We are proud — proud, I say! — to exclusively present the safe-for-work trailer for Exquisite Films’ upcoming Tomb Raider XXX, a porn parody of the Tomb Raider franchise.
Behold, the cheesy rock music! Be dazzled by the wonder of porn-starlet Chanel Preston as she dons Lara Croft’s signature dual-pistols and adventure gear and climbs over rocks (near a highway?) en route to adventure, treasure, and a few good men! Feast your eyes upon the incredible special effects, the action set-pieces, and the intense gunplay!
And let me tell you: If you think that trailer is awesome/goofy, wait until you get a load of the script.
See, the folks at Exquisite Films were kind enough to send us a full copy of the screenplay along with the trailer. I’ve read plenty of screenplays in my day, but never a screenplay for a porno, so naturally I had to ask myself — what will an adult-film screenplay look like? Is there even such a thing? Do they just kind of scrawl the lines out on post-its and improvise the story before hopping onto the bed to get down to business?
Well, of course they don’t. Particularly not when the film is being made by people who put a surprising amount of work into their parodies, as evidenced by the production values in the trailer for, say, Iron Man XXX.
As it turns out, Tomb Raider XXX does indeed have a full script. It was written by Jordan Septo, and it is pretty darn funny. Take this early scene, between Preston’s Lara and Lee Stone’s Larson:
LARA
It seems like you could have told me that over the phone.
LARSON
Yes. But I wanted to bring you this.
(He hands the Lara the bag and she opens it to find a great deal of money)
LARA
That’s a great deal of money for a job I haven’t even agreed to take yet.
LARSON
I am hoping that this is just the beginning of long and mutually beneficial relationship.
LARA
Well then. I guess this just might work out.
LARSON
Well let’s shake on it.
LARA
I don’t know if it’s the air or possibly jet lag, but I was hoping for more than a handshake.
(The two celebrate their new relationship)
Oh, they celebrate their new relationship, do they? Soon afterward, the evil, scheming Jacqueline and her henchman Pierre are planning Lara’s demise.
PIERRE
I’m glad I’m on your good side.
JACQUELINE
And if you do as you are told you will stay there.
PIERRE
I think I can manage that. And please call me Pierre.
JACQELINE
Well Pierre, lets test your loyalty… And your stamina.
PIERRE
As you wish Jacqueline.
(Jacqueline test-drives Pierre)
Yeah, baby! This is already way better than the plot to Tomb Raider: Underworld. What was that game even about? Was there any hot steamy action going on at all? No, I don’t think there was.
The rest of the script is equally fun, particularly in how each scene navigates its way into a one-sentence shorthand for “And now, an extended scene of hardcore sex.”
Those include:
(Amanda embraces the henchmen. And while she is distracting them she tosses the keys to the cell to Lara. Lara exits grabbing her headset from the floor)
and
(Mia hands Lara her headset and the three embrace)
and
(Lara shows her appreciation to her saviors)
And of course,
(Jacqueline puts the Scion back together and morphs into a winged creature)
(Lara attacks Jacqueline eventually defeating and killing her)
Kinky! Actually, wait a second. Those last two might have been descriptions of actual action sequences.
The whole thing is very goofy in that vaguely self-aware, sordid way that only porn can be. Aah, Exquisite Films. You’ve done Captain America, you’ve done Iron Man, and now you’ve finally done Tomb Raider. Can Uncharted be far behind?
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