Love, Heartbreak, Smash Bros. This Nintendo Commercial Has It All.

Meet Jack. Jack is just a normal kid with normal interests: mainly video games and trying to kiss/assault his older brother's girlfriend Gina.

At least I think it's his older brother's girlfriend Gina. Who knows what the hell is going on in this sick, twisted cacophony of debauchery.

Meet Gina. Sassy, wholesome, empowered. Doesn't take any goddamn shit from anyone. Also: heart of gold.

This guy, the guy holding the controller. This is Jack's brother. I'm not sure what this dude's name is. For the sake of clarity let's just call him 'brother'. Johnny Bravo Junior on the right? I'm not too sure what he's doing here. Let's just say he's a wisecracking friend of the family. A 'Screech' from Saved by the Bell if you will, with a slight bullying edge. The is the antagonist of this story. Fuck this guy. We hate him and all he stands for.

Welcome friends. Welcome to the strangest commercial you've ever seen in your life. Welcome to a marketing nightmare gone terribly right. Or terribly terrible. In this topsy turvy world it's difficult to tell which end is up.


Jack and the gang are all playing Super Smash Bros. on the Wii U. But oh dear-shit-god-damn, they've all got Amiibos, but Jack doesn't. Fuck.

"GO GET YOUR MOM AND GO GET ONE SO YOU CAN GET IN."

Johnny Bravo Junior does not mince his words. Buy an Amiibo right this goddamn second or you can't play. CONSUME. CONSUME THE NINTENDO OBJECTS OR GET THE HELL OUT.

Thankfully, Jack's Mum is all too happy to oblige, and takes him to the store like the absolute very next second. This is when things get dark. Real dark. Act two of our epic tale is about to commence.

At the store. Goddamn that's a lot of Amiibos. So many Amiibos. How will Jack ever choose? He picks up Link — this is the one his brother has. Nah, bugger that...

Then, serendipity. From the corner of his eye, destiny awaits. Mario, that rotund, short plumber. That moustache bearing lothario, forever punching above his weight with Princess Peach. In his mind, a connection. Mario and Princess... Princess Peach was Gina's Amiibo.

Mario and Princess...

Jack and Gina...

It's on motherfuckers. It's on.


Except it's totally not. Jack gets wrecked.

#rekt

He gets brutalised. His Mario is only at level 1 — how the hell could he possibly compete with all these level 50s dropping overhand rights on Mario/Jack, RKO OUTTA NOWHERE. The barbs are flying, his brother is talking mad smack. Even Johnny Bravo Junior is laying his shit in. Jack leaves a broken man. An empty space on the couch. A hole in his shattered heart.

What have they done? What barefaced monster have they unleashed?


Montage time.

Jack trains.

Gina gives helpful tips. Could they be bonding over this shared experience? Could this romance bear fruit. The longing. It's palpable, you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. How would Jack's brother react? Is the world ready for this forbidden love?

Jack's getting better. He's getting stronger. His Mario is approaching level 50.

He's ready. It's time.


POWERPLAY MOTHERFUCKER. This is my house. I'm sitting next to Gina because I have got this. This is my time. MY TIME.

Game on. Or something to that effect.

Jack is winning. By jove he's winning. They've got nothing. THEY'VE GOT NOTHING FOR HIM. This is comprehensive, this is glorious. All those seconds of hard work, all that training with Gina, it's finally paying off. This is Jack's crowning glory, this is his destiny, this is the moment he worked all those seconds to achieve.

Johnny Bravo Junior can't believe it. He lost. He lost real bad. It's all over. Jack wins. Our hero prevails, our antagonist is left cowering in his wake. He is weak and brittle, his bones are nought but dust.

In the heat of his victory Jack seizes the initiative, he aggressively leans in for a victory pash with Gina, to solidify their love, to seal it with a glorious kiss. The bards will sing of this moment...

JACK NOOOOOOOOO!

His aggressive sexual advances rebuffed. REJECTED.

A harsh lesson has been learned. No Lil' Bromeo, Gina is not a prize to be won. No matter how good you are at Smash, you're no match for her true love...

A Samus Amiibo. That's right — a twist in the tale. They all have secondary Amiibos. OH HOLY SHIT GODDAMN. What will our hero do now?

Not to worry. Jack came prepared. He always comes prepared.

He... has a Pikachu.

CHECK AND MATE.


Comments

    Mark Zuckerberg. The early years.

    http://image.noelshack.com/fichiers/2014/43/1414113211-meandgina.gif

    Yep so I'm just waiting for the Captain Falcon Amiibo.

    Someone just paid you to write out this analysis and create screenshots and gifs of what happens in a crap commercial which is bad enough just to watch. If ever there was a time for Kotaku to be lazy on an article this was it.

      Relax buddy, it's nearly the weekend. Put on a bad movie, kick your feet up. Have a drink if that's your thing. Let's play some video games. Anything but keep being dicks to each other.

      Nothing wrong with a little humor on Friday afternoon. WHY SO SERIOUS?

      Actually I spent way too much time finding the right screencaps, getting the GIFs, writing this all out. This is sorta the opposite of lazy. Lazy would have been -- 'look at this silly ad lol!'

      And the idea that Nintendo would pay for me to write something like this. LOL.

      You don't know Nintendo.

        I took it as meaning a half-assed job would have been appropriate/sufficed :p

        I however disagree. Was awesome!

        Apologies for the trolling, you can probably tell I was in a bad mood and bored this afternoon.
        But yeah it was more just surprising as something of that quality usually only deserves a headline.
        (and I was referring to Kotaku paying you , not Nintendo, but let's forget I said anything...)

        Last edited 24/10/14 6:59 pm

        I will just say "YEAH MARK!" as the article is one of the many examples of my love for your writing.

      Well you're a carrload of moron aren't you.

    Oh man.... Youtube comments closed for this video... If there was a video made for Youtube comments this would be it.

    Ok, this video is probably the most embarrassing thing I've seen in a long while. Taking my Wii U and burning it ASAP...

    I'm not sure why I like this but I do. It hit all the wrong notes in just the right way. I think I'd still root for the Playstation ads as the strangest, but they were definitely deliberate, this; I'm not so sure. Hilarious write-up.

    The German's have a word "Backpfeifengesicht". It means "A face in need of a slap". I don't think I need to go on.

      http://www.reddit.com/r/punchablefaces

        I should stipulate that I don't advocate the actual slapping. There are just certain configurations of features...
        http://edge.alluremedia.com.au/m/k/2014/10/jacklove.png
        ...that seem to illicit
        http://edge.alluremedia.com.au/m/k/2014/10/NOOOOOOO.png
        ...an instinctive desire for slapping deep in the lizard brain.

    Well I enjoyed this Markticle.

    That ad tho, that was something else.
    It certainly feels like the difference between Nintendo and Sony/Microsoft in the last decade, if you know what I mean. Like, the Wii was something else compared to the other consoles, and now this is the same thing, but with adverts instead of consoles.

    tl;dr: nintendiggas be crazy

      Markticle - yes that is so a thing now. Cause that is exactly what he brilliantly does.

      I think it is great that Nintendo do silly ads. Remember the one of Iwata and Fils-amiee going all super smash on each other at E3. THAT is how you do an ad. By making absurd fun of yourself.

    That was perfect. Classic 90's cheese with new millennium cynicism.

    the preview picture makes me wanna punch that kid in face so bloody hard

    does anyone here know the guys name?

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