Fake WoW Patch Notes Are Still The Funniest Part Of April Fools’

“Players now take 10% less damage in PvP.” “Players now deal 10% more damage in PvP.” “Players now act like they take 10% less damage in PvP, but they really don’t. They’re just kidding around.” You haven’t failed me yet, annual fake World of Warcraft patch notes.

Spread across more games each year, Blizzard’s April Fools’ stunts have been pretty hit or miss over the past couple of years. World of Warcraft Tinder? Cute. Heroes of the Storm big head mode? Eh. Still, each year there’s one Blizzard prank that always delivers. The fake World of Warcraft patch notes are always hilarious.

Here are some of the highlights from this year’s patch 6.1.4.

New Master Looting Options

• To alleviate social issues related to the Master Looter functionality, we’ve expanded the option to offer four distinct choices:
  • Master Looter
    • Unchanged
  • Submissive Looter
    • As the Submissive Looter, you’ll sign a contract with your raid allowing you to explore your boss-killing desires safely, with due respect and regard for one’s needs, one’s limits, and one’s well-being.
    • Per the contract, you’ll be given whatever loot the rest of the raid decides you get, and say thank you. Raid members can decide whether they like the gear you’re already wearing and, if not, demand that you disenchant it.
    • A new Safe Word option can be set through your Battle.net account settings that immediately ends the raid upon entering it into chat.

Warcraft: The Movie: The Game: The Movie

• In a world with noble warriors, spirit healers, and arcane powers, a movie industry is brewing. Catch your favourite Warcraft characters acting as other Warcraft characters in a fictional world within a fictional world in Warcraft: The Movie: The Game: The Movie.

General

• To curb confusion over whether to call them Undead or Forsaken, Sylvanas’s faction is now simply referred to as Walkers.

• We accidentally put the Dance Studio back in the game for a little while, but it’s been removed again. That was a close one.

• Patches will now be given titles that are more appropriate for today’s internet audience, beginning with Patch 6.2: Conquer the Iron Horde Using This One Weird Old Trick.

• Stormwind Park
  • [editor’s note: Remember to do something with this.]

• We’ve checked on the members of the band Fun, and they are alive and well despite forum claims to the contrary.

Races

• Gnome
  • Gnomes can now equip and wear goggles regardless of class or profession requirements. However, the goggles do nothing.

• Walker
  • Corrected an error where Walkers were able to gain benefits from eating and drinking.

Classes

Death Knights

• Dark Simulacrum is now 37% easier to pronounce.

Druids

• The Moonkin model has been updated, but it’s too adorable to kill, so we aren’t going to implement it. It’s pretty great, though.

Hunters

• Seem fine. (that’s the only note)

Mages

• Despite their many heroic deeds over the years, player Mages are still nowhere near as cool as Jaina or Khadgar.
  • Seriously, did you see what Khadgar did with the dam in Tanaan Jungle?
  • All of the elements were like FWOOOM and then he threw them at it like KAPOW and all the water went WOOOOSH.
  • It was awesome.

Monks

• Serenity now causes the caster to don a brown coat and get really sad about Wash.

Paladins

• In an effort to provide a friendlier image, the Order of the Silver Hand has designated several Raids, Dungeons, and Battlegrounds as “Judgment-Free Zones.” While in one of these zones, all Paladins will have their Judgment spells disabled.

Priests

• Leap of Faith can no longer be used on players channeling Hearthstone.
• Leap of Faith can no longer be used when the Priest is standing next to a cliff.
• Leap of Faith can no longer be used on players on or near elevators.
• Priests are now 80% less annoying.

Rogues

• After earning enough Combo Points, the Rogue’s next finisher will include fries and a drink.
• Distract can now be used on people who write patch no… ooh, shiny!

Shaman

• Lightning Bolt can now only be cast while moving. Stopping or standing still will interrupt the cast.

• Tremor Totem now has a chance to summon a giant worm and/or Kevin Bacon.

Warlocks

• Cataclysm has finally upgraded to Warlords of Draenor.

• Warlocks can now find and complete an epic, 47-step quest to earn Chromatic Fire. Finally, you can experience the true essence of the Warlock class: rainbows!
• Chaos Bolt can no longer be targeted. Chaos Bolt does what it wants. You’re not Chaos Bolt’s dad!

Quests

• New Quest Hub: Terminus
  • Sanctuary for all. Community for all. Those who arrive, survive.
  • To get to Terminus, pick up the quest “You’re the Butcher or You’re the Cattle” from Grick Rimes in Stormwind or Orgrimmar and follow the tracks. This quest is unavailable to Walkers.
  • Complete quests and earn reputation with the Terminants to gain access to the Walker’s “Cannibalise” racial ability.
• To alleviate confusion between franchises, the quest “Trouble at the Overwatch” has been renamed. It is now called “Trouble at the Hearthstone.” Wait, no. “Trouble at the Heroes of the Storm.” Argh, this is hard.

PvP

• Players now take 10% less damage in PvP.
• A number of Crowd Control (CC) changes have been made. Consult your class trainers before using CC.
  • Only use CC when you need it.
  • If your CC lasts longer than four hours, seek immediate medical attention.

• Players now deal 10% more damage in PvP.

• Players now act like they take 10% less damage in PvP, but they really don’t. They’re just kidding around.
• Fixed an issue causing some classes and specs to be completely broken in PvP.

Raids & Dungeons

• To avoid confusion between the Blackrock Mountain zone in World of Warcraft and the upcoming Blackrock Mountain Adventure for Hearthstone, we’re changing the name of Blackrock Mountain to Spooky Dark Lava Holes.
  • All enemies and bosses within Spooky Dark Lava Holes have had their health and damage increased substantially to try to make them feel better about it.

• Due to the extensive PvP changes in patch 6.1.4, all players have been nerfed when in raid combat. That’s how that works, right?

Pet Battles

• The Pet Battle Surrender ability has been renamed to Rage Quit.

Professions

• New Primary Profession: Character Model
  • We’re pretty sure there’s a lot more to life than being really, really ridiculously good looking, but you no longer need to find out what that is.
  • Master models can learn the Ambi-turn ability, allowing you to further customise your runway walk and go for the “I Turned Left!” achievement.
  • When taking the Character Model profession, you can still learn to do other stuff good too, because you’re so hot right now.

• The last person still farming Embersilk Cloth in Molten Front has been mailed a bunch of it.

UI

• By popular request, you can now make your shoulders invisible! Which seems really weird, but if you want to walk around with your arms detached from your body, ok.
• A dropdown menu has been added to the Death Recap screen, so you can immediately tweet your favourite developer about how you died.

Items

• Clothing vendors across Azeroth now offer a unique dress for sale that is either blue and black or white and gold depending on some kind of science stuff we still don’t understand.
• Savage Feasts now stack. Literally. Make forts and stuff.

Bugs

• Players who literally can’t even should be able to literally even again.