For teh past week we’ve been giving away Mass Effect 2 on Xbox 360 and PC, Collectors Editions and regular editions. Let’s tally up the final ten winners.
We asked you to namewhich six people (real, fictional or possibly not even people – we’ll be flexible here) you would recruit to join you on the most dangerous mission of all. Just like Shepard is tasked with doing in the game.
We’ve previously revealed six of the winners, but we can now add Nworb, Gavin Kelly, Alister and Dean Henderson to that list. Let’s run through all ten winners right now and enjoy their winning entries.
Xbox 360 Collectors Editions
Aidan Dullard
1. David Attenborough – the dulcet tones of everyone’s favourite nature documentary narrator would be a welcome distraction from mercenaries, aliens, ancient unstoppable machines and other galactic baddies. Plus, he’d be handy on uncharted worlds, excitedly describing the territorial instincts of wild Geth or the feeding habits of thresher maws (best not to wonder).
2. HAL 9000 – a homicidal, omniscient talking computer would be a nice change from the Reap- oh wait. With HAL on my side; we’d win not through firepower, but by our tremendously scary voice acting and complete lack of sanity.
3. Cthulhu – It’s huge, it’s immortal and it has tentacles: what more could you want? An unpronounceable symbol of all that is evil and wriggly; nothing can stand against this indestructible, intergalactic space monstrosity. Not to be confused with the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
4. Pathogenic Bacteria – H.G. Wells’ ‘The War of the Worlds’ was perhaps the first example of galactic conflict in literature; Mass Effect 2 continues this tradition with a fine assortment of aliens, technology and general apocalypse. Wells’ Martians, however, were brought down by the tiniest living things on Earth: virulent bacteria, in an oddly delicious ironic twist. Bowing to tradition, I’d welcome these heroic saviours of humanity into my team.
5. Princess Leia – Wielding blasters and her famous ‘Cinnamon Bun’ hairstyle with equal intensity; Leia’s mix of curt royal snobbery and a precise blaster aim saved the galaxy on more than one occasion. No ‘damsel in distress’, Leia’s quick aim and even quicker temper would be an asset to any team. Plus, anyone who can come back with ‘stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerfherder’ as an insult is worth bringing along.
6. Skippy the Bush Kangaroo – Think Lassie, or Flipper, but with a pouch. An impossible mission requires an impossible hero: calm under pressure, easy to talk to and tasty if you’re in a tight spot. A fearless defender of justice and enforcer of peace; Skippy is credited with saving the lives of 40 Australians – and a wombat and a Siamese cat. On a mission to save the galaxy from the forces of darkness, a kangaroo that communicates via clicking and hand signals might not just be the weirdest thing you’ll see. Plus, he’ll get along great with David Attenborough. Skippy: The Intergalactic Kangaroo.
Nworb
On the first day of the mission my true love sent to me
An Action Hero in a mankini. (Chuck Norris)
On the second day of the mission my true love sent to me
Two James Bonds (Pierce Brosnan and Roger Moore)
And an Action Hero in a mankini. (Sylvester Stallone)
On the third day of the mission my true love sent to me
Three Femme Fatales (Sharon Stone, Geena Davis and Milla Jovovich)
Two James Bonds (Daniel Craig and Timothy Dalton)
And an Action Hero in a mankini. (Bruce Willis)
OKAY, technically that’s at least 6 people, but I guess you want more…
On the fourth day of the mission my true love sent to me
Four Gaming Icons (Mario, Solid Snake, Lara Croft and Samus)
Three Femme Fatales (Peta Wilson, Jodie Foster and Angelina Jolie)
Two James Bonds (Sean Connery and George Lazenby)
And an Action Hero in a mankini. (Jean-Claude Van Damme)
On the fifth day of the mission my true love sent to me
Five Saturday Morning Cartoon Characters! (He-Man, Inspector Gadget, Bugs Bunny, Optimus Prime and Lion-O)
Four Gaming Icons (Link, Duke Nukem, Pac-Man, Leisure Suit Larry)
Three Femme Fatales (Summer Glau, Gina Torres and Morena Baccarin)
Two James Bonds (Bob Holness and David Niven)
And an Action Hero in a mankini. (Steven Seagal)
On the sixth day of the mission my true love sent to me
Six Clever Dicks a’sleuthing (Sherlock Holmes, Inspector Morse, Hercule Poirot, Thomas Magnum, Inspector Clouseau and Miss Marple)
Five Saturday Morning Cartoon Characters! (Donatello, Rafael, Leonardo, Michelangelo and Splinter)
Four Gaming Icons (Niko Bellic, Scorpion, Diablo and Donkey Kong)
Three Femme Fatales (Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore and Lucy Liu)
Two James Bonds (Michael Jayston and Corey Burton)
And an Action Hero in a mankini. (Arnold Schwarzenegger)
Okay, in a round-about way that’s six. Six types of team members in six days.
What you want more?? That’s already like, six action heroes in a mankini right there! What’s wrong with you?
Okay there is more, but I’m going to leave it there until someone gives me free stuff.
PC Collectors Edition
WaveOfMutilation
Before I choose my team I need to explain the theory behind it. The average lifespan of a party member is, being a sub-main character, up to 25 hours of culmative gameplay this being the maximum. Where as the lifespan of your average redshirt has a maximum lifespan of perhaps 20 seconds if he was extremely lucky. Thus one party member is equal to ((25x60x60)/20) 4,500 Redshirts.
Since I am allowed to choose the worth of 6 party member characters I would rather take the equal value of 27,000 Redshirts. By doing so I gain many benefits:
* I save a fortune by not having to outfit the redshirts with anything close to decent equipment.
* I get to keep all the best loot for my self.
* Redshirts are alot cheaper to employ.
* Instead of engaging in the usual single party member romance sex scene I get to engage in 4,501 person orgy (possibly not that great a thing now that I think about it).
* And most importantly so long as a single red shirt is alive I can not be killed because said redshirt would have to die first.
With 27,000 Redshirts at my disposal I can ensure my survival throughout my adventure as although a main character will always outlive Redshirt he is not always guaranteed to outlive his party of sub-main characters.
Xbox 360 standard editions
Andrew Hobbs
1. A turtle.
2. Another turtle.
3. A cat.
4. A piece of toast.
5. Butter
6. Duct tape.
It is a well known fact that once a turtle is on its back, it cannot get up again. To solve this, I would duct tape the two turtles together, back to back. In this configuration, they would be unstoppable.
It is also well know that a cat always lands feet first, and toast always lands butter side down. With this in mind, a similar scenario to the afore-mentioned turtles plays out. I butter the toast, and duct tape it to the cats back, butter side up. Combined, these two forces will create something unnatural, and totally invincible.
With these six items combined, I would then duct tape the whole thing together. With the newly-created Caturtletoast, it would be almost too easy to rule the galaxy.
Kelly
My team would consist entirely of buff men. (Or buff men in training.) This will help me get over the emotional scarring I recieved from Mass Effect 1, where my (I thought) heterosexual, female Shepherd had lesbian sex without my permission, when talking to the Consort. I mean, one minute we’re talking, and the next, wham, we’re doing it in cut scene. And when I played with a male Shepherd, there was unfortunately no reciprocal hot male/male scenes available. I was miffed that Bioware catered to the fantasies of its male/lesbian player demographic, but didn’t do anything for women (or gay dudes). Choosing between Kaidan, and a stupid Asari is not a choice. Even if Kaidan was awesome.
One guy is not a choice. So here’s six to choose from:
1) An alien of the, uh, Farari, species. These look like green, totally buff men. They’re like the Asari, but they’re men. Or like men. And hotter. Y’know.
2) Kaidan. He had a lovely, gravelly voice.
3) Carth. From Knights of the Old Republic 1. He had a lovely, gravelly voice.
4) Raphael Sbarge. He has a lovely, gravelly voice.
5) Sephiroth. The first of all my video game crushes. So beautiful and yet so tormented. Hug.
6) My ex-boyfriend. The World of Warcraft addict, who couldn’t make dinner dates because of his emotional over -committment to his guild. He needs to get into shape and there’s nothing like saving the universe to help him with that. He can carry all the luggage.
Gavin Kelly
In pretty much all of the promo videos for mass effect 2, bioware have made certain that to survive this mission your team is going to have to be close-knit and trust each other. With that in mind I have constructed my own super team of friends and highlighted how they connect with each other:
1)Stephen Hawking – I can see him becoming a super-powered biotic and tech specialist. His brilliant mind and powerful tech moves will more then compensate for his lack of motor skills.
Stephen Hawking wrote the bestselling book ‘A Brief History of Time’, of which the introduction was written by …
2)Carl Sagan – his knowledge of the stars, not to mention his willingness to learn and adapt as we travel through them, would no doubt be a great asset. Also, his knowledge in planetary science would be useful in charting the new worlds we come across. We could also pimp him out with a biotic implant so he can hold his own in battle.
Carl Sagan gave birth to a son…
3)Nick Sagan – with a gift for writing, he could become the crew’s historian. This would be a vital role to fill as it is a mission of galactic importance, and the odds are we are unlikely survive. Also, the father/son dynamic and the fact that his voice is on the voyager I and II spacecraft could make for some cool side-quests.
Nick Sagan wrote several episodes of Star Trek, which stars….
4)William Shatner – has the ability of being irresistibly charming. Could serve the team with his knowledge of “how they did it in the show”. Would make a great soldier. Also, who wouldn’t want to see Shatner traveling the stars and bedding alien women for real??!?
William Shatner was in the movie ‘Loaded Weapon 1’, which also starred…
5)Denise Richards – has the ability to be an awesome space fighter (I assume this from watching Starship Troopers a lot) so she could definitely be a soldier in my crew. Not to mention she needs to be there because a female love interest is crucial (its MY story and I will NOT settle on Shatner as my only option!!).
Denise Richards was in the movie ‘Wild Things’, which of course had in it…
6)Kevin Bacon – he is the ultimate negotiator as he knows everyone, or at least knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows some who knows someone who knows you. He is quite simply the center of the entire universe, and any foray into unknown space without him would be foolish.
Alister
Rather than pick out the best of the best in the field of combat for my squad, I’ve decided to choose six characters that will remove the flaws of the first Mass Effect.
God
Flat planets wearing you down? bored of driving through samey locations for every side-quest? Then the almighty maker can solve your problems! Using his super unproven techniques, God will be able to forge interesting environments in just six days. After which he will take a day off, (as required by his union), and get back to work the next day.
Joseph Stalin
Inventory management in Mass Effect can be a troubling affair. Trying to divide up the loot between six squad mates usually ends up with somebody missing out on their share. Thats where the King of Communism, Mr Stalin hiself comes in! This strong leader has spent years perfecting his system of government to ensure each individual is treated as an equal. He will be required to hand the squad’s equipment so that each member is given their fair rations of guns and armour.
Beyonce
What’s that? You want a relationship with a tentacle haired Asari? We at least need a more appealing alien to “do it” with.
Seek.com.au
Having trouble with the same old sidequests? Losing interest in saving the universe? Then the personification of Seek.com has the perfect job for you. Seek will take your job preferences and search for the occupation for you and your crew. Will also give information on wages, times and the fastest relay to take.
A Vending Machine
As far as I can tell, John Shepherd never consumed any food in the original ME so it’s safe to assume he would slowly die of malnutrition or thirst. The solution? A VENDING MACHINE WITH LEGS. This juggernaut would be able to have it output light snacks for a reasonable price and also stomp onto the battlefield to assist my squadmates in their time of hunger.
Crash Test Dummy
You may think that an inanimate object has no place in my crew, but put this fellow inside the Mako and we can finally convince the Alliance to get us a better vehicle. (also doubles as powerful biotic)
Dean Henderson
1- Haiku Master
2- Expert Scholar of limmericks
3- Cosplay fashion designer/maker
4- Photoshop genius
5- Expert reviewer with valuble insights on what they love and hate about games.
6- A person skilled in witty observations of games and its surrounding community to advise the experts previously mentioned. Examples of advice will involve banning all references to “Chuck Norris” and using the phrase “nuf said”. Advice will also actively discourage any reference to Kotaku’s editor in a hope to swing favour.
This team will be unstopable in any future competition challenges that Kotaku sets down and will guarantee some sweet loot.
Also DK Rap entry is genius and probably deserves all three copies.
PC standard editions
Steven Bogos:
1: An Action hero
2: An Internet Meme
3: A Sci-Fi reference
4: A Video Game Character
5: A Historical Figure
6: A personal friend
Adam Grabda:
1. Wii Fit
2. Wii Sports Resort
3. Wii Play
4. Mario Kart
5. New Super Mario Bros.
6. Wii Fit Plus
Congrats to all ten of you, I’ll be in touch today, and thanks to everyone else who entered.
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