RPGs: Stop Making Bad First Impressions 
Is Hitman's Next Target Assassin's Creed? 
Why Kotaku Australia Should Never Work With Children... Or Robots 
Three Words I Said To The Man I Defeated In Gears Of War That I'll Never Say Again 
New Doom 3 For Xbox 360 And PlayStation 3 Supports Head-Mounted Displays 
Far Cry 3 And The Stranger In A Strange Land Is there some special video game issue of The Onion currently in print? Because not only did the humour publication skewer game violence this week, it also poked at Super Mario Bros. and, now, Punch-Out!!.
Video games can be beneficial. They better our children’s hand-eye coordination, spatial relationship understanding and teach the basics of strategy. But are they doing enough to prepare them for a nuclear future and zombie infestations?
The Onion has been having a complete field day with Grand Theft Auto IV, producing some of the best material they’ve written in years since the game’s release in late April. Today they report on Liberty City citizens’ growing dissatisfaction with local law enforcement, citing not only their ineffectiveness in dealing with the recent crime wave, but also difficulties in keeping their priorities straight “I was buying a hot dog from a street vendor in Hove Beach yesterday when I saw someone run a red light, barrel down the sidewalk, careen into a garbage truck, exit his vehicle, steal a nearby convertible, and drive away,” one Broker resident reported. “A nearby police car didn’t even react. But when the car behind him nicked his fender, the officer shot the driver through the windshield and walked away.”
“That is not the kind of law enforcement we want for our community,” he added.
Speaking as a recent immigrant to Liberty City, I have to disagree. This is exactly the type of law enforcement we need. Someone go run over that resident for me.
Liberty City Police Face Allegations Of Incompetence, Brutality [The Onion - Thanks Daria!]
When I say that every major news outlet had stories about Grand Theft Auto IV last week, I mean every major news outlet, including venerable parody news site and internet staple The Onion, who took some time to inform their readers of the new features in Rockstar’s latest entry in the series. My personal favourite, which hits quite close to home… Though it doesn’t affect the game at all, your character is severely afraid of spiders
See, before I couldn’t identify with Nico, but now it’s like we were separated at birth or something. Also, great news for those of you who don’t enjoy all of the violent combat… You have the choice to stay in Liberty City or drive to the suburbs of New Jersey, where you can earn a degree or learn a trade
See? GTA IV has something for everyone!
Grand Theft Auto IV Hits Stores [The Onion via TBBPS]
Tribunal Finds Delta Squad Did Not Commit Gears Of War Crimes. We can’t find this story anywhere other than The Onion for now, so consider it unconfirmed, but the Gears of War Crimes Tribunal has apparently found that Colonel Hoffman, Marcus Fenix, and Dominic Santiago did not use unjustifiable force in battling the Locust horde. Sure to be a controversial ruling, especially in light of those cheat code allegations. Gears Of War Crimes Court Finds 2006 Locust Horde Massacre Justified [The Onion]
It’s difficult to see Gibson and Harmonix/MTV fight over patents—like watching your once ice-cream-loving parents argue about the financial merits of eating in—the fun has been sucked from dessert and nothing that Bryers can say will fix it.
After reading almost daily accounts of video games being blamed for some sort of horrific violence or another, it’s lovely to see a lighter take on the same sort of story I often find myself writing, courtesy of satire news organisation The Onion. In an article published today entitled “Wii Video Games Blamed For Rise In Effeminate Violence”, The Onion takes a look at the growing trend of wuss on wuss violence inspired by Nintendo’s console. “The Wii’s fluffy flowers and bright peach-coloured sunlight glorify chasing precious talking rabbits with plungers,” Greer said. “What kind of message is that sending to our children? That it’s ‘cool’ to act like some kind of electrical elf or banana fairy?”
Having personally witnessed a child being severely thwapped across the back of the head (by me), I have to agree with the members of Parents Against Wii…the madness has to end. In the words of PAW’s founder Linda Roberts, “One of these days, the red marks on our children’s arms might not just go away after five minutes”.
Wii Video Games Blamed For Rise In Effeminate Violence [The Onion - Thanks Kenneth!]
Roger Federer Is A Dick. We know you’re ranked number one in the world right now, Roger, but showing up to a match attempting to play tennis with a Wii controller just smacks of cockiness. Maybe Federer’s just that good at Wii Sports and real-life tennis, but I can’t imagine playing as him in Virtua Tennis ever again. We hope the respected journalists at The Onion Sports call him out on this.
Roger Federer Shows Up On Court With Wii Controller [The Onion]
You’ve seen the official list of the million-selling Wii titles, straight from Nintendo itself, but The Onion weighs in with its own list of platinum hits for the waggle-box. Can’t say any of these really surprise us, but we didn’t know Wisdom Tree was back publishing games for a Nintendo platform. And we simply can’t wait to play Throw The Thing At The Thing. Sounds throw-arrific!
Top-Selling Nintendo Wii Titles [The Onion]
