In Real Life

GI Joe And Cobra Hired Just About Anyone In The 80s

Meet Darklon, one of Destro’s Iron Grenadiers. He lives in a cast-iron castle in the Alps, where he dispatches his powerful mercenary army via a crack squad of telephone solicitors. That’s right, he’s Cobra’s chief telemarketer.

Darklon’s bio is just one of the 20 hilariously horrible GI Joe and Cobra file cards featured in Patrick Cooper’s “20 Most Ridiculous G.I. Joe File Cards” article over at Topless Robot, proving once again that lurking inside every 30-something adult is a very stupid child.

Just look at the bios for members of Cobra’s deadly terrorist army. We’ve got the telemarketer, of course. One of them was arrested for “felony spitting”. One calculates wind resistance by watching the steam rise off of meatloaf. One was recruited at, and this is a direct quote, “an all-night doughnuts and grape soda shoppe”. Trust me, no such shoppe exists in the States. Otherwise I would be there right now.

Cobra’s dubious recruitment policies can at least be attributed to evil. GI Joe is a government organisation. One would think such an organisation would have vigorous guidelines in place in order to make sure only the most highly-qualified individuals are given access to the nation’s most top secret technology and intel.

Fort Wayne’s Hog Master done good by himself, didn’t he? And just look at those officer’s notes. He can down a plate of greasy eggs and hot wieners in even the roughest of seas. I’m not making a Navy joke here, look at the damn card. It’s right there.

When I was a young teen these file cards all made sense. They were cool, even. I distinctly remember thinking that Barbecue’s ability to wrap his lips completely around the bottom of a quart Coke bottle was pretty amazing. Now I’m right there with Patrick Cooper:” Is this more disturbing if Barbecue wanted this skill to be mentioned in his military dossier, or if Joe command thought it was important enough to note?”

I don’t know, man. Not sure I know anything anymore.

Hit up the link for all 20 of Cooper’s hilarious commentaries on the horrible recruiting decisions G.I. Joe and Cobra made in the 80s.

The 20 Most Ridiculous G.I. Joe File Cards [Topless Robot]