What Is This, A Press Release Or Bad Fanfiction?

Gigabyte has unveiled a new gaming PC at this year’s CES. The Aorus X7. It’s an impressive machine, but we’re not here for the specs. We’re actually here for the laptop’s accompanying press release. Which is wonderful.

I’m not sure whether the stuff you’re about to see is the result of a language barrier (Gigabyte is a Taiwanese company) or a deep love of Stargate, but whichever it is, it’s the best press release you’re going to see from a PC company for a while.

Our first stop is the Aorus line’s “About” page.

Inherited the legacy of an old breed of board games, we set on the journey.

Led and driven by the gaming nature in our blood, we made our way here.

As told by our great ancestors, victory, for generations, falls to those who are watched over by Horus.

The bravery and wisdom inherited by pharaohs for generations now revives with AORUS.

In faith, we make our way forward.

With passion, we refine our expertise.

Forget about the frustrations, but not your unfulfilled potentials.

The desire to outdo and push ourselves to the limit.

Victory is never the only goal.

Dedication distinguishes us.

Perseverance describes us.

Fight.

Conquer.

Challenge your embedded weakness.

Embark on a self-journey unfolded in the front.

Explore with AORUS.

Only through trials and tribulations will true gamer spirits be recognised.

Winning is an attitude, not an outcome.

Let there be games.

Join us on our journey.

OK, so yeah, we’re probably looking at a language issue here. But while that may explain the odd grammatical hiccup, it still doesn’t explain the general tone and approach. Which, like an epic prog rock journey, continues all the way through.

Here are some highlights from the main specs page. I feel bad pointing out the ones that are primarily a language thing, but the real-word-wrong-context ones are just the best:

Now step on the unknown gaming graphics away from your desktop.

The flowing sculpted lines scents the quality matte black with understated luxury without losing its original aggression.

The compelling trill will definitely put you to the edge of your seat.

Be assured. LockWin Key insures your victory. Serious gaming deserves full concentration.

The glass touchpad with fingerprint-proof coating denotes the commander’s clear vision through chaos and turmoil. The metallic silver eagle badge and 3 moulded ridges symbolizing fierce yet rapid attack from high above.

When you’re done being amused, though, take a look at the specs. You’ll change gears to either “intrigued” or “excited”.

CPU: 4th Generation Intel® Core™ i7-4700HQ

Processor: (2.4GHz-3.4GHz)

Display: 17.3″ Full HD 1920×1080 LCD backlight

System Memory: 4GB/8GB DDR3L 1600, 4 slots (Max 32GB)

Chipset: Mobile Intel HM87 Express Chipset

Video Graphics: NVIDIA GTX 765M SLI GDDR5 4GB

Storage: mSATA 128GB/256GB, 2slot

2.5″ HDD 500GB/750GB/1TB 5400rpm , 1 slot

All that’s in a laptop that’s only 22.9mm thick. Bananas.

Aorus X7 [Site, via The Verge]