I can explain. So I was playing something or another on Steam last night while sitting in my office watching the children, who were in an entirely different room but that’s besides the point. As I was playing — I believe it was that new cyberpunk game Dex — I leaned back in my chair and happened to spot a spider the size of a small Volkswagen on the ceiling directly over my head.
Artist interpretation of ceiling spider.
Now one would think that a 6’6″ man would not be afraid of tiny little arachnid, but I am a 6’6″ man with a vivid imagination and strange thought processes. In my mind, the smaller an evil little thing is, the more of them can fit on my oversized body. It may only take a couple hundred spiders to cover an average sized man. I could easily host a thousand spiders. That’s my SHC — spider hosting capacity.
With most of my body frozen in fear, my right hand took it upon itself to act. As lefty gripped the armrest in terror, righty proved its dominance once again, searching over my desk for something capable of disabling the forward scout of a potential arachnid army from a safe range (say, New Jersey).
An empty Monster Energy can? Too light, too little spider-slaying surface. Lemon Pledge? No, that would just cause it to fall into my mouth, and the only thing worse than a spider in your mouth is a citrus spider in your mouth.
Finally my right hand grasped hope.
Pushing back from the desk slowly, I shook the can of spray adhesive vigorously, removed the cap, aimed and fired. Within milliseconds the large black spider was a large frosted black spider, the sort you might find in your cereal box if you had the sort of nightmares I do. It took a few small steps across the ceiling and then froze in place.
My weapon was effective, or was it? What if the spider was faking, waiting for me to resume my game before adhering itself to my face? And was an adhesive-coated spider hanging over my head any better than a regular one, really?
I had to finish the job. I reached for the first firm, flat thing I could find, and I squished.
And that’s why Plants Vs. Zombies: Garden Warfare for the Xbox One is firmly stuck to my office ceiling. It’s been there since yesterday, and shows no signs of coming down any time soon.
Maybe I’ll run with it. Each time I finish a game I could spray the back with glue and stick it up there, a ceiling-mounted shrine to all the games I’ve played before. Then again, the more games on the ceiling, the more places for the spiders to hide. I’ll probably just stick with the one.
Comments
37 responses to “Why There’s An Xbox One Game Stuck To My Ceiling”
I don’t know how to react to this article.
How about “hhmmm…. sacrilicious”
I don’t like spiders either, but I usually let them roam free. The spiders eat other bugs like ants and cockroaches.
… or is that just what the spiders want you to believe?
The spider actually see’s you as no different to the ants and cockroaches, just bigger, which means more babies it can lay inside you!
It’s just eating the ants and cockroaches etc. to work it’s way up to you…
This seems to be true. They do not appear to become old or feeble. They only increase in size with age as they consume more and more… growing in power. Some of the undisturbed spiders in my apartment complex’s garden have gorged themselves to the point that the same spider I saw spinning its web a year ago appears to have now grown nearly ten times in size.
Good lord that made me horribly uncomfortable.
I usually catch them and take them outside.
Sorry to feed your covered in spiders paranoia but how do you know that it is dead let alone even there without taking the case away? What if it somehow managed to survive, break free from the adhesive spray and is now plotting its sweet revenge with all its friends?
It is essentially Shrodingers spider, it is both there, and not there, until you look.
What the hell man? Just catch it and put it outside if you feel nervous about what was probably a completely harmless Huntsman spider.
This may be kotaku Australia, but I believe it’s a repost from Kotaku US – Mike’s from that side of the world, where the Huntsman is… less common.
And hell, killer spiders are too. Australian’s are callous, and get freaked out less by our 8-legged friends.
Just becuase they are not deadly doesn’t mean they move and look like something demonic
Agreed, I’ve been bitten by a redback and I still picked the thing up (Use the old glass and piece of card or envelope trick) and took it outside. I was once terrified of spiders but the more I’ve forced myself to have these interactions with them, whilst escorting outside to their new homes, the less afraid of them I’ve been.
You should of burnt down your house. Only way to make sure.
nuke it from orbit
Glass the earth
Find a new planet.
Except that’s your left hand…
You think in a panic he stopped to take a photo?
The left hand is holding the spray adhesive. The right hand is ‘grasping hope’ as described.
Spidergate
Adhesive spiders dropping from the ceiling? That’s the stuff nightmares are made of.
Just fling a rubber band at it. It’s super effective (as long as you don’t miss).
Getting buck naked and blowing on a large spider is usually the best way to get rid of them, try it. Works.
Won’t be quite as funny when your boss/landlord demands that you pay to have your ceiling repainted when you rip down a chunk of paint with that game case…
Big spider, sounds like a huntsman. Completely harmless. Maybe you should have just screamed and asked your wife to catch and release it outside for you.
i laughed, did a slow clap, then read the article to my wife.
The real issue with being tall & spiders on the roof… They are so much closer to your face.
Lol.
Good laugh to start the week.
Don’t read a case study of 80 millions spiders colonising a wastewater treatment plant.
http://www.entsoc.org/PDF/2010/Orb-weaving-spiders.pdf
WHY WOULD YOU POST THAT!?
WHY DID I CLICK THAT!?
:O
Yeah, that looks like a tall glass of “nope”
How did you know about this assembly of eight legged demons?
It was linked here.
http://what-if.xkcd.com/136/
From the URL you can deduce that there are 136 of these little question/answer thingos. Prepare to lose a few hours.
The first one is still on of my favourites.
http://what-if.xkcd.com/1/
Also the shining laser pointers at the moon.
edit – there is also a book full of heaps of these – about 60% new ones and the best from the site. If you really enjoy this, worth picking up. It’s a fun read!
$50 says he read it on XKCD What If.
For anyone interested (it is quite possibly the best thing on the internet), http://what-if.xkcd.com/
Yep, I posted that awhile ago. Then edited it another bit of info to the comment and it got stuck “awaiting moderation”.
I’ll try posting the full thing in here.
It was linked here.
http://what-if.xkcd.com/136/
From the URL you can deduce that there are 136 of these little question/answer thingos. Prepare to lose a few hours.
The first one is still on of my favourites.
http://what-if.xkcd.com/1/
Also the shining laser pointers at the moon.
edit – there is also a book full of heaps of these – about 60% new ones and the best from the site. If you really enjoy this, worth picking up. It’s a fun read!
I bought the book for a friend for his birthday, on the understanding that he would let me read it when he was done. He did not; we are no longer friends.
Awww. I’ve already lent mine to a friend. After reading it of course.
I was surrounded by thousands of large golden orb weavers once when I was on the central coast. Worst bush walk ever… Another time I kicked a small hollow log only to find it was colonized by about 50 full sized huntsmans 🙁
Worst bush walk ever… Another time I kicked a small hollow log only to find it was colonized by about 50 full sized huntsmans
Skimming through comments, scanning different species names, and read that as “colonized by about 50 full sized humans”. o_O
While looking at that pdf, a strand of my overly long hair fell onto the back of my neck, and I just about shat myself…
The Xbox game case is one of mans strongest weapons against the arachnids. In Australia, the spiders are massive and the generous killing surface of an Xbox case makes for a confirmed kill.
I don’t mind spiders, but it was probably wise to deal with that glue spider. Just imagine it wandering the house, small then ever-larger objects adhering to its hairy body until it’s large enough to roll you up in its sticky spider katamari.
Like a snowball, rolling down hill and gaining momentum… except with more spiders.
Na na na na na na na na
Katamari damacy
You, sir, are a nincompoop.