In Real Life

Activision Claims World Record In Double Down Speed-Eating

Two Activision game testers staged a speed-eating competition of the KFC culinary profanity known as the Double Down, with the winner polishing it off in 57.97 seconds. Video inside, plus my review of the “sandwich.”

Kotaku received this exclusive video on Friday. This result has not been verified by Twin Galaxies. I corresponded with the videographer and another Activision employee who both confirmed the contestants – Albert and Noah – are QA testers for the company, and did their scarfin’ in an Activision break room. You can see the vending machines with the Activision logo on them in the background:

A quick search reveals no official record for fastest time consuming a Double Down, so, unless some other sucka wants to step up and take the title, it looks like Albert – the guy on the left in the Dodgers hat that looks like a Mets hat – is your world speed-eating Double Down champion, at 57.97. Suck on that, Kobayashi.

Albert puts on a finishing kick that makes Secretariat look like a Vespa. At 45 seconds I’m thinking this video is going to end with no winner, and then he just inhales. Look at that last bite – taken with a mouth full, too.

I tried one of these suckers today – hey, I needed the excuse. And while I enthusiastically polished it off, there’s no way I could put a Double Down away inside of five minutes. And with that, here is my review.

Loved

Nothing: OK, everything.

Hated

Size Matters: I was astonished to see the Double Down was only 540 calories. That’s achieved by a) the lack of any carbohydrates and b) making it, in reality, smaller than it appears in the marketing. I was expecting something the size of two chicken breasts bursting with bacon and cheese. The chicken patties were alright, but the interior was completely overwhelmed.

Where the fuck is the bacon?:There’s so much salt in this – the chicken breading, the “Colonel’s sauce,” (which is made with chicken fat. Hell yeah!) – that the taste of the bacon is completely overwhelmed. Not only that, the physical presence of the bacon is overwhelmed by the patties and the cheese slice. Its existence in this meal is unconfirmed to me.

The Double Down is uniformly blasted as “food porn” by all of responsible society while being largely hailed by single dudes for its don’t-give-a-shit overdelivery of fried salt. So consuming a Double Down is more meaningful as a figurative middle finger to well adjusted people who always make good choices. As a meal, well, as my friend Daymon says of bad fast food: “It’ll make a turd.” So long as it is solid, that’s really all I expect from the experience.

The Double Down was developed by Kentucky Fried Chicken, a subsidiary of YUM! Brands, and is prepared by high school kids who aren’t buying your bullshit excuse that you’re doing this on a dare. Retails for $US6.99 USD with a side and medium drink. A version also is available for the grilled chicken platform. A sandwich was sold to me by KFC for unknown purposes, possibly to cause my death. Eaten to completion; excretion pending.

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