Don your loincloth, polish your bastard sword, and get ready to invade Germany as Funcom announces their plans for Age of Conan at next week's Games Convention in Leipzig. They'll be showing off new locations, new content, and new features of their massively-multiplayer swords & sorcery title during live stage shows at the convention, with Blue Orb on hand to show players how to work the game with a gamepad and the TripleHead2Go guys granting hands-on time with the game on a three-screen setup. There's also loot to be had in the form of free game trials, limited edition game DVDs, and inflatable swords - because giving out real swords would have been pricey, and things would have gotten ugly rather quickly.

They'll also be showing off features of the DirectX version of the game behind closed doors to members of the press. Hopefully I'll get a chance to slip inside one of the sessions while I'm in Germany next week to see what's what. Hit the jump for full details on Conan's German invasion.

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One of Funcom's Age of Conan GMs was duped into cybersex with a male player (playing a male avatar, too) and dismissed for spanking him/him/her with his big sword. The entire transcript went up to a MMORPG message board at the beginning of the month, and the incident is just now making the rounds. Put on your robe and wizard hat, and watch as one GM learns about virtual bodies, and what "fapping" means.

Here's how it went down: the troll summoned a GM and started flirting pretty heavily, soliciting him for some good ole role playing games. The GM is a bit nervous, but does his due diligence, which consists entirely of the following investigation and follow-up:

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Just received an email this morning from Funcom to let me know that the 7-day Age of Conan buddy codes that shipped with the collector's edition of the game are now ready to be passed out among your friends in a suitably lordly fashion. Unlike most MMORPGs, where friend codes tend to be active from launch, Funcom wanted to give players sufficient time to get acclimated to the game before flooding the servers with people that didn't care enough to buy it. It might seem to the outsider that the company was waiting until the game was in a more presentable state, but that's just crazy talk.

Funcom suggests you allow your friend to use your game DVDs, as that not only allows you to spend quality time together, but also helps them avoid the $US 2.99 charge they'll incur from downloading the trial client (though they do get an extra 3 days to make up for the cost).

While Yahtzee isn't that big a fan of the Ememorpagah (MMORPG) genre, he decided to suck up his general distaste and plunge into the world of Funcom's Age of Conan anyway, a fact I am sure has nothing to do with the fact that The Escapist currently looks as if it were being forced out of one of the game's distended orifices. These sorts of coincidences always happen with website advertising, such as the other week when my Coors Lite review went up. Awkward!

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I was visiting the Eidos area early, chatting with the man in the Age of Conan t-shirt waving a sword around about World of Warcraft, when a realisation dawned on me. I never actually reviewed Age of Conan. I had done initial impressions, but I never deemed the game final enough for a full-fledged review. I asked the PR guy, but as the question left my lips, Age of Conan product manager Erling Ellingsen wandered by. You may remember Erling from the PVP video I posted a couple months back. Yes, he is just as glorious in real life.

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We often talk about the differences between 'sold' and 'shipped' announcements, generally coming to the conclusion that the numbers would be relatively close, but sometimes the gap can be a bit bigger. Early this month, Funcom announced that Age of Conan was about to pass the one million copies shipped mark, which is a lovely milestone to reach and all, but in their latest pat on the back press release they place the number of accounts at "more than 700,000". This means that somewhere between 25-30% of those shipped copies either a) haven't been purchased or b) have been purchased and haven't been activated.

While 700K is nothing to sneeze at, it's still a great deal less than a million. Just something to ponder the next time you see one of those snazzy shipping number press releases. Speaking of press releases, hit the jump for Funcom and Eidos loving on some sales charts.

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Simon Cottee has once again stuck his girlfriend in front of his PC, this time for a bash at Funcom's MMO Age of Conan. I say "once again", because Simon's previously coaxed his lady to play Team Fortress 2 and Bioshock.

My choice of classic line: "Can you actually make her have small boobs?" No, Simon's girlfriend, it's Conan.

GF AoC [Youtube, thanks Simon]

Funcom's Gaute Godager is pretty ballsy for a guy sitting on top of an unfinished MMO. The Age of Conan director cheap shotted his Blizzard rivals in an interview over at Eurogamer, where he compares World of Warcraft to fast food.

"But you know... I'm going to be a bit cheeky now, but if you've been to McDonald's for four or five years, and had your burger and your Coke, sometimes it's great to just have a great steak and a glass of good wine.

"I think that's what we're trying to do. It's more expensive, it's not for everyone and perhaps it's not as easily accessible as WOW is. But it could be more meaty", Godager finished.

At least when I order from McDonald's 9 times out of 10 they put everything I ordered in the bag, Gaute. Hit up the link the see Godager explain why "playing it safe" caused his steak to be served raw without the wine. Gordon Ramsay would have completely lost his shit.

Funcom's Gaute Godager [Eurogamer]

So Funcom and Eidos released Age of Conan, and hundreds of thousands of players have signed up...what now? The two companies have revealed their plans for evolving Age of Conan over the coming months, with heaps of new content influenced directly by player feedback in the pipes.

It all starts out later this month with a major PVP update, which they are calling "To The Death". The update will institute consequences and rewards for engaging in PVP battles, including the promised PVP leveling system and a Fugitive system, that will make it easier for other players to hunt you down the more lower-level characters you kill.

Other planned updates include guild alliance warfare, allowing guilds to team up and even form alliance keeps while fighting over "wonders of the world" that grant special powers, a system of in-game achievements called Powerpoints that will reward players for completing various tasks with points they can spend on special gear and powers, new areas to quest in, and a combo-based dancing system motion captured from professional dance artists. Joy! Hit the jump for more details on the evolution of Age of Conan.

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Get ready for difficult-to-pronounce names. Composer Knut Avenstroup Haugen has done a two-disc soundtrack for Age of Conan, featuring a variety of Scandinavian musicians, including Helene Bøksle, folks from Norway's State Opera Choir, and three songs kicked in by rock group Turbonegro, who performed at the game's launch event.

That's Turbonegro in the pic above, by the way, sporting spooky eyeliner and a crossbow. Oh-kay!

The first disc has the in-game orchestral tunes, or at least the ones Avenstroup Haugen considers to be "the very best". The second CD has more orchestral music plus the Turbonegro tracks, and the announcement mentions that the band's lead singer Hank Von Helvete says he's read "every Conan comic". How many comics are there, guys? I actually don't know.

Helvete's result is apparently a "rock-anthem of Imotephian evil". I don't know what that means, either. Plenty of info on these musicians follows the jump; the announcement doesn't specify the soundtrack's release date, but says it will "soon be available at music retailers across the Western hemisphere". Plus, the first disc is already available on iTunes, so have at, iPodders.

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