Anyone with a dad over 50 has gotten the proctologist story, which strives to make the most florid description of arse pain imaginable while bragging that he's still a tough bastard and survived it.
Helpfully, Capcom's Seth Killian provided a video that dads can use to impress upon their kids how prudent it is to get your butthole checked for polyps every day once you turn 52. And to also say "It sorta feels like that."
For those wondering, my Dad's version involved a staple gun going to work on his sphincter. "It was a biopsy thing that takes a core sample," Dad said, with a perfect thousand-yard stare straight from the battlefield. "After the first one I asked how many he had to take. He said 12. After three you're begging for mercy."
Bionic Proctologist [Capcom-Unity]