The Greatest (Fake) World Of Warcraft Patch Notes Ever Written

“The Love is in the Air quest ‘Crushing the Crown’ has been renamed ‘Crushing the Candy’. Bring it.” Oh, how I adore you, annual fake World of Warcraft patch notes.

Each year Blizzard’s WoW team celebrate April Fools’ Day by releasing a set of brilliant funny fake patch notes, poking fun at their players, current game industry events and themselves. This year’s notes are the best yet. Here are some highlights.

General

• To prevent confusion over whether you’re playing a card game or returning to town, the Hearthstone will now be called a Homerock.
• Dogecoin is now accepted as a form of payment, but no one really knows how it works.
• New paid service: Character Bust. Pay to de-level any character back to 1, removing all items, mounts, and gold, so you can relive the good ol’ days.

Classes

Death Knight

• Using Death Grip on something larger than your character will cause you to be pulled toward the creature instead of the creature being pulled toward you. Gnomes should just probably not be Death Knights.

Druid

• Chatting while in Cat Form will now be presented with poor spelling, in all caps, using the Impact font.
• Druids in Bear Form now receive a bonus to Fishing.
• Druids in Moonkin Form are now 50% more delicious. As always, we recommend Free Range Moonkin whenever available.
• Tree of Life form now has a healing penalty during Autumn and Winter.

Hunter

• For safety, all Hunters must now wear bright orange vests at all times..
• Aspect of the Pack has been renamed to Aspect of the Doge. Many daze, much anger, so mystery, wow!

Mage

• Using the Mage spell Blink will now attract the attention of creepy angel statues. Don’t “Blink.”
• To make playing a Mage more enjoyable, players who use the words “tray,” “food,” “drink,” “table,” “snack,” “mage,” or “pls” in Raid, Party, Battleground, Say, Yell, General, or Trade channels within a Mage’s hearing are killed instantly.
• Time Warp now requires just a jump to the left.

Monk

• The amount healed by Healing Sphere has been increased by 1000%, because RUN OVER THE HEALING SPHERES.
• Legacy of the White Tiger critical strike chance is now increased by 10% for all characters with green eyes.

Paladin

• Turn Evil can now be cast on players and NPCs. When used, it applies a small dark goatee and causes them to constantly explain their diabolical plans while steepling their fingers.
• Eternal Flame now correctly sets the targeted player on fire, forever.
• If Diablo III: Reaper of Souls is installed, Paladin characters will stare longingly over a fence at the Crusader, and then look away and pretend to be picking their nails if the Crusader notices.

Priest

• Shadow Priests have been retuned to be almost as good as Warlocks in every way. Almost.
• Vampiric Embrace now calls upon a glittery vampire to hold you and tell you he will always protect you, Bella.
• New Spell: Holy Diver. Sends the caster down too long in the Midnight Sea.

Rogue

• Rogue specialisations have been renamed to better encapsulate the skills and gameplay they represent.
• Assassination is now known as “Stabby”
• Combat is now known as “Pokey”
• Subtlety is now known as “Shanky”
• Fan of Knives now also makes your family kind of worried about you.
• Cloak and Dagger continues to remind you of that Dabney Coleman movie from the 80s with the old couple that really freaked you out.

Shaman

• The talent Rushing Streams now also really makes you have to pee.
• We give up. Shaman is now spelled “Shawmun.”

Warlock

• All spells and abilities have been significantly revamped. Again. You’ll figure it out.
• Warlocks are now overpowered. This will be addressed in a future expansion.

Warrior

• Warriors have been nerfed because reasons.
• Charge no longer stuns a target, and instead roots them for 1.5 seconds.
• Charge no longer roots a target, and instead stuns them for 1.5 seconds.
• Charge no longer roots or stuns a target, and instead Polymorphs them for 1.5 seconds.
• You know what? Charge has been removed from the game. OK? Great job. We hope you’re happy.

Quests

• The Love is in the Air quest “Crushing the Crown” has been renamed “Crushing the Candy”. Bring it.

Creatures

• Crabs have been removed from the game… because if I see another one I’m just going to totally lose it. *sobbing* I’m sorry, I just can’t right now… I just… OK just give me a minute, I’ll be OK.

Raids, Dungeons, and Scenarios

• As a part of the pre-expansion launch event, reaching the end of the Siege of Orgrimmar raid will now display: “Thank you! But our Garrosh is in another castle.”
• Due to recent acquisitions, The Oculus is temporarily inaccessible.
• Single-player dungeons have been added with challenging mobs and boss encounters. Queue times, however, are just going to be, like, totally bonkers.
• Flying mounts can now be used in all Pandaria Raids.
• As an added convenience, we’ve removed annoying obstacles like walls, ceilings, and anything else resembling an environment.

PvP

• We’ve reverted recent changes in Alterac Valley, as we’ve discovered the Horde were sometimes able to win.
• Upon being killed in PvP, you’ll now be presented with an interface allowing you to directly contact the developer responsible for this crap.
• Due to PvE gear being so much better in world PvP, we’re now offering all PvE content to those who only purchased the PvP version of the game.

UI

• Upon beating World of Warcraft, a New Game+ option will appear on the main menu, which allows players to replay the game at a more challenging difficulty level.
• A new option “Twitch to Move” has been added, allowing movement and actions to be controlled by people watching you on Twitch.tv.

Items

• Any references to [redacted] have been removed from the game.
• Rocket launchers have been added. Sweet, sweet rocket launchers.

Dear Blizzard, I case you were wondering how to get me back into World of Warcraft for good, all of these are an excellent start.

And those are just a portion of the sweeping changes not coming to WoW later this year though I wish they would. For the rest, you’re going to have to work.

Warlords of Draenor – 6.0 Patch Note Preview [That’s Right, Click That Link]

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