Soul Calibur Legends – The Masturbation Game

Soul Calibur Legends – The Masturbation Game
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sclegends.jpgSoul Calibur Legends for the Wii is a truly awful video game. A taint on an otherwise excellent series that, much like the biological taint, should never have seen the light of day. The fact that I own it is a testament to my having picked up every good game that was released over the holiday season already and being forced to scrape the bottom of the barrel for something new. For those of you unfamiliar, it takes Soul Calibur characters, tacks on a boring story, and turns the whole thing into a room-by-room beat-em up. My nephew, who visited this weekend, didn’t quite get it as I tried to explain.

“So are there any new characters?”
“Well there’s a guest character from the Tales series, but other than that not really.”
“And can we fight against each other in two player?”
“Well, not in the classic 1-on-1 sense.”
“It isn’t a fighting game?”
“Well no.”
“Why would they even release it then?”

Then again, maybe he did get it.

As we waited for my brother and his son to arrive for a little holiday Rock Band (new name: Tubgirl), my nephew Xavier grabbed the Wiimote, stole some batteries out of the Xbox 360 controller (the roommate had stolen the batteries from the Wiimote to power her…um. Nevermind.), and sat himself down on the couch for some Soulcalibur Legends as I hopped online to check my emails. Soon pizza, my brother, and my other nephew (in order of importance) arrived, and I headed out into the living room to see how Xav was doing.

He actually seemed to be enjoying it, but he was playing off of my saved game, so he hadn’t realized that the level he was playing was the exact same level I had already been through twice on two different missions. He just sat there on the couch, nunchuk in one hand, Wiimote in the other, shaking it back and forth rapidly as he took out enemies with a blissful look on his face.

“Um,” I muttered, nodding to the odd positioning of the Wiimote in my nephew’s lap. My other nephew took notice and burst out laughing.
“You seem rather good at that,” I observe, desperately trying to keep a straight face.
“Oh yeah, this is pretty easy,” he replies, stroking the Wiimote back and forth in his lap.
“You’re a natural. You must practice a lot.”

It was then it dawned on my innocent little nephew exactly what it looked like he was doing, and despite having the strap firmly secured about his wrist he manged to toss the controller across the room.

“Can we play Rock Band now?”

So now I have Soulcalibur Legends sitting in my Wii, but I cannot play it anymore. Not without immediately launching into pantomimed masturbation, which while entertaining in a large group kind of loses something when you are sitting alone in your living room.

Incidentally, my brother asked me in the middle of our Rock Band session what Tubgirl meant, and I told him to Google it when he got home. The phone message I received the next morning is absolutely priceless.

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