A librarian saying you read to many books? Then, saying you have to much of an imagination then spewing random shit about god? and on top of all of that it looks like someone coded the game with their butt?! I must have this.

essko

@RocketChump:

Real-time weapon swapping and Massive damage too?

Datalock

the absolute sheer idiocy and creepy surreal nature of this disturbing artifact have rendered me utterly speechless.

BodyOfTheMany

I think it's brilliant that a christian game would make the only believer a mentally disabled man child. To nonbelievers in this game, please remember that this is marketed to children, probably to get them interested in religion. Hannah's reaction at 29 sec in sums it up.
And games have been worse:
[www.somethingawful.com]
I actually bought that monstrosity. It's pretty much the same level repeated over and over. Check out the graphics. And you should have seen the bail animations!
@killerrobosaurus: That scared the hell out of me. I thought that he was about to start some shit in the name of god!

Erwin211

It seems like a joke... But I hope that it's real, because it makes it that much more humorous.

torsoboy

1.) "God can do ANYTHING!" Except make decent textures, apparently.

2.) DANGER. HYDROGEN.

3.) The race announcer's vocal delivery is reminiscent of Uncle Bill from "American Movie."

SirCletus

Here's the developer name, found in "Credits":
Randall Alaimo

When Googled, all I come up with is more Christian nonsensical stuff.

Did anyone bother to read 'Creature Stories" on the website. Crow's pooping? (with added sfx in the TEXT!). Crows on the moon? This is some of the best comedy writing I've seen in YEARS:

------------------------------------------

"Look Cain!", she declared, "The crows have come out to greet us.", but just then she noticed that the crows were indeed flying overhead, but they also were pooping lots of poop from above (you then click the word poop for fart.wav). As the noise and stench came from above, she shouted aloud, "Quick everyone!" "Let's run into this cave over here!".

Then Hannah noticed that the cave ending was a cliff that dropped down to a deep river far below. Agggh!, she screamed as she fell down. "Oh those nasty crows", she said aloud. "If I could just be on the moon, then there would be no more crows, because crows don't live on the moon!"

Hannah's Moon Trip:

On another day, however, Hannah found herself on a rocket and then afterwards on the moon itself. While on the moon she heard the faint sound of a bird. It was… It was crows! The crows were on the moon! Yes and their crow poop were there also again, but she tried hard to avoid it.

------------------------------------------

GOLD, right?

I just pray it's not meant to be a real "3d interactive zoo game for kids ages 5-13."
I can't imagine what this game would have done to me at that age!

nightram

@KM91: It's a parody.

Also, on the EXTREME off-chance that right-wing Christians DID in fact create this game, I want some of whatever they're smokin.

waitinthecar

Everybody...we're not seeing the big picture here...this is obviously the sequel to..Big Rigs: Over The Road Racing.

s0nlxaftrsh0ck

At first I thought it looked like something out of the 90's, but this is really the second coming of Crysis, or pre, or something...

System Requirements:
Minimum: Pentium 4 - 1.6 GHz or higher - 512 MB RAM
Recommended: Pentium 4 - 2 GHz or higher - 1024 MB RAM - Pixel Shaders 2.0 or above
Windows 98/ME/2000/XP/VISTA
DirectX 9 or greater

bigfry

I sweat I heard Charlie the Unicorn in there, right when she transformed.

HaxorParadox

Yes, they race so fast that they are shot right out of the Biblical Canon.

This looks like it was rendered in Second Life by a bunch of stoners.

soul4sale

Game demo keeps crashing before title screen.

murdermonkey

noah's ark isn't limited to the christian religion. noah's ark is believed by abrahamic religions. so you're either singling out christianity, attempting to insult it, or you're leaving our jews, muslims and bahais out of your fun.

paroxetine

it's a joke. The voice of the rhinocerous sounds exactly like the voice of the main character on Xavier: Renegade angel, a show on adult swim. The show goes out of it's way to screw with religion, and the whole thing is done in a second life style. and the show is just as trippy as the trailer

bluehippie

It's a joke. I'm 99.9% positive the voice of the rhinocerous is the voice of Xavier: Renegade Angel on adult swim. The show goes out of it's way to screw with religion and the whole thing is as trippy as the game trailer

bluehippie

Quote the librarian: "I think you read too much...You have too much imagination." With librarians like her, no wonder kids aren't reading anymore.

Also, the company's rewards seem more like a report from the doctor saying your STD free...something you don't to tell people you needed to have checked in the first place.

SamKablam

@Samaridino:
I was crying with laughter at that point.

murdermonkey

This is like that Patton Oswalt joke about the KFC bowls "First time I saw it, I thought it was a Tim and Eric sketch."

I apologize for the pop-culture reference clusterfuck, but that's literally my reaction. This is either elaborate satire, or one more painfully ill-conceived attempt to give kids their religion with mini-games.

How about something historical? You could play as a 15th century priest in some pleasant cartoon village full of colorful peasant types and their curmudgeonly local nobleman, tending to your flock like Animal Crossing or the Sims. See, I'm not even a Christian, and still I've got ideas.

Get with me, religious right, we'll party.

cynopt

Other things I should add: James Earl Jones should provide the voice of God. Rock should not be in a Christian video game. Barbed wire was invented in the 1800's. I don't think that metal fences were used in the biblical era. Trains were in invented in the 1800s.

KM91

It's so bad it almost makes me feel ashamed to be a Christian.

KM91

APPROACHING SOUND BARRIER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dave Silva

@Samaridino: ditto

Hylian

They figured out a way to send drugs through the internet. Amazing.

shini

What in the hell did I just watch!? Crazy.

dead_red_eyes

did the pig run head on into the train? ;_;

ShikiMSHTS

I must say, on their web site they have the backstories for each of the characters.

It's gold, Jerry. GOLD.

tittergrrl

Holyshit! Horses out of cannons! Demonic club light rave dances?!

This game kicks ass! I want it!

I hear they are working on the sequel with better graphics, more brutal weapons, 100 player online and 8 player co-op!

RocketChump

wow..this game is so full of win. it has everything, pigs wearing tophats, animals being fired from cannons, breakdancing, missle launches....
wow...i think i will get 2 copies just in case.
LOL

ghostfacelz

I think I saw Rueben the Rhino drop a tab of ecstasy during that disco scene. And shame on Hannah the Horse riding hobo shotgun on that train to win the race. This game is morally bankrupt...

slav_9920

At first, I misread the title as "Christian Animal Crossing," and I imagined a game where you are a missionary walking door to door, converting your animal neighbors to Christianity. Oh, and Totake would be a member of a Christian rock band

That would be an awesome game.

Ninja-Z

The music added the final tuch this game needed ROFL This game looks sooo freaking ridiculusly FUN :D

Horse- ROCKET RIDE :P

Irenicus-the one and only

that was simply too awesome to be real. It is amazing to me though how poor of a race announcer God is.

high points for me had to be Danger: Hydrogen (as pointed out by several others), the dance party (was God spinning?), and Creature Races, I must find that book!

mouroutaru

Video games is one vehicle that Scientology may have a leg up in. Sorry Noah, so sorry.

D-Lish

What did i do to deserve this, Kotaku? why would you embed a youtube video so terrible on your site knowing i would be powerless to stop myself from watching? WHY????

Crawl_to_China

LOL the dude looked like he was reading noah's Ark with one hand. WTF?

but seriously i think that's funny that the Christian folks actually made something that offended me as a gamer.

But it's not the religion that scares me it's the people in it.

But i think the slayer song "Cult" explains it better than i can.

[www.youtube.com]

MURDERFACE

It's so bad i wanna play it lol

Pretty sure it's a joke though...

kwant

Dibbs on the atheist librarian chick!

sigma7

Best thing of all time.

peanutismint

Is it just me or did I see Santa in hell?

Player2

Hey, knock it if you must, but just look at these specs:

System Requirements:

Minimum: Pentium 4 - 1.6 GHz or higher - 512 MB RAM
Recommended: Pentium 4 - 2 GHz or higher - 1024 MB RAM - Pixel Shaders 2.0 or above
Windows 98/ME/2000/XP/VISTA
DirectX 9 or greater

Clearly, there's some serious tech behind this game. I suspect they liscensed the CryEngine.

As for the graphics themselves, it's obvious they have the most brilliant art director in years. This is the sort of experimental piece the industry has been needing to get itself taken seriously as a medium.

Smokeblue

Best transition evar:
"Hey, do you think Noah had animal races?"

Damn, we have this shitty game and need a Biblical fiction to apply to it! Other possibilities:

"Hey, do you think the book of Revelations actually took place in the future, and Satan is actually an alien species?"

"Hey, do you think that Moses led the jews out of Egypt on Kawasaki Motorcycles?"

"Hey, do you think that God and the devil played a round of DDR to decide the fate of Job?"

StealthBear

Should be renamed "4 Animals, 1 Cup."

g0daemon

People people! Play the game before judging!

Noted problems:
- Jittery animation
- POOOR control and camera
- Graphical nuances detract from the overall game
- Inane story... but then again this can go both ways

Problems other people would consider:
- sad ass graphics (Just cuz a game looks bad doesnt mean it is bad :P)

Saving traits:
- Plays music throughout
- Creative tracks
- Creative take on racing
- Charming style... (at the end of every race you get full out music and disco dancing!)
- The announcer is GOD! O_o you shall obey!

Overall the game doesn't really deserve much. But do play through it for fun at least. Fortunately this sort of game will actually hold people's attention say for the first 1-3 races? Then it'll be decided on how bent you are going through the game or wanting to explore all the content (which I should tell you, yet again, IS CHARMING).

If I were to rate this versus all the multitude of games I've played. It'll beat the pants off at least half of them simply because there are games that are just crap, have only one saving factor (usually stunning 3d graphics -- as are with many current gen games), or is too redundant!

@Meldy:
NOoope. The cutscene isn't even there! The intro is nicely sectioned off in a button called "The Story"

@Sugoi:
played and working fiiine

@Bokusatsu_Tenshi:
Easily amused are we :D?

pyropetey

it sounds like Napoleon Dynamite did the annoucements....on slow-mo.

"anna the horse...congragulations (echo echo)

Datalock

I lol'd my pants

_Argyle_

@Smokeblue: Thats what scares me, everyone keeps saying its a joke, but with specs like that, I don't think so.

Ashkihyena

Your comments are exactly the type of violence that the world showed Jesus before they nailed him to a cross--unrelenting for no purpose other than wrath. You've jeered like a mob at a man who worked for a year to make a game for his children.

JeTSpice

Those are some tiny animals right there, I also didn't know there were rhino ponies.

jaczor

Why did the woman in red turn into a pig with a top hat?

EmeraldDragon

I think Reuben is modeled after JT.

xtimrs

"You need to get a brain, Reuben."

I also love his expression when he says "Yes Hannah?"

Mink_Car

Noah had a bitchin' dance club!

scumm_boy

I love the depressed announcer. "Cheer up little guy, the race is almost over!"

Solaris79

speaking of horrible acting, this is related:
[www.youtube.com]
Oh, look at those low rates!

Akin

@sigma7:

Dibbs on her once she turns into a horse

BigMoose

WOW.

This is awful.

Why can't ANYONE make a decent Christian game? The talent's out there... and yet we get stuff like this.

I'm gonna have to do something about this.

TalKeaton

Well there's 3 minutes of my life that i'll never get back again. I couldn't bear to sit through the whole thing.

Just goes to prove that religion fucks everything up, even computer games.

NotZed

haha i love the clip from 1:40 to 1:50 where his arm drifts slowly across his body

killerrobosaurus

I gotta say that watching this reminded me *exactly* of the crappy acting, writing and general low quality of the "story" bits of porno movies.

Forget about the military-industrial complex, this game proves the existance of the religion-porno complex.

hurtle

Wow! That horse can DANCE!

MrLister

Award Winning 3D Game? what the heck? What awards would this win?

Wolfkin

Man...this would've been GREAT as a mod for Jedi Knight II. I would've downloaded it in a flash.

Sheogorath

Seriously, I think this looks WAY better than that M&M Kart Racing game.

Sign me up!

j13

Wow I just finished play the demo and found you can bunnyhop like nobody's business. It's fast enough that using the cougar you can take about a 50+ second break when you get to the last area with Noah before you see any other animals.

Serreah

This is so funny. Jesus, I can't imagine anything this bad being so good!

Archem

If this is a joke, it's both funny and well executed. If not... then god help us all!

kennyd1

@Moose: And the others are purley from people (ahem the developers) voting on sites.
Jeez this is halarious and terrible at the same time

muscrat_01

On what Reuben is doing behind the desk, Randall, one of the developers, said:

"I don't know, use your imagination. :-) Maybe he was trying to get Hannah's attention? Haha! :-)"

I think that just made it twice as disturbing...

BigMoose

@minasodaboy:

ohhhhhhhhhhh. ok. if you watch noah's animal adventure ([www.youtube.com]) you would see that the deer needed his 'favorite' cowboy hat to keep his head warm. so obviously the pig needed the top hat to keep his bacon crispy.

also, noah brings a sheep a soccer ball. in stonehenge. so he'll go to the ark. i'm not kidding.

minasodaboy

I hear Uwe Boll just signed for the movie adaptation.

Exx0dus

LMAO at anyone who thinks this is a serious attempt to make a good game. Although, if you factor in comedy, it's pretty f'ing solid. This seems like the sort of game Tim & Eric would make. It is both phenomenal and disturbing.

There's a certain creepiness to the old-school graphics in the "hell" segments of the race. Several parts gave me late night "Rise of the Triad" flashbacks.

I'm definitely going to have nightmares tonight.

waitinthecar

Did you anyone else actually look at their "awards"? Two of them are for it not being filled with spyware haha

Moose

I don't think that's what a rhino sounds like.

aslum

ROFLCOPTER
Humanity never ceases to amaze me.

Bokusatsu_Tenshi

Deeeesco dancing!

mindinrewind

That's about the worst game I've seen since Crazy Frog Racer.

Oyn

I like how Noah 'played' with the animals... and um at about 2;40 wtf did he pee in the library after he 'races her??

otakufaith

The game costs $17.77

The soundtrack costs $7.77

Oh the wit

BigMoose

I played Captain Bible in the Dome of Darkness, and I liked it.

What now, yo? WHAT NOW.

Maldron

I find it unbelievable that anyone could try and sell something this horrible. Even Bibleman, horrible as it was, was light years ahead of this...this... ABOMINATION!

I'd try the demo, but I'm scared it might make my computer commit suicide.

Sugoi

Did I just Stroke off there for a minute, or did my candy have an LSD core?

I feel like i was visually raped by earthworm Jim.

ReductiveNut

Wow, this is a close tie to animal soccer world here.

[www.youtube.com]

Cameroo

lol... hahahahaha... this made my day. Seriously. I think that this game wins the "Worst Game of 2008" award and we're not even a month in.

Superman

Oh God, the music even is hilarious. The singer sounds like Gob from Arrested Development.

Fangeh

@TOTOENGIMA:

Man, it's good to know I wasn't the only one that lol'd at "Danger: Hydrogen"

rateoforange

Fucking hell...
"Do you think Noah raced the animals and had fun with the animals after the flood?"
"Yeah, he raced the unicorns with the cheetahs - didn't make that mistake twice!"

"Race me Hanna! Race me!"

And what's the betting this is an unskippable cut scenebefore every single race?

Meldy

Wow the animation is absolutely horrid. I've seen much better low budget stop motion claymation better then this.

strix

You need to get a brain, Ruben.

Scooter

@HikariOblivion:
3D Movie Maker is Pixar compared to that stuff...

BigMoose

@thepolyamerouscoz:
I think only God can save you now.

Wait...

Damnit, you're screwed.

BigMoose

Powered by 3D Movie Maker?

HikariOblivion

Oh my God, that was bad, the way the guy moved at the beginning, and animation, just, everything about this is bad, bad, bad, BAD!!

The rhino sound, and the fact that they're all the same size, yikes.

Ashkihyena

I want to claw my face off now.

sanyo

That is quite possibly one of the funniest things i have watched in ages.

muscrat_01

and in my suicide note... the url to this video...

coop510

this video needed to be shortened to around 30secs and ended with gieant letters reading "DONT DO DRUGS!!!!"

VenoMuS

@DarkFalzX: I see what you did there. You used the word "mythology" in reference to Christianity. Not cool. But you're entitled to what you think.

There used to be a pretty sweet game called Exodus for the NES that was Christian themed. I'm pretty sure it was a re-skinned clone of a lode-runner type game, but I remember sinking plenty of hours into it when I was a little kid.

Maybe someday we'll get a good game that explores faith or religion without being a "Bible Adventures" type game. But imagine the controversy. It's the reason why the friggin' hospitals in the USA version of EarthBound had the "+" sign removed because it resembled a cross (even though it was just a regular hospital sign) and NOA thought that something that resembled a cross might offend someone.

Nate128

EVERYONE should download the trial. When you beat the trial level, NOAH is there and there's FIREWORKS and FLAGS! It was very disappointing that the trial didn't have the cannon though, instead the equivalent was crashing through some stained glass maze to be flung into an underground cavern.

Schmeg Peg

WTF did I just watch?
This seems like one of those games that they intentionally make so bad just to gain word of mouth and occult novelty.

VishusBurn

I sit here, alone in the dark with my face lit by a lonely monitor that sits before me. For the first time since I've had this monitor, I thought I had opened the gates of hell through this monitor.
My pants are wet with fear, my shirt is soaked in sweat, and my heart is racing at the chaos I have witnessed within 8 minutes.
I am now scared for my life, I know that menacing rhino will return, for he did not finish the race....and he wants my soul for it!!!!
~*Shudders in fear*~

thepolyamerouscoz

HahAhahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

The way the horse moves!

And then the cannons!

And then the disco being chaperoned by an inanimate Noah!

phinehas

Finally, a game that can break me of my WoW addiction! I've been waiting for something as deep and innovative as this game to come along!

Invest in this company now, while you can! It's going to go through the roof!

baberg

It really is a shame all these Christian games are so bad.

thinkfreemind

This is the reason God created youtube.com

Pornosaur

Did they race in hell? (Or to be precise a really shitty copy of circle of death/bloodfall maps from Doom II)

zoesch

@legacyed: It's real. Go to the website and click Download on the left side! HAHAHA it just finished downloading for me, I can't wait to throw up!

Schmeg Peg

This just proves that religion influences bad games. This is as bad as the Bibleman GBA-ish game that we saw a few months ago. Like come on guys, make a Jesus RPG where he like has a battle to the death with satan.

As for this, wow. Just wow. I never thought of anything like this. The only good part is with the Horse Cannon/Rockets. I swear you'll never see that in any other game.

SanjiX

Hmm, they should put Sonic in this. Then it will sell like crazy.

EightBit

@SkutSkut: I thought that moment alone put crysis's physics to shame

Samaridino

@Samaridino: lol that elephant hitting the tree was awesome

SkutSkut

WHOA

WHAT

WHAT

WHAT

WHAT

THE

THE

THE

THE

FUCK?

FUCK?

FUCK?

FUCK?

sorry.. glitches..

-HeyWowItsFelipe-

HER FACE, HER FACE!!! Garr my eyes.

Morberis

this is NOT real. it looks like a shitty video someone made in second life.

legacyed

omg..i couldnt get through the first min of this video

BOMxAgonyxScenex

Oh my god... It just gets more and more screwed up as it goes on. It was hilarious at first with the horrid dialog, acting, and animation, but then it just moves to another level when god starts talking and the music kicks in. XD

This is probably the strangest video I've ever seen posted on Kotaku... and there have been some other crazy ones. Thanks, Brian! This is amazing. ^^

slacker164

So does anyone plan on trying the demo?

Serreah

BAHAHAHA!!
Everything about this is HILARIOUS!

DemolitionDebbie

@Sabre_Justice: Cause not even furries are this bad.....

Seriously, it looks like they just moded second life and tried to sell it.

huginn

Can this be real? *Wafts away purple haze* UGH the video is still there! Damn you all!

jiSh

@fyren: The soundtrack is already on its way

BigMoose

My eyes they burn at the horror that is this game! I'm pretty sure its the devil's work. Plus I want whatever drugs the people who think this is "fun" are taking, on second thought, I don't.

deathsyth8888

Uggghhh.. why can't there EVER be a good christianity-based game? I mean, the mythology is all there, and not any worse than Greek, Roman or Norse.
Take for example the battle of Jericho. Make the art style something like Prince of Persia meets Panzer Dragoon meets H.R. Geiger, and make it the darkest, bloodiest, most vile and twisted beat-em-up ever! FTW!

DarkFalzX

...

I... I don't know what to say...

Maybe they can follow up with a Grand Canyon-themed brawler.

brandechh

I just love how the store sells it in what look like recycled jewel cases with $50-printer printed labels. Plus, well. You can buy the SOUNDTRACK.

That's just....wow. Uh.

Achenar

wow this is GOD awful... LOL

2th

Hey at least the horse can turn faster than the one in Oblivion.

Gouki4u

well i got the demo... minimized it's displaying the name of the program used to make this lol ...
3D game studio
then again its the A6 engine!

not that that matters o_O though the trees graphically remind me of the old school 3d games ahh those were the days

pyropetey

ROFL
Danger: Hydrogen

TOTOENGIMA

That CANNON ROCKED!!

xpnet

Horses on rockets?

Sign me up!

BigMoose

[www.youtube.com]

Noah's Adventures from the same folks....Oh god..they are fighting again

Samaridino

I think it's pretty obviously a joke, seeing as how the librarian tells the dude that reading a dictionary would be more interesting than the Bible.

Doomstink

omg wtf is this!!!
had to of come out a while ago maybe 95-96..
this is soo bad in like a good way!
thx for sharing!!
i just posted this vid on some of my buddies myspace
hahha

xtraman

@seefresh: Why?

InsidiousTuna (XBL and PSN)

I forgot to say: the moment at 2:37 is incredibly disturbing. Nightmares.

bysty

That is one of the best things I've seen in my life! When is the Wii/PS3/XB360 version coming out?

GoKeithGo

that was frikkin trippy. i wanna see a high person watch this.

Rengenki

Wow, hands down, the best rhinoceros sounds effect ever..

mingthemagnificent

Wow. Just... wow.

I want.

bysty