Princess Peach gets kidnapped a lot. There are few women with more kidnappings under their belt than her royal mushroom highness, with only Daphne from Scooby Doo immediately springing to mind. In the 24 years of her existence, the good Princess has been stolen away at least 10 times by Bowser and his pals, and we’ve got the documentation to prove it.

Super Mario Bros.

Princess Peach’s first appearance in a video game also marks her first appearance as a victim of kidnapping. No one is quite sure where and how Bowser took her, but took her he did. A mutant turtle thing of vast resources, he even set up several decoy castles to keep Mario and Luigi occupied while he had his way with her. Thankfully his way equated to leaving her in a room, waiting for rescue.

Super Mario Bros. 3

After a brief stint as a playable character in Super Mario Bros. 2, Peach was back to her being-kidnapped ways. She initially sends out Mario and Luigi to halt her rumoured kidnapping, but they ultimately fail and Bowser gets his paws on her once again. At least she kept in touch.

Mario 64

While being entombed in a fresco in front of your own castle isn’t exactly being taken away from everyone you know and love, we’re going to go ahead and call this one a kidnapping as well, just for the sake of being able to include it in our list. You got a problem with that? Don’t make us entomb you in a fresco kidnap you.

Paper Mario

Not content to merely capture the Princess this time around, Bowser actually kidnaps her whole damn castle. Paper Mario featured scenes where you could control Princess Peach, gathering intel necessary to facilitate her escape. If only Bowser had stuck to his original leaving-her-in-a-room-to-be-rescued habits she’d probably still be kidnapped today, giving birth to little half-mushroom, half-lizard babies.

Super Mario Sunshine

Speaking of half-mushroom lizard babies, in Super Mario Sunshine it’s actually Bowser Jr that kidnaps Princess Peach, having been convinced by his father that she is his real mother. How did this game get released without Fox News and friends pondering the suggestion of Princess/lizard coupling? Why can’t I stop pondering it right now?

Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door

Who the hell are the X-Nauts? They’re a species of alien led by one Sir Grodus who, despite our cultural differences, manage to work out that kidnapping Princess Peach is simply the right thing to do. Go X-Nauts!

New Super Mario Bros. (DS)

Unable to overcome his mummy issues, Bowser Jr once again snatches Peach out from under Mario’s nose in the New Super Mario Bros. for the Nintendo DS. He also raises his father from the dead during the story, which brings up the following question: If Bowser Jr can reanimate the dead… wait, how the hell can he reanimate the dead?! I didn’t say it was a good question.

Super Princess Peach

In this game, Princess Peach has to rescue a kidnapped Mario and Luigi. Obviously the whole thing was a dream.

Super Paper Mario

Back to the kidnapping! Princess Peach is forced to marry Bowser against her will (riiiiight) by the vile Count Bleck, which will somehow release the power of the Chaos Heart. Mario rescues her, she lures Bowser to the good side and they all live happily ever after, never to be involved in a kidnapping plot again.

Super Mario Galaxy

Of course, if Princess Peach just happens to be in her castle when Bowser steals it and launches it into outer space, then that’s something different entirely. You have to admire Bowser’s logic though. If launching the castle into the sky doesn’t work, just launch it higher. Epic fail, but brilliant.

New Super Mario Bros. Wii

Here we go again.

This Saturday, November 14, Nintendo will be be bringing interactive gaming stations, costumed characters, trivia, prize giveaways and live tournaments to their New York store to celebrate the release of Wii must-have New Super Mario Bros. Wii. The event will also include a Super Mario Bros. museum filled with “memorabilia pulled from Nintendo’s archives that chronicles Mario’s history and cultural impact over nearly 25 years”.

We’ll be there. Totilo will be wearing bells.

What about New Super Mario Bros. Wii? Planning on picking it up? Is it time for Wii owners to start lining streets and counting days?

Let us know.

Option 1 — Actual Cosplay
This gown/crown combo with gloves and earrings goes for the sale price of US$159.99 — and it comes in mens sizes.

Option 2 — Slightly Skanky
This off-the-shoulder outfit comes with only the tiara and gloves, but at $US49.99, that’s not so bad.

Option 3 — Slightly Cuter Skanky
The bow on this gown is way cuter than the default skanky gown and the crown appeals to me. Also comes with short gloves for $US48.95.

Option 4 — Cute And Skanky
You get the best of both the cute and skany worlds with this one — and the gloves are full-length. Still at $US56.95, I’d like a better crown.

Option 5 — Cartoony
For those of you who can’t bear to bare your legs, this may be your best bet. You get a full-length dress and crown — but no gloves — for $US39.99. (At time of press, it’s out of stock.)

Option 6 — Hot Topic
You know you’re going cheap-and-easy when you turn to Hot Topic. Time was these guys had some amazing Halloween costumes, but just glancing at this flimsy Peach getup shows you how far the standards have fallen. Goes for $US49.99. (Note: This might actually be the same dress as Option 4 — but the price is different and this model looks fuglier, so I’m counting it as a separate entry.)

Remember, if you’re a Madden gamer and want in on the KFC (Kotaku Football Conference), that announcement will be at 1 pm MDT (3 pm Eastern, noon Pacific)

This one apparently came off of Facebook. I friended the guy who created/posted it, I’ll let you know if anything comes of that. Also, someone run out and register www.muahahahahahahahahaha.com.

And proof again there is nothing new under the sun.

[Oregon Trail pic]
[Zelda pic]
[Princess Peach pic at Motivated Photos]

Look closely because there’s a ton of detail here. The cake’s base is inspired by the beach level in Mario Galaxy; the middle layer (just underneath the castle) is a kind of spiral bas-relief drawing on the scenery in the Super Mario Brothers worlds; and the massive castle at the top, Frank says that came from a phony screenshot back when people were talking about the “Nintendo Revolution” as the third-gen console. I’m not a structural engineer, but there has gotta be a load bearing wall somewhere within the standard cake layers below, because it looks like a ton of fondant and heavy sugary mortar up there.

Congratulations to Frank and Paige and best wishes from Kotaku.

Source material for the beach:

For the middle column:

For the castle:

So, sorry, no bursting-at-the-cups Ivy from SCIV in this one, just good ol’ 2D renders, and maybe some cabinet art. The list features Marian from Double Dragon (seriously, they punched her in the stomach at the beginning of Double Dragon. And no one batted an eye!) Carmen Sandiego and Meryl Silverburgh from MGS. But leading off is Pauline from Donkey Kong, who’s dressed like she belongs in a polygamist cult. Pauline was sort of the George Lazenby of the Mario franchise. Made one big appearance and that was it, although she did get some TV work out of it. I hope Pauline’s still cashing royalty checks, spending them on cheap whiskey and ranting about Princess Peach.

Mediocre Game Babes [Games Radar]

Please understand that snapshots depicting inappropriate content or containing inappropriate comments will not be eligible for selection.

To this point, I’ve received a great number of screenshots that focus on peeking at the undergarments of certain Brawl combatants. So let me just say it again—shots like these will never be posted to the Dojo or sent out to users via the Smash Service.

I am ashamed of you all. Completely and utterly disappointed. You don’t send upskirt shots to Masahiro Sakurai! He has access to the 3D models and can see their panties anytime he wants. You send them to Kotaku, c/o Brian Ashcraft. Get with the program, people!

Screenshot Collection #2 [Smash Bros. Dojo!! - Thanks Stephen!]]

Possibly NSFW, depending on where you work!

Smash Bros X [My Game News Flash]

By The Numbers: The Forbes Fictional 15 [Forbes.com - Thanks Greg's Wife!]