to make it seem more “mature”. Should a developer commit the sin of adding swearing, “brutal” finishing moves, or tits to a game with no rhyme or reason, he shall be cast down into the sixth circle of Hell to be eviscerated by a foul-mouthed generic tough guy, only to be healed immediately afterwards in an eternal cycle. And lo, for it is written: a Persian prince with black eyeshadow is an abomination in the eyes of God.

Shovelware Outselling Quality:
The seventh and most heinous of the Seven Deadly Sins of Gaming that so angers God is the sin of shovelware titles outselling quality software. Should a customer commit the sin of wandering aimlessly into a game store, shuffling and fumbling at the shelves, drooling and mumbling with complete and utter abject stupidity, and he chooses a copy of Carnival Games over ICO or Metroid Prime, he will be cast down into the blackest pit of Hell, the seventh circle, where he will be frozen in place by MY tears and have an endless supply of crappy party games shovelled into his anus for all eternity. And lo, for it is written: if you were one of the people who contributed to Carnival Games outselling Metroid Prime 3, you are a worthless sack of crap in the eyes of God and I hope he beats you up.

PS3 version.

The Divine Gamer
Inferno – Canto I

‘Midway upon the journey of our life
I found myself within a forest full of campers,
for i find myself on the verge of rage quitting.’

My story began looking for the power cable to my PS3 within the 7 circles of gaming hell(being grounded).

First Circle (Hacking)
These people are condemned to play games blind and without any cross-hairs or sights. For these people lust the skills of hard working people and cheat there way to the top by aim-botting, map hacking or game boosting. They lend nothing to the game other killing peoples hopes and fun times.

Second Circle (Microphone spamming)
Condemned to always be alone in a lobby and not be able to use teamspeak. These people are the scurge of the lobby room, using sound boards, singing songs and changing the tone of their voice. (We can still tell you are a lonely 10 year old.) These people arn’t just annoying they’re just plain stupid, unless its constructive criticism or some strategy, we don’t wanna hear ur high pitched b!tching.

Third Circle (Camping)
Forced to spend the rest of time in their ghillie suits camped in a forest where no-one walks, they live unsatisfied of a free kill. These people don’t have skills they sit in a dark corner of a map holding the crouch or prone button waiting for an opportunistic kill. There is no fun in this, learn to play the game people. Theres nothing worst than having a 10 kill streak before an ac130 and having a noob with a machine gun shoot you from a dark bush.

Fourth Circle (Raging)
These people are fated to be spawn camped and not be able to leave the game. Patrons of rpg raging will live in eternal rage with their avatars looted every time they die. 4 words, 9 letters, 4 syllables, say it and you’re free. It is a game. What’s the point of getting angry and letting everyone know about it by rage quitting or spamming, losing could be a learning experience. It’s even worse when you are the host and leaving wrecks the game for everyone else.

Fifth Circle (‘I in team’-ing)
These people are doomed to be eternally stuck in only 10vs1 games. What is the point of having an awesome kill to death ratio when your team has lost an objective based game, you go only for kills and ‘oh whats that? Your base was captured…really’. This does not only count for fps game this also applies to rpg players who only go for gold and ignore what the party is doing. Its more fun and productive to have a strategy and play as a team, it also helps you to win.

Sixth Circle (Neglect)
These people are condemned to always making half-finished products and getting bad press. Bit off topic from the gamer but more focused on the game developers, what is the point of making a broken game? I for one would rather wait half a year extra to play a good game then have it released early and not play how it was intended. What is even worse is when developers do not correct their wrongs by spend time to correctly patch and fix their wrong doings. I really cuts deep at people who pay and support the industry.

Seventh Circle (Team Killing)
This is the home of betrayers, people who have back stabbed or deceived other people. They are eternally convicted to be frozen in a pool Satan’s tears with a knife always in their back. What is the point? Do you get a thrill out of it? Is it funny? Don’t know about you but it doesn’t feel funny when a team mate shoves a whole clip into your back for kicks.

In the center of hell in his pool of tears is a 3 headed Satan, half frozen in the tears that he himself has frozen due to his wings causing a bone chilling gust when he tries to escape. On his right head is Leroy Jenkins(no explanation here) on the other is Frank Gibeau(President of EA games).

I find my power cable and go back to playing Modern Warfare 2(if you haven’t guessed already).

PS3

i will tell u my husband’s 7 deadly sins of gaming coz i’m sick of him whining about wanting to buy another damn game everytime he finishes one and lingers out the front of game stores hoping for me to say ‘oh go on.. it’s on sale’… i dont understand and will never understand this fascination and obsession of video games but here is my effort to show a little bit of support. here are the 7 deadly sins of gaming and the reason i think my dedicated ‘neo’ (as he nicknames himself) deserves to win this game-
1. he has a N64, ps2, ps3, xbox and wii and STILL plays old fashioned pc games that he has to actually hack into and change so that they work on our new laptop
2.he asked my midwife if he could bring his play station into the birthing unit
3. i wont let him get a portable gaming unit so he plays games on his mobile phone when we are out (yes that includes “romantic” dates)
4. he’d rather finish a game and pretend that he is watching our 1st born roll over for the 1st time
5. he borrows a whole heap of games from friends and returns them one by one as they ask for them back in the hope that they forget about them..
6. he stays up until 3 in the morning playing games rather than coming to bed and when i wake in the morning the lounge looks like 20 gamers have taken over my living area
7. the most romantic, loving, special and memorable thing i could ever do for him would be to get him a new game

there you have it…