I have an iPhone. Angus Kidman from our sister site is an Android guy. We are constantly bickering over the relative merits of either platform. But when he hit me with this factoid – there is actually a Wank-O-Meter on the Android store. It is an app you can purchase and ‘play with’. Technically this is not game news, although I guess you could make a game of it, but I thought this was worthy of your attention.
Like Angus, there’s no way you’ll get me to admit that I’ve tested the Wank-O-Meter, but according to its developer, FiveAgainstTheBaldGuy, the idea came from a burning desire to record statistics regarding self abuse.
“For far too many years, masturbation has crossed an age of darkness,” claims the blurb. “No metrics, no references, no performance analysis.
“Wank-o-meter pursues a dream: reapping all the wankers from around the world and helping each of them achieve the perfect wank, the optimal wank.”
This is not an April Fools joke. This is real, and it’s one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen.
Android Wank-O-Meter Is Probably Worse Than You Think [Gizmodo]
Gino Rodrigo
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 10:03 AMA friend of mine downloaded this last night (I have an iPhone and he’s the only one in our group with an Android handset) and ‘tested’ it. Apparently it’s a keeper.
♣TadMod♣
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 10:06 AMI’m sorry, but that’s just disgusting…
I can’t find any redeeming humour in this at all…
I suppose it may appeal to the kind of people who buy the “fart soundboard” apps… :\
Braaains
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 10:53 AMGeez… somebody’s a bit cranky.
You know what you need? You need to find some way to unwind… relax… release a bit of that tension that is so obviously pent up inside you.
If only there was some activity that would help you do that…
Chuloopa
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 11:25 AMA bit of Solitaire?
Hyuk yuk yuk
Khuntza
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 7:32 PMWho would have thought that all it would take is one post about a wank app to weed out the Australian Christian Lobby’s Kotaku mole..
Michael Winters
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 10:11 AMAll well and good but I’m not sure if it could keep up with me.
Chuloopa
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 10:22 AMI’ve tried one of these before, but it just said “one at a time please”… then my phone melted… and exploded… whilst banging seven gram rocks…
Sam Timmins
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 11:14 AM“Max Force: 3.35G – A merging of Thor and John Rambo!” LOL!
Alex Rogan
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 11:28 AMThis app has celebrity backing – Nathan Fillion.
AmbroseIV
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 1:52 PMAt first I objected to the idea, but now I don’t know what to think… :|
Braaains
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 11:44 AMWhat this thing needs is competitive multiplayer. But maybe not co-op…
The Insufferable Señor Steengo
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 11:46 AMApparently Shane Warne managed a high wank rating by opening mouth instead of unzipping his pants.
Stevorooni
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 12:22 PMYou could probably do the same thing with a 3DS to earn those coins…
aliasalpha
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 12:47 PMWow, never thought I’d regret picking winphone7 over droid…
wreckedandjealous
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 4:52 PManyone care to try to beat my highscore? ;P
Anthony Marr
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 5:00 PMIs there a leaderboard?
Braaains
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 5:32 PMI downloaded it – yes, there IS actually a global leaderboard.
No achievements, though.
Khuntza
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 7:25 PMTraining mode, uh? I’ve been training for a long time now.. what are the other wank modes?
And what are the other ambiances? They would be a good opportunity for a challenge mode.. ‘Parent banging on the bathroom door’ ambiance for example..
As soon as the Xperia Play releases and I ditch this shitty iPhone, I’m in..
Matthew
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 9:23 PMlol read the reviews on the link
“1/5 stars Easily the worst,pointless, most pathetic app I have ever seen or ever likely to …”
by Richard– March 20, 2011
Easily the worst,pointless, most pathetic app I have ever seen or ever likely to see. AWFUL WASTE OF TIME.”
He tried….he failed