Kotaku Robot Wars: The Final Battle

Kotaku Robot Wars: The Final Battle

It’s all come down to this. From thirst five robots down to two. Now Xenosaga’s Kos-Mos and Knights of the Old Republic’s HK-47 square off in the final round of the Kotaku Robot Wars.

More than just a battle between fictional robots, the Kotaku Robot Wars has been a battle between human intuition and robot computational power, with both sides attempting to predict the randomly generated outcome of the tournament. So far the humans have come out on top, but it’s still anyone’s game. Will humanity hold onto its lead, or will cold mechanical logic battle us to a standstill?

Time for the grand finale!

Your Predictions
The closest battle yet, with only a handful of votes separating the winner from the loser!

Kos-Mos VS. HK-47
Kos-Mos:50% (998 votes)
HK-47: 50% (981 votes)
The Fan-Picked Winner: Kos-Mos

R2-D2’s Prediction
Even tiny, bulbous robots can’t resist the draw of female blue-haired anime robots. It’s a plague.

The Official Randomly Generated Results

The final two robots circle each other warily outside of Kotaku Tower Atlanta, optical sensors constantly shifting between the blinking transponder at the apex that represents their only way home and their opponent. Kos-Mos materializes twin chain guns which begin to whir as they spin. HK-47’s finger tightens slightly against the trigger of his laser rifle. Suddenly, Michael Fahey bursts from within the tower, waving his arms and shouting, “Stop!”

Both robots turn and fire, executing Fahey for the crime of basically writing himself into a work of fan fiction, turning attention back towards each other without a second thought on the matter. The chain guns burst to life, filling the air around HK-47 with dust and shrapnel, his own laser rifle issuing the appropriate response, only to find empty space where the female robot once stood.

Kos-Mos kicks off the ground and launches high into the sky, travelling in a long, graceful arc, blue hair growing ethereally in the bright sunlight. Wasn’t it night time a moment ago? And is that triumphant theme music playing in the background? Where the hell is that coming from?

Perhaps HK-47’s circuits are deceiving him, but it doesn’t matter. The blue-haired fembot lands behind and opens fire with everything she has, and several things she didn’t have a few seconds ago.

“Disappointed exclamation: Oh shit.” And then HK-47 disperses into a cloud of dust.

As Fahey’s cats begin chewing on his remains, Kos-Mos ascends the last remaining Kotaku Tower, activating the transponder at the top and disappearing back into her own reality.

The Final Results

With humanity and R2-D2 both accurately predicting a win for Kos-Mos, that leaves us with 4 out of 7 correct for us fleshies and 3 out of 7 for the ‘bots. With 57% accuracy to their 43%, humanity wins! Find a fellow human and give them a big hug, and feel free to punch any robots you might have running about to remind them of their place in the grand scheme of things.


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