Pick The Best Kotakuite Writer

DSCF9385thurs-12.JPG Voting time! We've got five (count 'em) finalists for our TGS schwag contest in which readers wrote about their favourite TGS post. What are we giving away? A fistful of TGS fans - including a Flynn used Metal Gear Solid 4 fan. What's more, we're throwing in a Japanese Halo 3 T-shirt, an Adventure Island shirt signed by Takahashi Meijin and a program on which he scribbled a pyramid describing the current market. There's a bunch of VERY RANDOM things as well. Remember, we're not looking for flattery, but rather, sharp writing and/or insight. Hit the jump for the finalists!Finalist 1


War has changed. It is not about how many visitors my booth has, or how many people there are in my queue. It is not even about whether my game is better than yours. Or actually, it is. However, among the flashy, extravagant promotional stunts lies, nay, lurks an undercurrent of shrewd, subtle marketing - its stealth rivals that of Snake or Sam Fisher or Ryu Hayabusa (not) or whatever floats your boat. Yes, as pointed out, war is now about who can promote their products surreptitiously, and at the same time, effectively. Perhaps this is a clandestine and devious plan formulated by the upper echelons in the gaming industry to brainwash us into supporting them. Granted, it is basically an open secret now that a brave soul has come forward with the truth, but read on anyway. Even the strong-willed may succumb to the usage of flattery... Unless he/she dons the Helm of Nonchalance, which gives a +5 bonus to an individual's Will saving throw (that or he/she is a Kotaku staff picking out contest finalists). Assuming life adheres to the Dungeons & Dragons rule set. Which it doesn't. So then, is humanity doomed? Are we condemned to be slaves of ego-boosting propaganda-mongers? That is unlikely to be the case. Reason being that the 'enchantment' will be lifted once you step outside of its area of influence. In this case, the queue.

Finalist 2


Everyone seems to have missed the real point of this exercise, which is a shame since it's such a video game cliche. So here's the strategy guide: One of these women is the REAL booth babe. She's the only one that's vulnerable to your attacks. Defeat her, and you will have beaten TGS and become the Champion of Otaku Gaming. All of the best that TGS has to offer will be yours - you get to skip to the front of the long Level 5 booth line, have first crack at the drums in Rock Band, and play the MGS4 demo for as long as you want. The rest of the women are just there just to distract you, making you waste your time and energy on things like the LAIR booth and PSP ports of PS2 games. So choose wisely, TGS warrior, and may you prevail in the Sony Booth Babe Quest!

Finalist 3

My favourite TGS news is "Tecmo Follies" (http://www.kotaku.com.au/games/2007/09/tecmo_follies.html), because it tells you in three short minutes what the backbone of advertising in the entertainment industry is: barely dressed women. Why show a product, when you can have a girl in a bikini? Why waste money on developing proper products when proper women can do the trick in a short presentation; of THEIR bodies? The evolution of game shows will eventually lead to the point where no games will be shown at all and the conventions will be filled only with variety acts of different hooter groups. Game rating sites will drop irrelevant aspects of game testing, such as graphics and gameplay, and replace them with "booth babe" and "promiscuity". Jack Thompson will then finally realise that videogames were not to blame all along and go on a rampant "lawyers against fornication" campaign which seeks to eliminate gamers by depriving them of their right to procreate. Such is the epiphany gained from looking at Tecmo Follies. A future with great rewards at "game"-shows and old enemies back in action.

Finalist 4


"Laying there, innocently, with a rustic appeal that hearkened back to bygone days of a carefree fantasy, the mahogany staff awaited. Its nostalgic shape was a heartfelt welcome exchanged silently with the eyes, the simple yet elegant tartan frills that hung down in the colours of a gloriously mellow autumn day further beckoned the man. Enticed by the facade of timeless splendor, and the promise of an exhilaration dreamt of since mankind first gazed to the sky, he stepped forward, and found his place upon the magical ride. The enchanted veneer peeled quickly away, the man discovering that the broomstick controller, for all of its impressive 10 degrees of tilt, could not satisfy the ancient longing. With a sonorous "crap", the dream dispersed. In its place, now only the palpable sensation of severe butt discomfort lingered, the final remnants of the glamorous illusion fading into the depths beyond the bounds of the imagination. Sorry, Quidditch fans."

Finalist 5


Ah Itagaki unmasked you say? I would sooner expect to see clear photographic evidence of the Tibetan Mountain Yeti's child fathered by the elusive Chupacabra (she doesn't care what you think, she loves him anyway). What do the linked images reveal? Nothing but a deliciously heightened mystery. From the appearance of that photo I can not even confirm that Itagaki has actual eye-spheres residing in his skull-sockets. Maybe the sockets just burn with a black fire much like Ninja Gaiden's Doku. Or perhaps you can't see his eyes because under his sunglasses he is actually just wearing another pair of sunglasses. I think the worst possible scenario is that is actually quiet a perfect image of him without his glasses, he just is that blurry. And that is super scary. The grin on the man in the second photo (Itagaki and sunglasses reunited) is suspiciously "shit eating" as well, such to suggest his collaboration in confounding the photo.


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