Yesterday, Square Enix confirmed that it will re-release Final Fantasy VII on PC at some point in the near future. What’s most interesting about this re-release is that it adds new features to the seminal role-playing game, like achievements. But Square hasn’t shared any details on exactly what these achievements will comprise. So I’m offering a few suggestions. Free of charge. You’re welcome, Square Enix.
Here are 10 achievements I think Final Fantasy VII should have.
Why Would You Even Bother? She’s Gonna Die In Like An Hour Anyway
Get Aeris’s ultimate Limit Break.
Animal Cruelty
Attack and capture harmless chocobos in the wild. Imprison them in a cramped stable. Force them to breed with one another. Throw out the ones that don’t turn black or gold. Use them to make yourself more powerful. Whip them into shape on the race track.
Stop Trying To Break Our Game
Equip one character with the following materia: Mime, MP Absorb-Master Summon, Final Attack-Phoenix, MP Turbo-Knights of the Round, Slash All, Mega All, HP Plus. Equip your other two characters with Mime. Enter combat. Press the A button once.
Nostalgia Overload
Realise that Final Fantasy VII isn’t as good as it was when you were 12. Deny this to the grave.
Get A Lifestream
Level all of your characters to 99. Master all Materia. Kill Emerald and Ruby Weapons. Brag about these accomplishments to all of your friends. Lose all of your friends.
Physics? What Are Physics?
Use Tifa in combat.
Hey Foo
Go on a date to watch fireworks with Barret. Have a lovely time. Give him your number. Wait a day. Wonder why he hasn’t called yet. Wait another day. Stare at his Facebook. Hit refresh. Wait a third day. Cry. Eat Haagen-Daaz. De-friend him on Facebook.
You’re A Douche
Re-name Aeris to Aerith.
You Got Got
Spend over 50 hours travelling the world of Final Fantasy VII in search for the fifth Huge Materia which you can then use to unlock a secret colour of chocobo that will allow you to travel into Sephiroth’s cocoon and find a key that opens the door to Sector 3 in Midgar, where you can revive Aeris for real guys seriously you read it on an AOL message board!
Square Enix
Convince a shopkeeper to pay you five times for the same item.
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