5 Games I Really Suck At For Some Reason

When I was 10 years old I had a rule: only do stuff you're good at. If there's a chance you're going to suck at something: avoid. Avoid at all costs. Looking cool at all possible times is the main priority. Make everything look effortless. Even if you have to spend hundreds of man hours perfecting a skill, pretending you just tried that thing for the first time is an absolute must.

Protect that ego. Protect it at all times.

Naturally this rule extended to video games. If I sucked at a video game, I stopped playing it. That was it. No compromise. No leeway. Ever.

As an adult I loosened up. A bit. If a game was fun? Sure, I'd play it, even if I sucked beyond all recognition. But everyone has their limits. Everyone. These are the five games I'm completely terrible at no matter how hard I try.

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare

The reason: Halo fanboy issues

The explanation: When you spend so much time playing one first person shooter, it's almost inevitable: you play every other shooter in the precise same way as you play your favourite. I see it on Halo all the time. The COD player sneaks up behind you with some sort of assault rifle and always seems surprised when you turn around, outstrafe them then outshoot them with a Battle Rifle.

This is me playing every Call of Duty every time ever...

— Tum tee tum, I can just run out into the open, I'll just outshoot people. SHIT I'M DEAD.

— Not to worry, I'll just cover my angles this time, check before I run out. OH MY GOD WHY AM I DEAD IN A SINGLE SPLIT SECOND?

— Oh, okay someone shot me from behind. I'll just camp here. WHY AM I DEAD AGAIN?

— I see, I should change my weapon to the one that guy is using. OH GOD WHY DID I DIE AGAIN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS STUPID GAME.

Rage quit.

Ziggurat

The reason: Stupidity The Explanation: Ziggurat is one of my favourite iOS games, but still I truly suck at it. Unlike the rest of the games on the list I have no real definitive excuse to use. I've put the time in, I have a good understanding of the game rules and how they intertwine — but still I am mediocre.

Ziggurat does have an aspect of twitch shooting to it, but mainly success comes from making the right decision, from good timing. Which leads me to one single conclusion: I am too dumb to be good at Ziggurat. Or too impatient. Probably I'm too dumb. Ziggurat requires that you juggle multiple different design concepts in your brain constantly and consistently. It requires that you make quick, snap decisions based on these rules. I don't got the brain power for dat.

Counter Strike: Source

The Reason: Left-Handedness The Explanation: This is how bad I am at Counter Strike: Source — my mother in-law is better than me. Not just a little bit better. Way better. My mother in-law is a woman in her 50s that began playing video games roughly three or four years ago. She completely destroys me. Always.

But the reason for my ineptitude is genetics: as a lefty I'm always found it difficult to play first person shooters on PC, particularly when some sort of motor dexterity is involved. Here's the situation: as a left handed person, I've always used my left hand for the mouse to the point where it's nigh on impossible to switch.

This would be fine, I should be able to just switch the mouse across, make a few button changes and bob's your Uncle. But a decade of playing FPS with twin stick shooters has hardwired the idea of 'right hand= aim, left hand= movement' into my inflexible brain. It's extremely, extremely difficult for me to unlearn this.

This doesn't mean I can't play first person shooters on the PC — I can, just horribly. And when it comes to playing some sort of multiplayer, I always hover towards the bottom of the leaderboard.

Urgh.

Dance Central

The Reason: Narcissism/delusions of grandeur

The Explanation: As anyone who has ever bore witness to me 'breaking it down' at a wedding, I was born to dance. I have never lost a dance off and my 'robot' is the stuff of legend.

Why then, do I suck so hard at Dance Central?

I choose to believe it's because the game is just not designed for naturally gifted dancers like myself; free spirits who want to break free of traditional idea about dance. I'm a slave to the boogie, but I'm not a slave to rigid dance steps that have to be performed precisely. I'm an artist. I make shit up as I go and it's goddamned genius. Why can't you see this Dance Central? Aren't you powered by Kinect? Don't you have a camera that monitors my every move? You should be giving me extra points from breaking free from your rigid boogie prison, not punishing me.

Jesus, get with the program.

Sonic Blast Man

The Reason: Bro, I'm awesome

The Explanation: I'm going to talk about Sonic Blast Man here, but really we could be discussing any arcade game where you punch something in front of a group of other boys and girls in an attempt to show how big, strong and macho you are.

You all know the kind of game I'm talking about: the punching game! You punch a thing and it tells you how strong your punch is.

I'm here to tell you that these games are all broken. All of them. Obviously broken. If they worked I'd get a perfect score every time bro.

Bro, I totally did Thai Boxing bro. I've got a mean straight left bro. So mean. I don't throw haymakers, my shit is too tight for that bro. If you can't respect my power and technique Mr Blastman, then I seriously don't know what to say! I ain't gonna throw no stupid overhand right just so I can get a higher score. I've got self respect. Some fool could take me out if I don't keep my hands up. That shit is just fundamentals bro.


Comments

    I was absolutely horrible at CoD: MW2 and WaW in MP.

    I don't know if it got easier, or whatever but in BO, and MW3 I was pretty good at them. So I am not sure what changed but it made it more enjoyable.

      Hmmm I'm the same, terrible at MW2, pretty darn decent at Black Ops. maybe it was the switch from 360 to PS3 that did it for me though.

      If MW2 and [email protected] was hard for you then CoD,CoD2, CoD3 and CoD4 MP would be torturous since everytime they release a new CoD game it gets easier and noob friendly. FYI I'm not saying your a noob just CoD makes everyone feel they're awesome.

      When I play a MP game that's to easy or I'm good at it I play something else for example I don't play CoD anymore because I hate winning too easy with no effort so that's why I play BF3 because it provides challenge I seek. I play games for the challenge not to have fun.

      If MW2 and [email protected] was hard for you then CoD,CoD2, CoD3 and CoD4 MP would be torturous since everytime they release a new CoD game it gets easier and noob friendly. FYI I'm not saying your a noob just newer CoD games makes it easier.

      When I play a MP game that's to easy or I'm good at it I play something else for example I don't play CoD anymore because I hate winning too easy with no effort so that's why I play BF3 because it provides challenge I seek. I play games for the challenge not to have fun.

        TBH I think it was their intention to make newer COD games where everybody feels good. I mean a lot of people would like to simply just come home from work and play a pickup and go game and well, have fun.

          I just starting to get decent at Black Ops II (to the point of actually getting score streaks and stuff)

          Horrible at Street Fighter
          Horrible at Just Cause 2 (I can't do anything remotely interesting in that game without attracting hundreds of military desperate to fill me with holes!)
          Not very good at Kinectimals!

          Lol fun such a activity u humans do most of your time.

      each cod gets easier, although i wouldn't call any of them difficult, I've stop playing because anyone can be good, it's not a challenge at all e.g. care packages are a couple of kills and they can get you a swarm or something similar. Activision is just telling the developers to make it easier and easier so that people feel like they are good and keep buying they game. They make the top prestige a couple days work, so people can get there quickly and feel as if they're are incredible. I've played well over 100 days of cod and unless you're playing in a full party with a challenging opposition it isn't that fun. I feel as if they almost need to make two different games, a casual one and another game like cod4 where it wasn't impossible to get into (but challenging) and if you wanted to be rewarded you had to be good.

    Don't be so hard on yourself at being bad at CoD Mark. Kozicki is just as bad ;)

    I am horrible at CoD games.

    Why? Because I grew up playing Counter Strike and used to maps with funnel points. I can snipe a double headshot with two guys jumping opposite ways in CS, but in CoD it's useless if I never ever know where to look.

    Last edited 18/03/13 2:13 pm

    I got pretty good at Dance Central, but I played it a lot. Like, until I knew the moves without looking at the screen. To the point that my wife and I replicated the steps to Poker Face when the jukebox played it at her aunt's wedding.

    However, that same dedication didn't make me any better at Ziggurat. I think I broke 100 once. Whenever I see someone post that they got 700 on Twitter I just want to reply SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU.

    As for Call of Duty... my entry into COD multiplayer was MW2 , and I was ok at it. I didn't get into Black Ops, mainly because I didn't like the campaign very much so I wound up returning the game (I was also broke that week) so I never got a chance to really get into it. By the time MW3 game out I was just bored. They hadn't kept the few things I did like about Black Ops and I couldn't be bothered buying the map packs, so I quickly got left behind.
    I haven't even tried Black Ops II.

    Last edited 18/03/13 2:15 pm

    I would list 5 games that I'm terrible at, but there's a Trjn wins at everything tag and I wouldn't want to make a liar out of you.

    How can you be bad at Call of Duty? That's like being bad at walking.

      No matter how easy something is, there's always going to be someone who's better at it.

      There are simply people out there who are better walkers.

        Pff. Noob walker. Maybe you should go back to crawling.

    But a decade of playing FPS with twin stick shooters
    Well now, there's your problem

    You forgot Trials Evolution

    trolololol

    I'm not sure if I can make fun of that anymore since you're ahead in the DLC but I'm ahead in the main game :P

      I HAVE NO IDEA WHY - THE SCORING IS ALL SCREWED!

    Being left-handed has nothing to do with the CS-example. The real issue is that you have developed a habit/preference (your choice of gaming interface and your choice of setup for it) to the point where you are totally inflexible to learn to access it another way. I am left-handed, too and have never had any hesitation to use a mouse with my right hand, same as opening a bottle etc. I have never had an issue with a traditional PC interface for shooters and am happy to acknowledge, its indeed close to the perfect way to play a shooter (as long as we do it sitting in front of a screen) and vastly preferable over using a controller, and I spent some time playing both ways.

    Also this: "But a decade of playing FPS with twin stick shooters has hardwired the idea of ‘right hand= aim, left hand= movement’ into my inflexible brain."
    Well, based simply on what you write there you shouldnt have any issues then, since you could just start using the mouse with your right hand, just like most people (including a fair number of lefties) do.

    On the upside though, based on your COD-experience you probably would do well at Q3Arena. Bit of a shame there is no modern equivalent these days (or is there?).

    Starcraft
    ive just never been interested enough to put the time into learning it. plus it doesnt help that my friends had years of practice before i ever played against them.
    that said id kick their arses in advance wars (a real strategy game)

      yeah SC for sure, played my 5 "placement" rounds when SC2 first come out beaten every single game within 60 seconds no joke, litterally didnt last more than 60sec, first round i was destroyed in 35 seconds, i was like "wtf just happened?".
      good thing i didnt pay for that game.

      And any Dota/LoL style game, i cant stand the whole "click in circles for 30 minutes, then 1 shot the player who is weakest" thing.

        It's literally impossible to lose a game of SC2 that quickly without forfeiting. Even if you got worker rushed, it would take longer than that.

          i didnt forfeit i was actually destroyed, no idea how but there was enemy dudes destroying my primary building within 15-20 seconds, but after it occuring more than once i never went back to the game.

            The only way that they can attack you that early in the game is to worker rush. Literally just sending their initial six workers to attack you straight away. It's not a very common strategy (I've encountered it exactly once) and can be defended simply by attack moving your own workers towards theirs. You'll have more workers than them because in the time it took them to come to you, you'll have mined enough to build one or two more workers.

            I can honestly say that you're unlikely to see that sort of thing these days and it really is the easiest thing in the world to defend against as long as you know how to defend against it.

              Gotta admit it was my first EVER game of Starcraft, so very likely i didnt defend or even try too, i was probably still reading menu's for what building's did what.

                If you're keen to try again, try playing through the campaign or vs AI on very easy or easy. You should be able to pick up the basics pretty quickly, just remember to constantly build workers, avoid getting supply blocked as best as possible and spend your money. There are plenty of resources out there with information on what to do: Team Liquid, Day9.tv and Apollo's tutorials are all useful.

                  Cheers for the tips, this whole expansion craziness has me a little more interested, but in all honesty id have to find my CD's, re-install, reset my Blizzard account and token so i'd probably can that idea :P

                  Maybe one day when im in a gaming drought, i'll pick it up, or if someone starts playing it at a LAN

    Nobody is awful at CoD games, CoD games are just awful themselves and poorly designed, in fact, playing CoD probably makes you worse at shooters.

    LOL - those arcade punching game

    I used to work at an amusement centre that had Captain Zodiac and Sonic Blastman. The types of customers this game would bring in were clearly in the "not desirable" mould... however i always found it odd to see these massive meat heads come in and think they could punch the living daylights out of the machine, only too see some scrawny 15 year old school kid get a better score because he actually knew how to play the game...

    I'm terribad at RTSes. Brain synapses are just not geared towards controlling hundreds of minions. Guess I need to put my plan of world domination in the back burner :(

    I am terrible at every multiplayer FPS. I'm just not quick enough to not die constantly, and I'm too used to playing against an AI to remember that real people generally don't rush blindly through doorways right into your grenade. (Left 4 Dead, however...that's easy enough, although I suck at most of the Infected bar Spitter and Tank. It's been a while since I've played though - seems like the multiplayer has well and truly died.)

    I'm terrible at turn-based strategy too because I get impatient. WHY CAN'T I MOVE AGAIN. WHAT'S THIS MOVES LIMIT. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, MONOPOLY. GO AWAY. LET ME MOVE MY GUYS AROUND JEEZ. I just get too frustrated to continue.
    (I'm not wonderful at Blizzard RTS games - if I hear the words 'we need more pylons' I think I'm going to throw my keyboard - but sit me in front of Age of Empires and I can hold my own reasonably.)

    And don't talk to me about Spyro 2. Don't. I never did get 100% of the orbs and I don't know how anyone ever did. Voodoo chants, probably.

    I'm pretty alright at most games. Played comp FPS/RTS and did pretty well in everything except SC2. I really suck at SC2.

    Aside from Age of Empires against the com I just plain suck at rts, my mates just dominate me.
    Though In fighting games and most fps I can kick their arse to hell and back.

    And about cod thing Im good at all of em up to WAW, still have a hell of a time playing mw1, I don't know what they did but the new ones just feel different.

    I am better at Battlefield 3 then I am at Black Ops II but I am getting better at Black Ops II. One thing I miss and it is silly I guess but in Black Ops II you can't vault over things line in Battlefield 3, it is a slower process to get over a hurdle.

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