Cris Collinsworth took over as the colour analyst for the Madden franchise last year. John Madden retired from broadcasting this year. As this video suggests, it’s only a matter of time before the ex-Bengals receiver takes over the title

Collinsworth (as voiced by NYC comedian Rob Lathan) has to start out somewhere, so here he begins by calling the action for Intellivision’s Rural New Mexico Six-on-Six Football NFL Football (and the later All-Pro Football, with the forward pass perfected by the Mattel LED handhelds years before).

Remember, “You’ve never lived until one of those clowns flips you upside down.” It’s a sound bite you hear 48 zillion times in the most mundane Madden NFL 10 game. It’d also take up 20 times the memory of one of these ROMs.

Collinsworth NFL 10 – Rated E for Effort [YouTube, thanks Ian V.]

EVE Online developer CCP’s global posse mounts up for this EVE Fanfest video, which explains the only way to follow the company to the top — harden the f—k up.

This is perhaps the most glorious self-promotional thing I’ve ever seen a company do. Not only do they have the attitude down, the lyrics are pretty damn inventive too.

Every day is a fight, there’s no room for bloopers
Bugs coming at us like in Starship troopers

And just when you think it can’t get any better, Techno Viking shows up. I cried real tears.

I’ve gone ahead and included the full lyrics for the song below. Feel free to sing along, though if you’re at work you might want to keep it down a bit — the language gets a bit rough.

Thanks to everyone who directed us to the clip! We owe you more than you will ever know.

Lyrics:
Intro
First off – let me make a short introduction
I’m the space 5.0, keeping EVE from destruction
Guard is the name, Lead master of the game
Top dog in the gamemaster hall of fame

Im chillin at my desk with two girls and one pimp cup
Sippin champagne, reading mails checkin what’s up
Isk spamming scum bags disturbing the peace?
WOOP WOOP its the sound of space police!

Every day is a fight, there’s no room for bloopers
Bugs coming at us like in Starship troopers
We help when we can, every child, every man
Treat the boogie man to a permanent ban!

CHORUS x2

We’re CCP! We march on fearlessly!
Excellent is what we strive to be!

If you’re going to follow us to the top

HARDEN THE FUCK UP!

You best watch out bitch if you’re an exploiting scammer
Guard will gank you in the face with his big ban hammer
Remove all your Isk , throw your arse in the slammer
Make you share a cell with a manic ISK spammer

Like a never ending spam thread on racist biking
This song has something for everyone’s liking
Holy shit I see local spiking

…ladies and gents, its techno Viking!

Chorus x2

Ever flowing – never standing still
We roll with the punches, move in for the kill
The competition ends up six feet in the ground
With fists full of awesome we go round after round

United we stand never ever growing weary
We cannot fall cause gravity is just a theory
We reach higher than the giants in operations
Patience soon well be crip walking in stations

We’re more agile than a president dodging a shoe
We need three continents for our massive crew
From Atlanta to Shanghai to the Icelandic nation
Throw your hands up for World Domination!

Chorus

Grand Theft Auto Precinct [Atom.com via Destructoid]

EA Sports’ Rob Hydar is the victim of this perfect setup, in which MMA fighter Jason “Mayhem” Miller visits to check out how he appears in the upcoming EA Sports MMA, and finds his provisional statistics most displeasing.

EA Sports Creative Director Jason Barnes is obviously in on it. When Miller sees his low fighter skill rating and poor footwork attributes, he unleashes his F-bombs in everyone’s general direction but goes after Barnes when he, in a quite choreographed way, tries to calm Miller down. Then Miller’s in Hydar’s face. “Did you f—-in do this?!” he

“No disrespect, no disrespect,” says Hydar, the EA Sports head developer, using verbal judo straight from the manual of “How to Lose as Few Teeth as Possible in a Roid Rage Encounter.” Miller then, fortunately, springs the joke and there’s big manhugs to be had.

MMA Fighter Mayhem Miller Flips Out on EA Sports MMA Programmers [AllElbows.Com]

For my money, Tails’ pitiful sycophancy is bested only by Mega Man’s personality test disappointment. As someone who used to write Facebook personality tests (literally) I can vouch for their unscientific inaccuracy and overall irrelevance.

5 Video Game Status Updates [College Humor, thanks Ken]

The modder, Joe of Joe’s Modding Menagerie, is putting together a campaign for Left 4 Dead (pictured, above. Note the “I miss Twitter” graffiti.) He’s apparently friendly enough—or was, anyway—with Newell that the Valve managing director answers his emails. He’s even autographed a prop graphics card. But Joe felt snubbed by the corrupting/co-opting/olive branch offering to the Left 4 Dead 2 boycott leaders, and sent Newell this email with the header “I think you just opened up a can of worms: Why the hell haven’t I been flown to Valve? I mean, you guys need to preview my campaign.”

Newell’s arch reply: “We are boycotting your campaign.”

Shocked, Joe asks if that means he has to fly Newell to Brisbane for him to preview the mod. Newell ups the ante. “Me and Erik [Johnson, Valve project manager],” he answers, cc’d to Johnson.

So what’s left to be done? Boycott a boycott? Two of those won’t make a right here. Instead, Joe has begun a fund drive to collect enough money to fly both down to Brisbane to test out his campaign. A ticket from Seattle to Brisbane runs about $US1000. Joe has AU$6 in donations so far.

Fly Gabe Newell [Blogspot]

But not a game without its flaws, as “videogame nitpicker” Shamus Young is quick to point out. Shamus writes/photoshops Stolen Pixels – a webcomic made from tweaked screen grabs of games that Shaun uses to poke holes in gaming clichés and the niggling details that annoy him.

Fallout 3 is the latest target of his steely gaze and this week saw a collection of new and improved Perks for the game which had us LOLing about the place in our secret Kotaku chat bunker. The Ron Perlman is a serious candidate for ‘Fallout Perk I would love to have in real life’ – somewhere between Bloody Mess and Mysterious Stranger.

Stolen Pixels #41: Pick a Perk [The Escapist]

We lead off with the Madden Ambulance Montage (love that title card) above. You can watch the health care professionals (oath: “First, do harm”.) in John Madden Football ‘92 cut a path of destruction through the uninjured players on their way to pick up the crumpled halfback — with slo-mo replay, too. Many more clips after the jump.

A montage of late hits from Madden ‘96. *Crackle* … “Oh no, there’s a man down.” Pat Summerall sounds terribly upset by the wanton 16-bit violence he’s just witnessed.

Playing in the Super Bowl vs. the Colts, the Bears’ Rex Grossman gets hit so hard he shits a football.

In the pocket, Drew Bledsoe was such a statue he had pigeon shit on his shoulder pads. Yet here he uncorks a Frank Tarkenton-on-meth rollout and hits Terrell Owens for an unorthodox score. Bonus points for the Harry Kalas impersonation.

Vince Young Matt Leinart (coulda sworn I was looking at the Titans) back to pass … Saints free safety Josh Bullocks has a bead on it and FUCK YOU FATHER KARRAS … YOU’RE GOING TO DIE … ALL OF YOU /vomits … also, Merton Hanks, you can’t touch this.

The Ravens’ Kyle Boller has one hell of an arm, I’d say. Stick with it, long delay at the beginning while the guy sets up his camera.

You know, when Donovan McNabb puts one up in the air like that, it’s probably going for 6 in the other direction.

Not from the game, but I couldn’t resist. Madden gets all Freudian in last year’s Giants-Cowboys game.