“According to clinical research … randomised, double-blind, placebo-controlled human clinical trials published in peer reviewed journals have shown that Ambrotose powders can positively impact brainwaves associated with attention in young adults and improve memory and alertness in middle-aged adults.” This is a press release from a powder. For esports.
So I guess it’s time to rack up?
In case you’re thoroughly confused, we got what will comfortably be the weirdest press release regarding esports that I’ve ever seen in my inbox. It’s a supplement powder — like protein powder, but this is for your virtual guns — that the company is quite proudly proclaiming can “support key performance factors for video gamers, including increased focus, attention and memory”.
Some video gamers, of course. Not all gamers. Because that would be an absurd thing to say.
According to the Mannatech site, adding four grams of Advanced Ambrotose powder into your magic water could improve your daily esports by:
- Increase immune system support*
- Support digestive function*
- Improve memory and cognitive function*
- Enhance mood and decrease irritability*
- Can support body’s immune response to vaccinations against bacterial infections*
- Can enhance the body’s response to vaccinations*
- May help keep the immune system strong year-round*
- Modulates and support the body’s immune response*
- May support the body’s ability to respond to pathogens*
- Supports the innate immune response*
In case you’re wondering, that asterisk is a note that you can return the product within 180 days for a full refund if not completely satisfied. Might be helpful for the TAYbies among us whose bodies have a natural aversion to vaccinations.
I wonder if I’ll get extra HP from medkits in Left 4 Dead now.
The main components of the Ambrotose Complex appears to be Vitamin A and 150mg of “Ambrotose complex”, which is comprised of arabinogalactan, aloe vera, ghatti gum and gum tragacanth, along with some basics like brown rice flour, stearic acid, silicon dioxide and vegetable cellulose.
Even more hilariously, the PR email reads that “last year competitive gaming ran into issues of the use of possibly harmful substances”. “Mannatech’s products are formulated without any substances banned by major worldwide anti-doping agencies,” it continues.
The subject headline: “Competitive gamers have a legit way to up their game.” Who needs modafinil or ritalin? I almost feel bad writing about this, except for the fact that it’s too funny and I’ve already been reduced to tears of laughter twice from the press release alone.
“Additionally, for players that need to keep going strong during long gaming sessions or intense competitive gaming matches, Mannatech offers MannaBOOM™ Slimsticks.”
They’re health bars that boost your cell-to-cell communication and defence against free radicals. Supposedly. No word on whether they’ll give you a thicker skin for matchmaking or Reddit though.
It says I can request a sample of the products. It sounds so absurdly ridiculous that I’m almost considering it. What do you think? Should I be replacing the coffee in my yoghurt with Mannatech Esports 360 MLG No Scope Bro Powder (not its actual name) instead?