Oh, I'd also like to see him do No More Heroes... It's super insultable, but anti-insultable at the same time XD

zerbrechen

As a Resident Evil fan who has yet to even get the the chance to play this, I can safely say that I couldn't care less what Croshaw says about the game. I just listen to his reviews for amusement now. He always misses the major good or bad points about games. It's like he just watches someone else play the games every now and then, and just comes up with a review. That's exactly what it looks like to me.

Green-clad Gamer Dude

Jesus, I haven't laughed this hard in a while. However, I would like to point out that the RE story is complex enough that it does need reiteration. And a handy annotated guide. And perhaps Cliff Notes. And maybe just a complete reboot with an entirely new staff of competent writers.

Mind you, I'm not equating complexity with quality; in fact, one of the reasons why the story is so awful (in addition to the numerous flaws Yahtzee points out so eloquently) is because the writers keep on reaching ever further to try and tie a very silly story into a somewhat coherent whole. While their efforts are noble (bordering on insane genius, as in "I can't believe they have the huevos to actually believe that we're going to seriously buy this shit"), they still amount to nothing more than huge piles of shit stacked on top of one another in ever more intricate and completely incomprehensible patterns, like a fractal of pure suck. So here is my open letter to Capcom:

Dear Capcom: you know your franchise is gold and will sell no matter what. It'll only be in your best interest to just throw up your hands, say "fuck it", and just reboot the goddamn plot--with decent writers this time, please. We'll come back for more, we swear.

Love, the Internet

JustThisGuy

LOL @ mmm hooker

randomizer9

I think this is a horrible game. I'm pretty bummed I don't like it that much.

They should have done what EA did with Medal of Honor: Heros 2, as in the game has an on rails mode like UC in addition to the normal FPS mode.

That would have sent this game from a 3 out of 10 Zombies up to an 8 out of 10 Zombies IMHO.

Capcom could always make up by remaking 2 for the Wii with controls like 4. That'd be cool with me. :)

sadkermit

CoD4 review hmm this may help me buy or not buy the game i await next weeks installment.

GUNDAM-RX-78-2

@TheBigSmoke: Or he's right.
Shh... I said nooothiiiinnggg...

Erwin

@Strangelove: It's a JOKE! JOKE! JOKE! JOKE!
I think he's just kidding you about loving "The part about Capcom wanking off in your face." In essence: A gay joke about you liking a gay joke.

Erwin

@Strangelove:

Re: Comradestalin's post

Watch the video again and keep his post in mind.
:-)

TheBigSmoke

I'm not enamored with Zero Punc's reviews. RE:UC is a great "light gun" game. It's fun, fast, and like he bitched about, pretty difficult at points. You play more, you start shootin' like a gunslinger - that's the satisfying part of light gun games.

Since I could never stand the slow pace of the Resident Evil games, but always wanted to see the interesting monsters, this game is perfect for me.

You can also play it with a friend sitting "shotgun" in coop mode.

medeasin

He actually plays the games before he reviews them. He's like Matt Casamassina. But funny.

Both great reviewers. Gosh I love this industry.

blacksamurai87

@comradestalin:

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

Strangelove

Yeah, although I haven't hated any of his reviews, this one's the best in a long, long time. He gave the game its props... and summarily destroyed it.
XD

zerbrechen

Crazy. He's always hilarious, but this week, he managed to be the funniest he's ever been.

Kirbytheslayer: Grammar Communist. Not a Nazi

woah woah woah i find it hard to believe this blowhard didn't like suburban commando

Kadugen

@balls187:

same here, I thought it was hilarious. At the very least I hope he experiments with more little asides like the Painkiller bit and such.

Cell9song

My favorite was the very last line... "and Valve employees." Lol, funny 'cause it's uber true.

Spiffyness

lol captain planet villians. well, in their defense, looten plunder would poach animals and sell thier body parts (elephant tusks, furs, etc) so, i guess he was one of the somewhat sane villians

bigman88zz

LOL...the EA strategy.

jun581

The thrown wii remotes thing is true I've experienced controller rage and a young woman almost died because of it damned kittens and their -1 pee

moklomi

Best Part: "All right I'll do a Call of Duty 4 review" at the end.

Seems a lot of people pestered him about it! :D

ProjectThanatos

OMG BEST PART WAS THE LAST FRAME..."Alright I'll do COD4 if you shut up twatblankets"

Seiven

I still go to an occasional arcade to play House of the Dead with my gf. If you find that entertaining (like I do), then I think you'll find RE:UC to be a much deeper and very enjoyable extension of the genre.

ironhive

Funnily enough i picked up this today, the only reason I'm online checking kotaku and not struggling to get headshots is because (as Yahtzee wouldn't know) Playing it with the wii zapper makes my wrists ache like a good un!

Excellent use of "JIll Sandwich" Well done sir, well done.

ManiacFive

"A 9 year old boy, a brick shit house and Carlos"

Haha... I say this game is worth a rental or a borrow, but not a buy. Yahtzee does it again!

Trowble (XBL/PSN)

Haha that was great.

Witzbold

Yeah, Resident Evil isn't a prime candidate to win a Pulitzer or Akutagawa Prize for literary achievements in terms of script writing, but I love it's absurd dialogue all the same.

"...helping themselves to a Jill sandwich". Even if he knocks the game, he's knowledgeable about his RE, and still funny as hell; even if I disagree with some of his comments.

KeroseneClimax

whoooooooo! CoD4 next week. I suspect a so-so review coming up.

DigiMish

[www.escapistmagazine.com]
will always be my favorite zero punctuation publication X3

LordChris915

Quite entertaining, makes a nice change.

Anthropomancer

Yahtzee has never once failed to make me laugh.

necrotoxin

Seriously, the Loyd Grossman / throat cancer think made me choke on my Doctor Pepper.

Genius.

Meldy

@Shiryu: Haha, yes! I laughed inappropriately loud at that comment. Yahtzee is the man.

Grave

@The Konamunist: This has nothing to do with the topic at hand, but your name/avatar combination is win of the highest proportions. If I could construct a leaning tower of win you'd be the keystone of the highest arches atop it.

On the topic at hand (C wut I did thar?), I've not got much to say about this, looking forward to CoD4: I hope he compares it unfavourably to Crysis

Unastheslayer-PSN

I have to rent this now. I'm a fan of rail-shooters, but this entry's break from form kept me away. I like difficult games, so if Mr. Croshaw is correct, then this could be up my alley.

dhurken7

My friends were acting like this game was god, when I was standing there thinking to myself" what the fuck". Now someone has revealed the truth

fragdurarsh

@vanderblade: Croshaw doesn't play games "long enough to unlock" things. He sees it as a sign of bad game design; if the game isn't fun to start, why are they holding back anything?

Which makes an excellent point. Imagine playing a FPS without a gun for the first two hours, until finally you unlock one. It's an extreme example, but...

Personally, I love Croshaw's reviews not because they are hilarious, but because he tends to play games the same way I do - play for three hours or until it becomes unenjoyable to play (whichever is longer) and then pass judgement. He expresses a lot of what I feel playing these games.

Tonx

@Roadkill: 'He's just creating a world filled with orcs, and we all know how lame they are when not in battle.'

Yes! All they do is jump around bank roofs and dance on top of mail boxes all day

hamandcheeseUK

To me he always hit the nail on the head when it comes to his "reviews"

plus the whole part IM A RITER is gold

zeroltl

lol, great as always.

IM A RITER

Norellicus

i love the game, and the difficult is just like the pardy yahtzee did lol, maybe i like it so much because i loved the days i went to trow a boatload of coins on a railshooters, now i just push a button :)...

tocatl

Always funny, a shame I couldn't relate to it. I've only played it for 30 minutes or so.

brello

He is right on hahaha. What bothers me the most of this game is the long ass check points, lol.

valhum

Why does everyone always think that Yahtzee reviews games? He doesn't! He's a damn comedian, for God's sake.

Ashurahori

Sweet Captain Planet reference. Not as funny as some of his others but still gotta love it.

cyberg4

Johnny Bravo! Priceless as usual, Ben Croshaw.

Shiryu

An excellent review but rail shooters aren't any more outdated than racers or first person shooters.

frankstallone

I didnt much care for the review but the pictures and the video itself was funnier than usual.

Ra_on_the_Moon

I love RE:UC. It is a solid 7, and by no means a surrogate for the series proper, but it still provides oodles (yes, I used the word oodles) of RE fan service and, provided you have a buddy to share the gross-fest with, it also provides a lovely drink-beer-until-you-pass-out-with-the-wiimote-on-your-lap gameplay experience . . . for awhile.

Also, I think yahtzee didn't play long enough to unlock the items that cement the game as a fun romp any time of day, the things that make whatever difficulty he's referring to - I didn't notice it - null and void.

vanderblade

Capitan Planet villains were awesome.

Zero Punctuation...'eh...not so much.
It just doesn't do anything for me.

Mr. Fap☆Fap!

@crim: Hahha, that was the part that had me laughing the most.

brent_w

@SilentPredator:

I agree,

I also have the game and enjoy it quite a bit. (with my PerfectShots)

But it is unforgivingly difficult, and is very much a cliffnotes of a story that was already a bit thin.

But then, maybe thats why I love it so much ...

Not everything needs to be taken so damn seriously. ;-D

brent_w

Dead on.

fyren

Yahtzee rules. 'nuff said.

Barts

Fucking hilarious. I do enjoy RE:UC tho ... I think it's really fun.

dead_red_eyes

@fuchikoma:
yeah, i have it too. yahtzee's right, but it's fun.

willyolio

Best part was the seven point plan for evil business. I'd invest.

crim

Bonus points for saying "Jill Sandwich." Perhaps the greatest term ever mentioned in a game... ever.

BPM5: Protoman's Trap?!

@musicnoteless: and calls us twatblankets :P

el goose

hahaha Wesker does remind me of a more bad ass johnny bravo. Oh, Yahtzee your so clever.

el goose

I was looking forward to this game and waited for someone who bought a wii to get it... then I remembered I don't like the wii, and even this game couldn't change my mind. I would rather just play with a lightgun. I didn't have a zapper, so maybe that would have made it more fun, but w/ just the wiimote, it didn't control very well.

kingdavid73

i love it when he calls out how crappy narratives in video games are.

Xamot

Wow, that was awesome! This game was probably the most "unfun" I have had in years. I remember when my friend and I were playing it how we would toss a coin to see who would get the punishment of using the Wii Zapper for the next chapter.

Go Yahtzee!

The Konamunist

I've ALWAYS wondered why, in Captain Planet, the bad guys do what they do. I've basically said exactly what Yahtzee said many times before.

Same with Lord of the Rings. What the fuck does Sauron get out of ruling everything, anyways? He's just creating a world filled with orcs, and we all know how lame they are when not in battle.

Roadkill

Yes! CoD4 awesome!

scotty

If you look at the end credits, it says he'll do Call of Duty 4 next. :)

musicnoteless

Comedy Gold.

SPni

Nice, COD4 should be great

PlasmaMachine

@SilentPredator:
Ditto. His complaints are valid, but it's fun to play.

fuchikoma

Yahtzee = awesome. Another great review, keep them cumming.

ghnvt

@balls187: He said in his blog that bit was just some self-indulgence to to keep sane. I doubt it's a regular bit but we'll probably see it's like again. I thought it was pretty good as well, not sure what all the hate was about.

lowbar

As always, hilarious.

"IM A RITER"

ozzzy

Another good review from Yahtzee

DigitalHero

lmao... a prostitute, a 9 year old boy, and carlos. XD

Vidril

Cute but I didn't laugh out loud like I sometimes/usually do. Then again I haven't played the game so it takes the "haha, that's funny because it's true" laugh out of it all.

Tiger-Fever

I always find his reviews amusing and highly entertaining but this was his first that actually had me laughing out loud. Very well done.

Error

But the stupid voice acting is part of the CHARM of RE!XD ... seriously. :| I love it.

MaiAri

Poor Hulk Hogan, I will agree, the man can't act though.

Ashkihyena

@balls187: Then you should write to him so he can cull you from existence.

RPGr

Looks like all the Kotaku hate convinced him not to do another short. Sad too, because I liked it.

balls187

@Tonx: Haha, when I sent the tip to Kotaku to post the new Zero Punctuation that's exactly what i did for the subject line:

newzeropunctuationupnowreviewingresidentevilumbrellachronicles

In the actual message I put in spaces though just in case they didn't get the joke.

RPGr

@Surlaw-the-Mai: I thought the "I have a bad feeling" was hilarious when it appeared after she had already been bitten.

Aflack: Likes slushies

The moment I heard "rail shooter" was when I decided I didn't want to have anything to do with this game.

Aflack: Likes slushies

"I wonder where these webs all came from?"

Surlaw-the-Mai

Absolutely brilliant as always. The Captain Planet part was probably my favorite as well.

Hauler

Wilson, come on! If you're going to quote Croshaw, even paraphrase him, you can't quote him using punctuation! That's the entire point!

Tonx

@Strangelove: NO! NO! NO! NO!

comradestalin

As someone who owns RE:UC, I'd say that this is pretty spot-on in its criticisms. That doesn't stop the game from being a whole lot of fun.

SilentPredator

Funny, I just went to the Escapist like 5 minutes ago to watch this. The part about Capcom wanking off in your face is hilarious.

Strangelove

Wow his review was spot on. I played tried playing this on the office Wii but yeah, everything seems half baked. Hilarious review as usual, thats Zero Punctation for ya.

Shijirou

@AntiZERO: why because you saw the zero punctuation review and had to agree with everything he says. any game can be bad if you try hard enough

linkthy

funny review, best since a long time, im glad he liked umbrella chronicles, but i have similar feelings towards the story it wasnt even remotely good until re4. nobody will remember this game in 10 years. didn't yahtzee criticize mario galaxy for having to hold his arm up? he must have been lifting weights since last time

linkthy

here is hoping for a update to Mad Dog McCree. Long live rail shooters.

TheTog

@Green-clad Gamer Dude: Well, it's entertainment.. Also, I wish more reviewers were as critical (or close) as I'm tired of crap getting positive reviews.

NotSoCool

@scotty: I'm sure he'll hate it

Rockwallaby

@Green-clad Gamer Dude: He's stated that he generally spends a day or two playing a game before writing the review. That may be enough time to complete Orange Box, but it barely scratches the surface of The Witcher. Although, the title of his Witcher review did say it's just "first impressions."

godot

Someone should send Croshaw a Zapper (keep the Crossbow Trainer) and a Nyko Perfect Shot to review after he has another "short" game review (see the Heavenly Sword"s" review and The Witcher review). That, and a copy of Metroid Corruption (I guess with a Moded Wii...) never mind.

Oh, and to Green-clad Gamer Dude, it is mentioned on the Escapist Website that Croshaw needs the entire week to write up/stop-motion the review. Which is split to a few days playing, a couple writing and a few more days animating and rewriting. Generally he'll play the game through in a few days or spent "enough" time with the game to get a good sense of where it's going. (Also, in his review of Halo 3, he didn't bother playing the online mode cause he doesn't do that sort of stuff, but you don't hear me complaining)

Oh, and I played Mario Galaxy, and around getting 80 stars (I got a total 117), I realized that this wasn't the game I hoped to play and I would NEVER play this again, so I returned it and was offered get this, $17! (I eventually got $25 for it, FYI a month after launch)

:(

AntiZERO

@Green-clad Gamer Dude:

I disagree that you have to beat every aspect of a game before reviewing it. Imagine trying to do that for Oblivion or Morrowind. He's obviously not a standard reviewer, and he's given the reaction to his experience. I don't beat every game I buy (most, though), and I'd still feel more than comfortable submitting a review for them. Hell, I've never even played through the campaign modes for RTSs because I like playing MP and skirmish modes too much.

But I think you have to take everything with a grain of salt, because just praising a game isn't that funny (with the exception of his Portal review).

Strangelove

@Kirbytheslayer: Has an Update button now!: He said he never finished Zelda Phantom Hourglass yet he still did a review on it. And he only bothered to get 60 out of 120 stars to beat Super Mario Galaxy before doing a very flawed review on it for that obvious reason.

I know he definetly plays all these games, it just seems like he doesn't sometimes. Another thing that might have to do with it, is that perhaps he must sometimes sacrifice giving a true game review in order to keep it comedic and unique.

Green-clad Gamer Dude

Probably the best so far. I couldn't stop laughing at shit like the Johnny Bravo reference and the wanking thing. Pure comedy gold.

Nayl

Am I really the first one to comment on the part about "The EA strategy?"

Karlott

@Kirbytheslayer: Has an Update button now!: Dude, you forgot the part about the drop bears.

JustThisGuy

What's wrong with the rail shooter?

Capcom tried to remove the rails in Survivor and Dead Aim, but people weren't buying it, and so the rails came back on. Now they get accused of using an old-fashioned gameplay mechanic. Cut them a break, people!

boopadoo

@Green-clad Gamer Dude: He's too busy playing Thief 2.

And he definitely plays them. He outright stated before(on FR and in ZP), that he will not review something unless he's completed it.

@JustThisGuy: Here, I'll summarize the plot.

John Umbrella is an ordinary man. But one day, he gets hit by a radioactive truck, killing him instantly. But, the radioactivity brought him back to life, improved. This imbues him with super powers and immortality.
Inspired by what he considered diving inspiration, he manipulated Dot-Com investors to start up his company, the Umbrella Corporation, named after him.
His goal? Create a formula that duplicates the effects of his powers. Unfortunately, he couldn't find anybody in the science community to try and develop it. Or anybody in the general public stupid enough to try and use it.
So he had to turn to Dot-Com investors again. He hired them, with their own money, to create the formula, and test it on other Dot-Commers.
By some staggering miracle of luck, they managed to create an actual formula. Unfortunately, all it did was the "bring them back" part. It didn't improve them. Because they kept the formula in a jar, and one of the scientists mistook it for a jar of marmalade, the formula infected a living person. They discovered it turned people into Zombies.
To try and get rid of it, they threw half of the formula, one 20,000 gallon vat, into giant fan blades to destroy it. Obviously, it just turned the stuff into a delicious poison gas.
The result? Almost everybody in Raccoon City turned into a Zombie, except for some virus-resistant people. Who were all coincidentally cops. So...They all escape from the city.
And for escaping, one of them is rewarded by being offered a Job as a secret service agent.
Another one goes to Africa to help people. He's accused of being racist, and ends up in a battle with political correctness Nazi's for his life.
The other two become lingerie models.

And there you have it, the Plots of Resident Evil 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5.

Kirbytheslayer: Has an Update button now!

@TheBigSmoke: @Erwin:

Who I like wanking off in my face is my business, haha.

Strangelove

@Sabre_Justice: I don't know, really. A story popped into my head.

RE: I know I only visit fullyramblomatic.com for Yathzee.

Kirbytheslayer: Has an Update button now!

And I like Yahtzee not only for his sense of humour, but his brutal honesty yet also truly loving games. He will stamp poor games into the ground, and point out the flaws of games everyone else loves. It's the definition of what a review is supposed to do.

Sabre_Justice

@Kirbytheslayer: Has an Update button now!: ...what?

Does anyone visit The Escapist for any reason besides Zero Punctuation? I mean seriously.

Sabre_Justice

Dang, I think I have a man-crush for Ben Croshaw.

Mega-Driven

Mentioning Loyd Grossman is way too much of an in-joke.

Kai_

@Sabre_Justice: Yep, and you know he doesn't REALLY hate most of the games he rags on. Well, I mean he hates the BAD ones, but you can tell that he still enjoys many of the games he calls "mediocre." He just takes it upon himself to hold game producers to a higher standard than your average reviewer, and HOPEFULLY the creators may actually take his advice.

That said, his blatant dislike of on-rails shooters shows that he's never played Panzer Dragoon, so his opinion isn't ENTIRELY valid. :P

Spiffyness

BTW, plot holes the size of whose rectum , I didn't catch that?

Barts

A. Yahtzee owns all.
B. CoD4 REVIEW INC!

unmarkedone

Oh sweet Buddha in a blanket, the fallout from the COD4 review next week is going to be truly epic. I predict one of two things will happen:

1. Yatzee will ignore the multiplayer component almost entirely (Halo 3) and produce a most depressing and hilarious rant about the singleplayer campaign's enemy encounters involving the words: AI, Non-existent, infinite, respawns, grenades, rockets, up, your, and arse. The internet will weep and then explode.

OR

2. Yatzee will actually play the multiplayer and produce a most depressing and hilarious rant containing the words: AI, Non-existent, Matchmaking, Non-existent, infinite, respawns, grenades, airstrikes, rockets, up, your, arse, same, attachment, every, and weapon . The internet will assplode with rage and destroy Yatzee to hide the truth of their shameful obsession. An X-File will be the only remaining record of his presence on this planet.

Horsefly

@Spiffyness: I wouldn't say he has a "blatant dislike of on-rails shooters," but rather that it's a genre that's been largely superseded.

You mentioned Panzer Dragoon, which is a good example of that for two reasons: 1. Panzer Dragoon 2 is a better game than Umbrella Chronicles, and 2. The best ever Panzer Dragoon game (Saga) wasn't even an on-rails shooter.

V1L3

Some of the imagery he conjures up is generally stuff you don't want to linger for too long.

sauvage

How often do you hear a Johnny Bravo reverence.

Oceanbones

@vanderblade: "Also, I think yahtzee didn't play long enough to unlock the items that cement the game as a fun romp any time of day, the things that make whatever difficulty he's referring to - I didn't notice it - null and void."

That whole excuse that you didn't play the game long enough to enjoy it means they game isn't enjoyable. Why should you have to suffer to get to the good bits? If movies did that they'd get panned as they should.

frankstallone

"Feels like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor the-ere"

Love it.

greyhoundbus

Dear Valve employees: Give me 20 new portal levels and I'll let ya wank it in my face, mmmk?

ChaoticLimbs

@Mega-Driven:
Next step: Look to see if there are job openings at Valve.

JoyOfJoys