Remember the official Pokémon reggae song that was released last year in Japanese? Today, it was translated to English — which means we can take a closer look at the lyrics. And well… they’re kind of uncomfortable!
Let me preface this by saying that we all know that people eat Pokemon. That’s just a fact. In Pokemon Gold & Silver, there’s an entire segment about a Team Rocket operation that cuts off the tails of Slowpoke and then tries to sell them for a hefty sum.
The reggae song has references to this practice within the lyrics (emphasis mine):
Slow slow slow
Ah-oo what’s your story, Slowpoke?
Slow slow slow
Ah-oo what’s your story, Slowpoke?
Every night, you’re the one
Dreams of waking with the sun
But you sleep in ’til noon (Slowpoke)
Your pink hue
Is your colour, through and through
I can see it’s the real you (Slowpoke)
Your big mouth
Like a supermarket door
Open seven/twenty-four (Slowpoke)
Your sweet tail sap
Is a yummy yummy snack
We’re hungry and we want more
(Slowpoke)
You’re so slow, that
Your picture never blurs
The speedometer concurs
(Slowpoke)
Slow slow slow
Ah-oo what’s your story, Slowpoke?
Slow slow slow
Ah-oo what’s your story, Slowpoke?
Lose your tail, that’s all right
It will grow back someday
That’s really cool (Slowpoke)
Dopey Pokémon, the
Category they settled on
Too bad for you (Slowpoke)
What word starts with “S”
And ends with letter “E”?
It’s obviously…(Sunstroke)
You fish with your tail
But you’re too slow when they bite
And so they swim out of sight (Slowpoke)
Your slow-motion roll has got a lot of soul
It’s your cruise control
(Slowpoke!)
Slow slow slow
Ah-oo what’s your story, Slowpoke?
Slow slow slow
Ah-oo what’s your story, Slowpoke?
You yawn a single time
Down comes the rain sublime
If the famous legend is true
But you’ve been yawning all day long
And the blue skies aren’t gone
You’ve got some explaining to do
A Shellder bites your tail
And then you become a Slowbro
That’s a dopey evolution (Slowpoke)
Everywhere you go
There are Slowpoke passing through
Maybe there’s one right behind you (Slowpoke)
Plodding, poky,
sluggish, tardy,
so late you’re early (Slowpoke)
Slow slow slow
Dude, what’s your deal, Slowpoke?
Slow slow slow
Ah-oo what’s your story, Slowpoke?
A great big Berry fell
Bonked you on the head
But you feel no pain (Slowpoke)
Your ears curl in — there’s a reason, you said
What was it again? (Slowpoke)
You just said “SLO”
Did you feel that Berry only just now?
You’re really somethin’ (Slowpoke)
Someday you’ll be Slowbro, or maybe even Slowking
Or you’ll just keep bein’ (Slowpoke)
Stand in a ring
Bite your buddy’s tail for lunch
What a happy looking bunch
Slowpoke!
Slow slow slow
Ah-oo what’s your story, Slowpoke?
Slow slow slow
Slowpoke!
It’s all in good fun, and it’s even consistent with the lore, but man: I’d really rather not think about eating my monster pals, you know? The worst part is when I start to analyse the situation here, because the lyrics suggest that Slowpoke actually doesn’t feel much pain. Plus, it will grow the tail back, right?
Ugh. It’s still kind of weird. I kind of get the feeling that it’s more OK to joke about eating Slowpoke because it’s one of the not-so-smart Pokemon, which in of itself is fucked up!
YES I KNOW THEY’RE NOT REAL I DON’T GIVE A SHIT
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