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We Hope This Isn't The Scout's New Weapon
Posted by Michael McWhertor at 12:40 PM on August 12, 2008
Apparently the Team Fortress 2 class updates aren't coming hard and fast enough for some players — and our tipsters who inhabit portions of the internet we'd rather deny exist. Regardless of Valve's speediness in updating the weapons load-outs of characters like the Scout, we're not so sure this whole "whacking enemies with a giant black dildo" thing is going to catch on. Of course, in the event of a dildo, we'll deny ownership of TF2.
The so called "Thor Bat" (?) can be seen in NSFW action in the clip after the jump.
We're told the custom weapon comes in four colours — blue, red, yellow and "realistic." We'll leave that up to your imagination.
Thanks, CyborgMatt. Thanks a lot.
Comments (AU Comments · US Comments)
RganarokPwnage
Posted August 12, 2008 4:33 PM
Team Fortress 2: Now the favourite game of every 5th grader on Earth.
Suda51
Posted 1:15 PM 12/8/08
@Dave Silva: I'm suprised at the detail they went into, notice how the light reflects off of it dynamically and...lol penis.
Suda51
Dave Silva
Posted 1:14 PM 12/8/08
A Youtube vid of this thing in action:
+ Watch video
And uh, there IS a model download out there. Somewhere. I'm not saying where, but it's up on Rapidshare.
Dave Silva
mjpm
Posted 1:13 PM 12/8/08
I am so ashamed to know where the name Thor was derived from for that thing...
THOR...IT FLOPS FOR THEE!
mjpm
sandal-hat17
Posted 1:13 PM 12/8/08
@Fadakar: I would totally hit that hot pyro chick. Damn!
sandal-hat17
ThaiGrocer
Posted 1:09 PM 12/8/08
This would totally unbalance Scout class if this was an official update.
ThaiGrocer
DeusGear
Posted 1:08 PM 12/8/08
This was made by xcloudx of flamehaus.com and yea it's real.
DeusGear
The_Crotchinator
Posted 1:08 PM 12/8/08
Damn you internet, stop raping my mind.
The_Crotchinator
vasha
Posted 1:07 PM 12/8/08
It does the same damage. You think a Wang would do more damage.
vasha
ServiceMaster
Posted 1:05 PM 12/8/08
That is amazing and if I could use that, it would give me the greatest pleasure.
In game.
ServiceMaster
Wolfers
Posted 1:03 PM 12/8/08
Is it making horse noises when it crits? Lmao.
Wolfers
dadeisvenm
Posted 1:02 PM 12/8/08
'That reminds me of the time I was in a Turkish prison. Have you ever been in a Turkish prison Billy?'
dadeisvenm
NKato
Posted 1:01 PM 12/8/08
This is clearly a mod. >.>
NKato
Suda51
Posted 1:01 PM 12/8/08
@Soos: I would ask how you knew that, but I rather not know.
Suda51
MINIBOSS
Posted 1:00 PM 12/8/08
very funny lol
i would be pissed if i got killed like that
MINIBOSS
sarcasmOD
Posted 12:59 PM 12/8/08
@Soos: O_o Did you make it or are you just way way way too informed?
sarcasmOD
NeoXY
Posted 12:58 PM 12/8/08
I loled.
NeoXY
sarcasmOD
Posted 12:58 PM 12/8/08
@Suda51: Don't bet on that.
sarcasmOD
Soos
Posted 12:57 PM 12/8/08
It's called "Thor" after a to-scale dildo modeled after a horse penis sold on some furry sex-toys store.
Soos
DarkGildon
Posted 12:57 PM 12/8/08
Most realistic model I've ever seen in a game.
DarkGildon
CaptLtrl
Posted 12:57 PM 12/8/08
BAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA :D
Fantastic.
CaptLtrl
Shykin
Posted 12:57 PM 12/8/08
I can't believe someone sat around and wrote the physics for that... they changed the sound too...
Shykin
Suda51
Posted 12:56 PM 12/8/08
@sarcasmOD: But have you ever been dick slaped by a dick a small man who could jump twice was holding. I didn't think so ;)
Suda51
Capitalist_Bagel
Posted 12:55 PM 12/8/08
@coffeeguy: Or the pyro is a male clown with a purse.
Capitalist_Bagel
Bookburner
Posted 12:55 PM 12/8/08
Why is it always a giant black dildo? Why never a pale and freckled one? I'm sure there are plenty of women that fantasize about the stubby inch us Irishman offer in the bed.
Bookburner
TheNocturnalSun
Posted 12:55 PM 12/8/08
this is really great, cant believe a person came up with this on their own, genius
TheNocturnalSun
Lyrai
Posted 12:54 PM 12/8/08
"Thor Bat" comes from the fact that there's a site that sells a rather, ahem, large dildo, dubbed "Thor." The thing is huge, apparently cast from a horse's penis. And this is probably the only time I can talk about Horse Penis on Kotaku and be on-topic.
Lyrai
rickyyo
Posted 12:54 PM 12/8/08
Man that was some realistic dildo physics.... Better than them boob physics.
rickyyo
Fadakar
Posted 12:54 PM 12/8/08
@ChiliC: /waits for some smartass to come in and say pyro's a woman.
Fadakar
sarcasmOD
Posted 12:53 PM 12/8/08
@Suda51: Not really...you would be getting dick slapped by a dick. Pretty sure that's what it implies already.
sarcasmOD
MisterMcThursday
Posted 12:53 PM 12/8/08
if this is real I am buying the Orange Box next week.
MisterMcThursday
JP05
Posted 12:52 PM 12/8/08
Now if only they turned the red blood white...
JP05
Clarke
Posted 12:52 PM 12/8/08
The physics are just...
Clarke
CaptainConfuzion
Posted 12:51 PM 12/8/08
There's only one problem with this, no one else has the image data. You, and only you, can see all the scouts holding the dildo.
However, if you could make everyone else on the server download the file, then we could have some fun with this.
CaptainConfuzion
MrMister
Posted 12:50 PM 12/8/08
Woah. Did not see that coming! O_O
Lol pun.
MrMister
coffeeguy
Posted 12:50 PM 12/8/08
@ChiliC:
Pyro is a girl, you can see her purse in her locker, its got a daisy on it, next to her spare flame suit on Goldrush, the second Gold Rush level, I believe if you are defending, in the spawn point.
tasty%20crabcakes.">coffeeguy
deadjesterx
Posted 12:50 PM 12/8/08
...That was wrong on so many levels.
Defines the phrase "you've watched it, you can't un-watch it!"
No matter how hard you try.
deadjesterx
ForAllThatEverWas
Posted 12:49 PM 12/8/08
there's something about murdering a room full of men with a giant black dildo that makes me feel a little uncomfortable.
ForAllThatEverWas
Apocalypse15
Posted 12:49 PM 12/8/08
oh wow.
I hope this is real, would be totally ridiculous.
Apocalypse15
Shadonova
Posted 12:49 PM 12/8/08
That might be the greatest thing ive ever seen......
Shadonova
Nipz
Posted 12:48 PM 12/8/08
wow someone needs viagra for that giant floppy dick then he would be able to take down those spies a lot faster
Nipz
Suda51
Posted 12:48 PM 12/8/08
That would make for a lulzy weapon. Also it would bring a whole new meaning to the term "Dick Slapped"
Suda51
Mister_CrazyGuy
Posted 12:48 PM 12/8/08
Never under estimate the power of a rubber c*ck.
Mister_CrazyGuy
Adrock4
Posted 12:46 PM 12/8/08
holy shit that is hilarious
Adrock4
Treecubed
Posted 12:45 PM 12/8/08
It's so horrifying I can't look away.
Treecubed
Nekusagi
Posted 12:45 PM 12/8/08
....why?
Nekusagi
Strangelove
Posted 12:45 PM 12/8/08
That is so goddamned funny ... I love it when it goes 3rd-person so you can see the wang waggle. Hilarious.
Strangelove
strobefx
Posted 12:44 PM 12/8/08
IT LIVES! D:
strobefx
Emiat
Posted 12:44 PM 12/8/08
Why can't more games have a giant dildo as a melee weapon?
Loved how it waved around as the player moved though.
Emiat
Beyond-Infinity
Posted 12:44 PM 12/8/08
O_O Ouch
Beyond-Infinity
bigman88zz
Posted 12:44 PM 12/8/08
bonk indeed
bigman88zz
i_9
Posted 12:44 PM 12/8/08
Can it ...ca ..can it really be true?
i_9
Nickatiah
Posted 12:44 PM 12/8/08
Well that up there with some of the better mods I have seen.
Nickatiah
ChiliC
Posted 12:44 PM 12/8/08
The only thing that scares me more about a dildo weapon is that there are only men in this game :( *owwy*
ChiliC
Ruzi
Posted 12:43 PM 12/8/08
ಠ_ಠ
Ruzi
tooji
Posted 12:43 PM 12/8/08
ROF'LMAO
That is the funniest shit ever.
tooji
Karoshi
Posted 12:43 PM 12/8/08
No.
Just. . . no.
Karoshi
Firemane
Posted 12:43 PM 12/8/08
that's one floppy lamp
Firemane
Akira119
Posted 12:43 PM 12/8/08
Hehe, reminds of that once scene from Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels.
Akira119
bainelaker
Posted 1:41 PM 12/8/08
@Bookburner:
ah, beg'orra, me toora-loora laddie.. ah, I lost it.
this will be great to shut up the "Balls of Steel" crowd...
"Balls of Steel!"
"Dong of THOR!!!!"
bainelaker
minimelo321
Posted 1:39 PM 12/8/08
I love the Internet, and all who inhabit it. Even the ones who like dildos.
minimelo321
Hiatsu2k8
Posted 1:36 PM 12/8/08
I'm going to beat the crap out of you with my giant.... DILDO!!!!
Hiatsu2k8
SigmundTheSeaMonster
Posted 1:31 PM 12/8/08
TF: Blackpipe Layers #4
SigmundTheSeaMonster
race
Posted 1:28 PM 12/8/08
Always something about Valves games and dildos,
remember counterstrike's "custom" weapon skin.
race
Hoboman725
Posted 1:24 PM 12/8/08
bahaahaha!!!
That was amazing!! thank you Kotaku! hahaha
Hoboman725
AggroRhodes
Posted 1:24 PM 12/8/08
Yeah looks like a PC mod for TF2..Still pretty damn funny.
AggroRhodes
nolanvoid
Posted 1:23 PM 12/8/08
Nice Fight Club reference!
"It's airline policy not to imply ownership in the event of a dildo. Use the indefinite article.
A dildo.
Never YOUR dildo."
nolanvoid
jello44
Posted 1:22 PM 12/8/08
This just brings the "BONK" and "BOINK" to a whole 'nother level.
BOINK!
jello44
maraxusofk
Posted 1:22 PM 12/8/08
this made me lol extremely hard in more ways than 2
maraxusofk
kadaj_sama
Posted 1:21 PM 12/8/08
the demo man is highly offended by this.
kadaj_sama
neojam
Posted 1:19 PM 12/8/08
haha priceless!
neojam
animemecha
Posted 1:18 PM 12/8/08
another day, another disturbing thing that gives me another mental scar
animemecha
BossVersion1
Posted 2:01 PM 12/8/08
Eek! A penis!
BossVersion1
ShadowMoses
Posted 1:54 PM 12/8/08
Also one of the funniest.
ShadowMoses
ShadowMoses
Posted 1:53 PM 12/8/08
One of the finniest things I've seen all day.
ShadowMoses
Herabec
Posted 1:52 PM 12/8/08
Now just imagine if the blood was changed to white... Actually, don't imagine that. Really, it's a bad idea.
Herabec
kitsuneconundrum
Posted 1:51 PM 12/8/08
good use of the physics engine hahahaa
kitsuneconundrum
Frank
Posted 1:51 PM 12/8/08
"Sap THIS, motherf...oh wait...that was just wrong..."
Frank
Nawara_Ven
Posted 1:49 PM 12/8/08
But does it penetrate armour?
Nawara_Ven
Pezdispenser
Posted 1:48 PM 12/8/08
I'm beyond speechless at this point.
Pezdispenser
2NinjasTapedTogether
Posted 2:32 PM 12/8/08
Despite the fact that SOMEONE has surely made this joke already...
I hate how we console owners keep getting the shaft on these kinds of updates...
2NinjasTapedTogether
knifey-spoonie
Posted 2:31 PM 12/8/08
i giggled like a school girl.
knifey-spoonie
PsycheE
Posted 2:29 PM 12/8/08
Sweet physics, blows the new UT3-blob out the water.
PsycheE
PENI_MASTA
Posted 2:22 PM 12/8/08
Wow, he really pounded those spies with his dildo.
This is hilarious, but am I the only one disappointed that it doesn't have a "ballsy" base?
PENI_MASTA
huginn
Posted 2:19 PM 12/8/08
I was going to google search for the infamous "Thor Dildo"
But I don't think I want to inflict that kind of punishment on anyone
huginn
Zeuxis
Posted 2:17 PM 12/8/08
hahahahaha looooooooool awesome! it should get stiff when medic does power up :P
Zeuxis
SolInvictus
Posted 2:14 PM 12/8/08
BONK!
SolInvictus
greenbunny45
Posted 2:11 PM 12/8/08
We're told the custom weapon comes in four colors - blue, red, yellow and "realistic."
rofl, that's hilarious
greenbunny45
zanzibarlegend
Posted 2:11 PM 12/8/08
now guys please, stop dicking around...
heh :D
zanzibarlegend
Mike918
Posted 2:11 PM 12/8/08
Well i guess it's the most powerful weapon in the game...when it works of course.
Mike918
rimaa
Posted 2:09 PM 12/8/08
ahhhh my eyes
rimaa
Tigerfog
Posted 2:56 PM 12/8/08
I wonder if the game will go "M" for mature because of this?
Tigerfog
Xenigma
Posted 2:52 PM 12/8/08
That's one of the strangest videos I've seen this week.
Xenigma
digamma
Posted 2:46 PM 12/8/08
I love it when lots of work is put into a mod.
digamma
TheLAG
Posted 2:45 PM 12/8/08
:0
TheLAG
carsonpwns
Posted 2:40 PM 12/8/08
Great, now whenever I play scout, i'll remember this video and type kill in my console.
carsonpwns
demonknightinuyasha
Posted 2:35 PM 12/8/08
there's no way that's real but definitely worth a good laugh.
demonknightinuyasha
Murmaider
Posted 2:33 PM 12/8/08
@huginn: That's okay, I went ahead and did it. It's a giant rubber horse wang.
...I feel dirty.
Murmaider
Mascott
Posted 3:21 PM 12/8/08
Does the fact that the physics seem so extremely accurate on that thing scare anyone else? I mean, the research that must have gone into that. The very idea of the hundreds of massive rubber penises that must populate that mod maker's home is overwhelming.
Mascott
jfm3
Posted 3:18 PM 12/8/08
Awesome. The subtle horse sounds in the background make it all that much more disturbing.
jfm3
Bauske
Posted 3:15 PM 12/8/08
I can't believe I laughed so hard at that.
Bauske
jello44
Posted 3:13 PM 12/8/08
@Tigerfog:
It already is rated M.
jello44
belo
Posted 3:12 PM 12/8/08
Whats wacky is that somebody actually spent a couple hours rendering a giant rubber penis to put into TF2.
belo
Cyborgmatt
Posted 3:10 PM 12/8/08
Haha. The weapon model was created by xcloudx, you can download it here: [flamehaus.com]
Cyborgmatt
dead_red_eyes
Posted 3:41 PM 12/8/08
Oh my.
dead_red_eyes
Handbanana37
Posted 3:33 PM 12/8/08
I hope that this IS the new Weapon
Handbanana37
TheBakachan
Posted 3:30 PM 12/8/08
'Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels' reference?
"Harry didn't think that he did a very good job, so he grabbed the nearest thing to hand, which just so happened to be a 15 inch black rubber cock, and proceeded to beat poor old Smithy to death with. And that was seen as a nice way to go. Now, that, is why you pay Hatchet Harry, when you owe."
TheBakachan
spartan152
Posted 3:54 PM 12/8/08
well of course in the case of a dildo you refer it as "a dildo," and not "your dildo"
nice fight club reference guys
spartan152
relic1980
Posted 3:51 PM 12/8/08
Was that a sapper or a fapper? (runs and hides now ^_^).
relic1980
Channing
Posted 4:49 PM 12/8/08
Hey, one of the incarnations of GTA (I think maybe it was San Andreas? Maybe not, I dunno) had a dildo as a weapon. I think it was purple.
Channing
Infamous.mpgEU
Posted 5:23 PM 12/8/08
BONK!
Infamous.mpgEU
Jayl3w
Posted 5:22 PM 12/8/08
The Fight Club reference is total win.
Jayl3w
Darksider1972
Posted 5:59 PM 12/8/08
Like Chris Rock said, Smack em with a D, Smack with a D,Smack em with a D, Smack with a D.. lol
Darksider1972
Shad0X
Posted 5:59 PM 12/8/08
its alive :o
Shad0X
LividChihuahua
Posted 6:31 PM 12/8/08
Sir, I am offended by the use of the word dildo in this article. I respectfully request that it be changed to large plastic make phallus. Thank you.
LividChihuahua
WittyUserName
Posted 6:53 PM 12/8/08
@Emiat: I guess it's just this and GTA San Andreas if you need your fix.
WittyUserName
sharpfang
Posted 7:34 PM 12/8/08
Seems most of people miss out the fact it's a HORSE PENIS.
sharpfang
Atheist Jew
Posted 8:11 PM 12/8/08
@Cyborgmatt: Thanks!
Atheist Jew
The_nub_next_door
Posted 8:52 PM 12/8/08
Quite NSFW, but it gives you... a sense of scale...
Mighty THOR!!!
[www.zoofur.com]
The_nub_next_door
Paradyme
Posted 10:38 PM 12/8/08
lmfao, classic.
Paradyme
man in gauze is king ramses II, silly.
Posted 11:08 PM 12/8/08
@Lyrai:
So how do you know this?
man in gauze is king ramses II, silly.
EvilMarshmallow
Posted 11:03 PM 12/8/08
"realistic"? *shudders*
EvilMarshmallow
phimuskapsi
Posted 11:55 PM 12/8/08
@Akira119
"Hatchet Harry then leapt over the desk grabbing the closest thing near by which happened to be a 15" Black Rubber Cock. He then proceeded to beat the man to death with it. That's the kind of man we are dealing with."
One of my favorite movies.
phimuskapsi
Señor Cagon
Posted 12:11 AM 13/8/08
hahaha!! my weapon is finally featured in a game! feel my wrath!!!!
Señor Cagon
aboruch23
Posted 12:57 AM 13/8/08
Nice subtle fight club reference.
aboruch23
ingerudo
Posted 1:34 AM 13/8/08
lol, I just would have liked to be able to see the video before it was removed :P
ingerudo
xcloudx
Posted 7:10 PM 12/8/08
Haha wow my model is spreading like wild fire. Awesome comments guys.
You can download the model here
[rapidshare.com]
I also upped that movie to my youtube account
+ Watch video
xcloudx
Stikasasn
Posted 3:38 AM 13/8/08
My mom has one just like that! lol
Stikasasn
fuzzy343
Posted 12:24 AM 13/8/08
I wonder what a critical hit looks like.
fuzzy343
TTCFCL
Posted 4:24 AM 13/8/08
Ah furries... My friend bought the Thor just so he could say that he had it.
TTCFCL
Darksider1972
Posted 5:06 AM 13/8/08
@Stikasasn:
Eww and How come you know this? LOL.
Darksider1972
uflouie
Posted 5:43 AM 13/8/08
mushroom tatoo...SWEET!
uflouie
sharpfang
Posted 6:19 AM 13/8/08
@Bookburner:
That's no Irishman. That's a Clydesdale.
sharpfang
HELLSRIDER
Posted 6:39 AM 13/8/08
Cant know if this is funny or just scary....
HELLSRIDER
LatinMessiah
Posted 8:18 AM 13/8/08
@Zeuxis:
Power up? You must mean "uber charge".
LatinMessiah
Chewbenator
Posted 9:07 AM 13/8/08
"This bag is full of big black dildos."
Chewbenator
Fordio
Posted 5:54 PM 13/8/08
wow that's immense
Fordio
rob2112
Posted 11:33 PM 13/8/08
Very funny, Painkiller still holds the title for best melee weapon ever, though. =)
rob2112
Taurath
Posted 6:58 AM 13/8/08
Looks like its based on a dildo made by zeta creations (google is your friend (or in the case worst enemy)).
Taurath
UshaBelus
Posted 2:33 PM 15/8/08
Harry didn't think that he did a very good job, so he grabbed the nearest thing to hand, which just so happened to be a 15 inch black rubber cock, and proceeded to beat poor old Smithy to death with. And that was seen as a nice way to go. Now, that, is why you pay Hatchet Harry, when you owe.
UshaBelus