Meet Jack. Jack is just a normal kid with normal interests: mainly video games and trying to kiss/assault his older brother’s girlfriend Gina.
At least I think it’s his older brother’s girlfriend Gina. Who knows what the hell is going on in this sick, twisted cacophony of debauchery.
Meet Gina. Sassy, wholesome, empowered. Doesn’t take any goddamn shit from anyone. Also: heart of gold.
This guy, the guy holding the controller. This is Jack’s brother. I’m not sure what this dude’s name is. For the sake of clarity let’s just call him ‘brother’. Johnny Bravo Junior on the right? I’m not too sure what he’s doing here. Let’s just say he’s a wisecracking friend of the family. A ‘Screech’ from Saved by the Bell if you will, with a slight bullying edge. The is the antagonist of this story. Fuck this guy. We hate him and all he stands for.
Welcome friends. Welcome to the strangest commercial you’ve ever seen in your life. Welcome to a marketing nightmare gone terribly right. Or terribly terrible. In this topsy turvy world it’s difficult to tell which end is up.
Jack and the gang are all playing Super Smash Bros. on the Wii U. But oh dear-shit-god-damn, they’ve all got Amiibos, but Jack doesn’t. Fuck.
“GO GET YOUR MOM AND GO GET ONE SO YOU CAN GET IN.”
Johnny Bravo Junior does not mince his words. Buy an Amiibo right this goddamn second or you can’t play. CONSUME. CONSUME THE NINTENDO OBJECTS OR GET THE HELL OUT.
Thankfully, Jack’s Mum is all too happy to oblige, and takes him to the store like the absolute very next second. This is when things get dark. Real dark. Act two of our epic tale is about to commence.
At the store. Goddamn that’s a lot of Amiibos. So many Amiibos. How will Jack ever choose? He picks up Link — this is the one his brother has. Nah, bugger that…
Then, serendipity. From the corner of his eye, destiny awaits. Mario, that rotund, short plumber. That moustache bearing lothario, forever punching above his weight with Princess Peach. In his mind, a connection. Mario and Princess… Princess Peach was Gina’s Amiibo.
Mario and Princess…
Jack and Gina…
It’s on motherfuckers. It’s on.
Except it’s totally not. Jack gets wrecked.
He gets brutalised. His Mario is only at level 1 — how the hell could he possibly compete with all these level 50s dropping overhand rights on Mario/Jack, RKO OUTTA NOWHERE. The barbs are flying, his brother is talking mad smack. Even Johnny Bravo Junior is laying his shit in. Jack leaves a broken man. An empty space on the couch. A hole in his shattered heart.
What have they done? What barefaced monster have they unleashed?
Gina gives helpful tips. Could they be bonding over this shared experience? Could this romance bear fruit. The longing. It’s palpable, you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. How would Jack’s brother react? Is the world ready for this forbidden love?
Jack’s getting better. He’s getting stronger. His Mario is approaching level 50.
He’s ready. It’s time.
POWERPLAY MOTHERFUCKER. This is my house. I’m sitting next to Gina because I have got this. This is my time. MY TIME.
Game on. Or something to that effect.
Jack is winning. By jove he’s winning. They’ve got nothing. THEY’VE GOT NOTHING FOR HIM. This is comprehensive, this is glorious. All those seconds of hard work, all that training with Gina, it’s finally paying off. This is Jack’s crowning glory, this is his destiny, this is the moment he worked all those seconds to achieve.
Johnny Bravo Junior can’t believe it. He lost. He lost real bad. It’s all over. Jack wins. Our hero prevails, our antagonist is left cowering in his wake. He is weak and brittle, his bones are nought but dust.
In the heat of his victory Jack seizes the initiative, he aggressively leans in for a victory pash with Gina, to solidify their love, to seal it with a glorious kiss. The bards will sing of this moment…
His aggressive sexual advances rebuffed. REJECTED.
A harsh lesson has been learned. No Lil’ Bromeo, Gina is not a prize to be won. No matter how good you are at Smash, you’re no match for her true love…
A Samus Amiibo. That’s right — a twist in the tale. They all have secondary Amiibos. OH HOLY SHIT GODDAMN. What will our hero do now?
Not to worry. Jack came prepared. He always comes prepared.
He… has a Pikachu.
CHECK AND MATE.