In Real Life

Fake Gamer Of The Week: My Supah Glahsses Make Me Supah Fantastich At Video Games, Ya

Ya, hello little boys and girls. How aah you today. Are you good? I am good. Are you?

Ich heisse Hans, and I am very, very good-looking and also a male model and also very good at PC gaming, ya! You puny little dogs don’t even rate for me, I am so good at killing you in the Counter Strike and the Team Fortress 2 that I do it with one hand, ya.

How am I so really really ridiculously good at the video games, you may ask? I’m so good because of my magic super gaming glasses. Just look at them! Look at how fantastich they are! Behold how good they make me at gaming! Behold how good-looking they make me!

Oh ho, this little man thinks he is going to challenge me. He does not know who he is up against! I am Hans Müller, the unstoppable master of the first-person shooter! This pathetic little pathetic boy does not know who he is dealing with!

Oh! What is this! What has happened! I am… dead? This is… what is this feeling? Where am I, in spectator mode? What is happening to me?

I have never seen this spectators mode before, because my video game glasses make me so amazingly good at video games that I have never died. But it is truly wunderbar, I am learning so much about my opponents tactics, and I have a moment to enjoy my delicious sandvich while I watch.

You know, I am having the crisis now. This is truly unfair, I am about to destroy these little boys and girls with my new powerful knowledge. How could I have not known of this thing, of the spectator mode! This is an amazing weapon in my already riesig arsenal.

Okay, it is time for me to play again. Let the killing and crushing of my enemies continue.

Fake Gamer of the Week is Kotaku’s weekly tribute to the strange and wonderful stock photo models of the world. Male, female, young, old; the beautiful, the ugly, the strange, and the disconcerting. We’ve got ‘em all, with a new entry every Monday. Past Fake Gamers can be found at the Fake Gamer of the Week archive.
(Photos by Yeko Photo Studio| Shutterstock)