Grand Theft Auto V, As Reviewed By Significant Others

By now, everyone’s read reviews of Grand Theft Auto V from people who have played it. So we thought we’d bring you some reviews from people who haven’t.

Thanks to the power of crowdsourcing and Kinja™, we’ve rounded up some reviews of the fifth GTA from boys and girls across the globe who have watched their significant others play through the game. The results are pretty great. (Note: we’ll be continuing this feature with new games in the future — stay tuned once we figure out which one we’re going to do next.)

Let’s start with a heartwarming story about the power of true love, via Katie:

My boyfriend completely disappeared for two days after GTA V came out, not answering his phone, no one had seen him, and I was completely hysterical and ready to call the police when one of my friends told me she’d found him in one of his fraternity brothers’ dorm rooms. I ran in and found them both sitting there in stinking sweatpants surrounded by pizza boxes, and he turned to me with glazed eyes and said, “Babe! Check this out!” and played a montage of their most spectacular car crashes from the last 48 hours, as if he’d just been waiting for me to walk in the door. I walked out and didn’t speak to him for a week. So based on that, my review is, incredible graphics and I hope everyone involved dies. In a car crash. Obviously. — Katie

GTA V can fix broken relationships, too! Just ask Stacey:

My boyfriend and I keep opposite hours and when I get home from work late at night I usually find him mouth agape snoring on the couch. While I understand he has to be awake for work in the morning, I want my goodnight kisses dammit!! Ironically, we have found a trick that works to keep him awake and that is a loud video game called Grand Theft Auto.  
 
There is no way he can fall asleep while playing a game with the constant screaming of people being mugged, shot or beat to death. I believe the incessant, annoying helicopter sounds are the key to keeping my boyfriend from dozing off at 9:30pm. The best part is that he turns it off when I get home! A win-win for our loving, kiss filled relationship. — Stacey

Meet Tyler, who knows he has it good:

I bought a PS4 on Black Friday and being the kind, sharing husband that I am, I encouraged my wife to give GTA V a go. As much as I think GTA V is a great game, it isn’t for me. My wife, on the other hand, got sucked into the story and played through it pretty quickly. This was perfectly fine. Then she started playing online. Once she started that, I couldn’t pry the controller from her hands. The only solution was to buy another PS4 and TV so she can play her games and I can have my PS4 back. I did just that.  
 
Unfortunately, her high level online character is tied to my PSN account and there isn’t any way to transfer her character. I have quite a few hours logged in Destiny so I’m not about to make another PSN account on the other PS4 so I can play without having to wait my turn. That’s pretty much my beef with GTA V. I’m actually pretty lucky to be married to a girl that loves gaming as much as I do so I should probably stop complaining. — Tyler

Some people, like Kat, are just not big fans of Rockstar’s video games.

I suffer through this game on a regular basis. It’s kind of hard to watch him play, and even harder for him to play – we have four kids, and the game is not, shall we say, all that friendly to a six year old popping in and hearing some of the more juicy dialogue, let alone action. While I can say that The Mister usually avoids anything to do with prostitutes, the hookers pop up like whack-a-moles throughout the entire process. I can also say that the rough, jacked-up voice of Michael Trevor makes me grit my teeth because he NEVER SHUTS UP and everything he says is incredibly stupid.  
 
All in all, it’s a game about driving through a bombed-out shithole of a city in a succession of cars you steal to complete tasks you never get done before someone else drops something else on you. I hate that game and I’m glad he’s moved on to Witcher III which has all the same stuff but at least it’s, you know, kinda historical or whatever. (He notes, “It’s a good game to play but I’m stuck so whatever.”) — Kat

Others, like Jake, worry that GTA might have… debilitating effects.

My boyfriend and I have been together 7 years (recently engaged), I’m a huge gamer, him not so much. He plays only one of two games Forza and GTA V. 
 
He never plays when I’m home. It’s always when I’m at work. However, when I come home from work, sometimes I’ll catch him still playing. He doesn’t actually PLAY the game, as in doing missions and such. Well, maybe he’ll START a mission, but then he gets distracted midway through…by one simple thing…BUSES! Like a dog to a bone, he just has to drop whatever he is doing (even if it may be mid-mission) and climb on top of the bus.  
 
What does he do once his character is on top of the bus? He shoots the roof of the bus so the driver speeds away, his character somehow stays atop the bus, and he just decides to snipe/rocket-launch anything and everything he can. He gets so distracted by the buses that i have actually seen him do this for well over an hour! Bus blows up? Franklin dies? No problem! Start all over and find a new bus filled with patrons to terrorize while it drives through Los Santos! 
 
I don’t let him take the bus IRL. Also, anytime I bring up some cool mission I may have done in the game when I beat it for the third time about a year ago…he says “I haven’t got that far yet.” 
 
I wonder why? — Jake

Julie likes it when her husband takes advantage of GTA’s… hobbies.

This game is totally mis-marketed, in my opinion; it should be sold to consumers with the idea that you are to run people over. Honestly. Think about it: that’s the best part of the whole game — running over innocent pedestrians and hookers with your chosen mode of transportation. There’s nothing more satisfying than chasing someone with a jet, and there isn’t enough of this, in my opinion. I sit quietly, while he goes through the plot line, and I am uninterested. But, at the end of each game-playing session, my spouse takes it upon himself to run people over, and blow things up — NOW I’m riveted to the TV, cheering him on. Seriously, it’s addicting. — Julie

Anie made me sad with this one. 🙁 Poor Trevor.

My fiancé is an avid gamer, and had been eagerly anticipating GTA V. I like games, too, but I lack the coordinating to be able to drive and shoot and keep an eye on the mini-map and the cops chasing me, so I casually watch him play while doing other things around the house. It’s a set up that works well for us. 
 
Well, when he got to the part with Trevor and and the crime drug lord’s elderly wife, I got really invested. Their love just seemed so improbable and good and I thought “Hey, maybe GTA is doing a redemption arc for this horrible meth dealer! He was saved by the love of a good lady!” And when they broke up I cried for a good fifteen minutes, because damn it, some of us still believe in love. 
 
Trevor + Patricia 4eva — Anie

Skyrim fan Domina has some concerns about her husband…

It is with a high amount of sarcasm that is the fuel to this review of my spouse’s enjoyment of Grand Theft Auto V. Admittedly, I do enjoy the production value and the voice acting, but I do cringe at the lack of scruples he has when he shoots a hooker in the face. I can’t exactly be super judgmental of his sporadic and morally grey killing sprees, for I play Skyrim religiously and am a member and acting leader of the Dark Brotherhood.  
 
However, I do feel that there is a suppressed sociopathic and calculating killer that lies beneath a sweet and dorky exterior; waiting and lurking for the right time to strike an unsuspecting old lady with a GTA off-brand Corvette (he has a thing for Corvettes), or calculating the perfect place to perform his own personal airstrike with a fighter jet.  
 
I digress, I love my husband, but I have a preoccupying disdain for GTA V but that’s why great Co-ops like Diablo 3 were made so I can happily pull his arse away from torturing a poor schmuck NPC for intel. Thanks for hearing my concerns. — Domina

“We’ve never felt more gangster,” says Katie.

It’s normal to watch my husband play games, but GTA V stood out to me as one of the best he’s played and there was lots of room for interaction between us. He made me drive to destination points as he got up to go to the bathroom or get a drink, and I also picked out Franklin and Trevor’s outfits. I designed his cars, spent his money, and encouraged him to beat up hookers. Overall, I was a pretty miserable gaming partner but we enjoyed the story together and laughed how Trevor is Canadian, like us. 
 
There was just so much to do all the time it seemed like we barely completed a mission before another one was started. My favourite parts were Trevor’s rampage missions, the heists, running from the cops, and dropping off drugs via aircraft. We’ve never felt more gangster, and alas, probably never will again. — Katie

GTA brings the whole family together! Just ask Melissa:

Hi!
 
My boyfriend plays this and I watch.. 
 
I can’t let my son or his in room while he plays. My bf was like watch this he picked up hooker and was banging her.. OMG! And then shot her! Well to be honest I’m sure my son has seen that or heard because his dad lets his teenage son play it and my son has sat to watch him play. It’s still entertaining to watch, but it is a bit much at times. I seem to like the others better, maybe not as over the top. — Melissa

Suck it, FIFA. Angie picks GTA.

My boyfriend has had various X-Box models since we’ve been together. I’ve tried getting into a few games myself but it’s never stuck (I’m a reader, what can I say?) I usually don’t even like to watch what he plays; he just plays FIFA most of the time. When he got GTA V, I was intrigued. Finally something different than soccer and Martin Tyler’s voice night after night.  
 
As soon as I saw his character die in a car crash, I needed my boyfriend to do it again. Soon a normal crash wasn’t enough so I told him to hijack a bus and crash that. Then I told him to drive erratically up a cliff and parachute off that. Then I had him hijack a helicopter. As you can see, the greater his character fucked up, the more I laughed. Police chases, assaulting innocent bystanders, taking selfies with dead-eyed store associates? Yes! This to me is the best part of the game! 
 
To conclude: This game succeeds in keeping the significant other entertained. Take note, FIFA.— Angie

One anonymous submitter asks the question we’ve all been wondering:

I see blowjobs (so many blowjobs) but WHERE IS THE CUNNILINGUS? Definitely needs more cunnilingus. When even the Sims are doing a better job at simulating sex than your game is, you should know it’s past time to up that “OOH” game.

Here’s an accurate summary of GTA V’s story, via Jennifer:

Lots of just driving around for no apparent reason. I mean hours and hours of just stealing kids’ bicycles and rich guys’ corvettes to just run them into a ravine or off some “sick jump” while Mister, Mister’s Broken Wings plays in the background. All you do is run over people, randomly punch strangers, shoot rocket launchers at helicopters, blow up armoured trucks, and go to the Purple Unicorn for lap dances/titties. I have yet to see any story line. — Jennifer

Tricia’s submission ends with a bit of a twist:

My ex was HUGE into GTAV (and the others but I never saw him play those). While I judged him hard at first the longer I watched the more I usually liked it. I would get invested in the missions and races, my favourite being snipers vs stunters. I was less into “let’s be dicks and kill random people but complain whenever the same thing happens to us. Biggest con: I would be working and he’d be laughing and I couldn’t hear the jokes because of the damn headphones. Pro: banging him while the mic was muted and no longer being the one left out. — Tricia

Some significant others, like Megan, really don’t like Grand Theft Auto:

So my boyfriend has been playing GTA for quite some time now. Now my opinion for the game, the game by itself apart from the wasted hours my boyfriend eagerly spends on it, is its a great game. Graphics are life like as well as the street gang life it portrays. I will admit rockstar did an amazing job making players feel as if theyre really some topdog badass “cappin” on other “crews” making them think theyre the shit. But since I have to hear the ridiculous amounts of seriousness people put into this game and how they literally set real life aside to go kiss arse to their crew leader which is probably some twelve year old kid in england who hasnt reached puberty, I fucking hate this game.  
 
I love my boyfriend but I literally just want to scream how stupid this game is and you do not sound cool talking shit to all the other lame kids on here. Its just a game that doesnt mean anything and no it does not look “sick” when you and your crew are rollin 10 deep on motorcycles. Who cares!! Its like men playing with dolls, worrying about which outfit to wear for a TDM . In all honesty, this does not turn me on. — Megan

Abby isn’t a big fan of those virtual GTA girlfriends…

My husband Stuart received GTA V as a wedding present from his friend. The day we got back from our honeymoon, he started to play it and didn’t stop until months later. It was winter, and there wasn’t much else to do on cold nights other than sit and watch it. One time I fell asleep next to him to wake up to what I thought was a nightmare — oh no, it was an actual torture scene in the game. Where the gross dude pulls out some other guy’s teeth. My biggest complaint with his game play is that he never goes to missions immediately. He’ll spend so much time making the guy wear different clothes and asking what I think and then driving scooters off ramps or jumping off things. 
 
After hours of doing nothing then he’ll complete a mission. He tried to trick me to spend time with him by looking up a BBC historical fiction drama thing and have me watch it on my laptop so that I sit next to him, and he can play and ask me to watch him drive off stuff or do weird side missions. I think it’s less fun for him if he doesn’t have me validating that he is doing these ridiculous acts. I’m happier this game he doesn’t spend time taking girls on dates and going to bars with his friends than he did with the last one. I was pretty annoyed about that. — Abby

Casey sums up Grand Theft Auto pretty well:

Chaos. When I watch my boyfriend play people fall from the sky motorcycles appear out of nowhere its madness. I know there’s supposed to be a loose story and missions to accomplish but I’ve never seen that part played out. The only order I’ve seen is his in game garage is packed with the best cars the game offers. — Casey

“Sometimes I make them my girlfriend,” explains Emily.

I would like to submit my review of Grand Theft Auto V. I am a girl who has a boyfriend who really, really likes GTA. I don’t play video games very often, but sometimes watching my boyfriend play makes me want to try, so when he gets up to use the bathroom I’ll snatch the PS4 controller. 
 
It is a very visually impressive game, and the amount of experimentation (read: fuckery) that’s possible is kind of fascinating and liberating. I really enjoy climbing the mountains, watching the sunrise from the top, then letting my character fall down the mountain and die. I also like dressing up Trevor in ridiculous outfits and trying to drive like a normal law-abiding citizen. My favourite GTA activity would have to be sex with prostitutes. Sometimes I make them my girlfriend by forcing them to stay in the car with me afterwards. Other times I run them over to get a full refund. 
 
I usually hand the controller back once the police start chasing me. — Emily

Ifi’s got her priorities straight:

I liked the dog. I worked hard to train him. however he still didn’t do much. still liked him though. The strippers seemed like lovely gals, and the movie deserved an oscar. Also, back to the dog, I invested a lot of time making sure he was safe during him “missions”. I am glad he always got home in one piece. — Ifi

I’m a little worried about Ashley…

I watch my husband play GTA on the random occasions he fires up the XBOX 360. It’s sort of a “release” for me if you will. I think it’s a voyeuristic way of safely taking out the frustrations of the day and life in general. Is killing hookers and running over random innocents terrible and violent? Yes. But it’s not any worse than what’s shown on cable TV and movies, so whatever. 
 
Honestly, the ridiculousness of it all makes me laugh and we bond together over it. 
 
FWIW, my favourite “scenario” that he creates for me is when he forces a massive highway crash that causes all the vehicles to catch fire, INCLUDING the ambulance and an EMT also ON FIRE running out of it. Sick as fuck but we get the belly laughs out of it, which is perfect after a stressful day at work or whatever. — Ashley

Jen isn’t a big fan of Bloodborne:

I watched my boyfriend play GTA5 on the PS3 when it came out, and I’m currently watching him play through story mode on the PS4. 
 
There’s nothing new, interesting, or exciting about the story. Hey, a fancy guy with obnoxious kids. Look, there’s a meth guy and a black guy with a dog. The dog’s not even cute, but he’s animated better than the dog in Fallout 3, so that’s a plus. It’s just cookie cutter commentary on the least common denominator. How edgy. <yawn> That said, I do like the game. It’s pretty to watch, and there’s always something happening (as opposed to watching him play Bloodborne… Wow, there’s another undead dude in a grey castle, and… You Died. My boyfriend’s crying again.) 
 
I do steal the controller from time to time so I can take bicycles to the top of the mountain and die on the way down. That’s about as long as the game can hold my attention as foreground entertainment. — Jen

GTA V: the perfect way to get alone time. Just ask Gillian:

I am so grateful for GTA V and its multiplayer mode. Every night at 8 my husband logs on with our best buddies and plays, allowing me time to have a nice hot shower, read a book, or even watch stupid reality TV in my bedroom without feeling like I’m putting him out or ignoring him. The long load times and the party mode glitches really help to extend my alone time, too. The fun he has playing overcomes any annoyances though, so he’s always in a good mood when he’s done for the night. 
 
Oh, and our daughter thinks the load screens are pretty. — Gillian

Can’t blame Shawn for laughing at this…

My boyfriend and I work our asses off during the week, so most weekends are spent being as lazy as possible which usually looks like this: us sitting next to each other on the couch, me playing The Sims on my laptop and him playing GTA V on the TV. Usually for about 12 hours at a time. Periodically we check in with each other to see how our virtual lives are going, me trying to get my characters through school, relationships and jobs, him trying to steal as much money as possible.  
 
I’ve helped him choose his character’s outfits, tattoos, and apartment, and one of my favourite things to do is watch him try to fly a plane because he’s still so terrible at it. I will never not giggle when he’s getting ready for a heist and asks his cohorts on Xbox Live if they have enough “snacks” (it took me a while to figure out that he wasn’t making sure his friends ate enough, but was in fact gathering supplies for the mission). — Shawn

“I’m actually probably really psycho?” It’s possible, Shannon!

We were both excited when it came. I tried playing the fourth one before we were together, but it was too hard! There was this one mission in like a building with no roof (?!) that I could never pass. But watching Patrick play GTAV was so fun. I was really bossy because it felt like he was always making the wrong choices – like, just follow the fucking GPS for once in your life. I would love when he would go to the bathroom or get up to get a drink or something because I could take the controller and just cause chaos.  
 
My favourite thing to do would be to walk behind someone on the street and just punch their head. I know this probably makes me a psycho but it would make me laugh so hard I would cry. I would also beg him to let me dress the characters. I would get all three of them in like nice jeans and cool plaid shirts and hipster glasses, and it would piss me off so bad when the game would switch them back to their other clothes.  
 
The other thing I loved was walking through the Hollywood Hills houses and swimming in all the pools/killing the people who were lounging by the pool. I’m actually probably really psycho? Patrick also SUCKED at evading the cops. Like, just hide in a fucking bush, stop driving the car off of freeway overpasses. “We” finished the game a long time ago, but we still like to make references to the game. When I get really angry (I have a bit of a temper) he calls me Trevor. Soooo cute, right? True love. — Shannon

Jenny isn’t a fan of the GTA video editor!

My human associate has clocked in nearly 500 hours in the PC version of GTA 5 so far. I’d say about 60 of those were spent in single player and I distinctly remember not being able to tell if the plot’s being so insufferable was on purpose or not. They could’ve replaced the entirety of Michael’s storyline with a series of farting and snoring noises and it would have been a tour de force in comparison. Trevor struck me as a Poochie for the mid-2010s. Like, the writer of GTA 5 had a really neat concept going in for him, I think, and then a bunch of old dudes sat at a table and stuck post-it notes to the character outline in an attempt to sharpen the hell out of those edges. Should have just stuck with Franklin.  
 
I was thankful when he’d finished story mode because I thought, finally, maybe now he can go back to yelling at Hotline Miami 2, but no. The 440 other hours have all been in GTA Online or in the video director. I have the entirety of Chakra Attack memorized. Whenever I hear a phone ring I expect to hear Brucie yelling at me about apex predators. I don’t think he’s done any heists or whatever, but I do know that he definitely spent around twenty hours making a video in the GTA director and now I wake up every morning with I 69 stuck in my head because of it: . I wouldn’t have it any other way. — Jenny

Logan’s got a great story about GTA and cathartic release:

Not a born gamer, I have been slowly drawn into video games thanks to my husband. I prefer story based games (my favourites include The Last of Us, LA Noire, and the Uncharted series) that truly engage me in the plot and that I can enjoy regardless of whether or not I’m the one at the controls. GTA, despite the plot that I only vaguely remember, is not one I would normally consider watching my husband play. He enjoys driving around and trying new stunts, so I usually give that one a pass. But GTA 5 does hold a special place in my heart as it provided some very needed catharsis after our car was struck by a semi two years ago. He and I were both fine, but our car was totaled and we were sore, angry, and shaken.  
 
I remember sitting on the couch with my husband the day after the accident as he drove up to a grassy hill above a tunnel and waited. When the first semi arrived, he attacked. We spent a good chunk of that day crashing our car into oncoming semis and using bombs to blow them off the road. It was the perfect way to work out our frustrations in between calls to our insurance company, googling replacement cars, and reassuring our parents that we were ok. I can’t vouch for the rest of the game – I never fully caught the gist of the plot and my husband prefers running over pedestrians and jumping off tall buildings to visiting the hookers – but I can say that after the trauma we experienced, GTA was exactly what we needed. Five stars and my gratitude for a much needed catharsis. — Logan

I agree with Annie’s assessment of Trevor:

It’s been a while since my husband has sought the mean streets of San Andreas with his good pals Michael, Franklin, and Trevor, so forgive me if my memory is a bit fuzzy. Let’s be serious, this isn’t a game that changes the way the world of games works. In fact, I often referred to it as “Red Dead Redemption in cars” in terms of the game play and progress. But there’s a certain amount of abject joy that comes from watching a game where the plot focuses on horrible characters making a series of ongoing bad decisions. While a total cliché, they’re all the prototypical antihero that you somehow end up wanting to succeed (well, maybe except Michael – I didn’t ever give a crap about Michael).  
 
My absolute favourite bits were the Trevor bits. His completely manic, utterly insane, totally over-the-top style of irreverence about everything made for a memorably hilarious video game character. I mean c’mon, the guy eats people, runs around in various states of undress, loves to show off his dick, but collapses to a whimpering mess of fear and self-loathing when dear ol’ mum shows up. How can you not love a guy like that?! — Annie

And finally, a five-star review from Jennifer:

I got a call from the police station yesterday. The officer told me that my boyfriend stole a firetruck and proceeded to drive over hundreds of innocent civilians with a demeanour that can only be described as borderline psychotic. I believed him though when he said they deserved it. He’s a good person and would never do that if they hadn’t really gotten in his way while trying to rob a bank. I’ll admit that when I first saw my boyfriend playing gta, I wasn’t sure about it. It seemed a bit dark what with the hookers and rocket launchers and all.

But I’ve come to realise that it does, in fact, set a great example for how to succeed in life: always look out for yourself first — even if that means indiscriminately massacring millions by way of ostentatious Michael Bay-esque explosions, or committing grand larceny. My eyes have been opened to a whole new way of life. GTA is a highly complex and deeply sophisticated experience that my boyfriend and I can now share both in our living rooms, and out in the real world. I give it 5 stars. — Jennifer