For the last few years, comedian Jay Mohr has hosted the Interactive Achievement Awards and kicked the show off with a not-for-kids, profane half hour of jokes about the year in gaming. Here are some of the cleaner ones.
Note that one of Mohr's favourite themes is the lack of diversity in the crowd of several-hundred game designers, executives, public relations people and reporters in the crowd.
- "You guys might notice we have some women here voluntarily tonight. That's a big moment for us. "
- [After calling attention to a few female game developers in attendance]"These ladies are all presenting [awards]tonight, just to prove they actually exist. It's like how Republicans make their black guy party chairman. See, we have one too? He's over here. Don't ask him anything."
- "My family and I play Beatles Rock Band a lot. It's always tense in the beginning. You have to have the whole 'Who is going to be Ringo' conversation. I tell my son, 'If you're Ringo, you'll die last.'"
- "Have you guys heard about the game where your wrist gets impaled and pinned down by a huge monster claw thing and you have to cut off your hand if you ever want to get out of there? I think it's called Working At Activision... That's right. I said it. Kathie Lee Gifford thinks you guys are a little harsh. "
- "By my count Activsion also released 500 Guitar Hero games last year. I think Guitar Hero 5 was the boldest, because, well, you had balls. A Kurt Cobain avatar singing was a little creepy... before he started singing Bon Jovi. Are you out of your fucking minds having Kurt Cobain singing Bon Jovi? That's like Elvis singing Hasselhoff. That's not supposed to happen! I don't want Kurt Cobain living on a prayer."
- "Courtney Love sued, right? You guys know all this. Of course she sued, that's like her job, to sue. And she had a point. So I wanted to congratulate Activision. You made Courtney Love look fucking sane. That's probably the most impressive thing you did all year."
- "I finally got the Indiana Jones sequel I wanted. It's called Uncharted 2. No fridges. No monkeys. No fucking Shawn Labeef or whatever the hell he is. Who is this? Where did he come from? Just a man and his stubble, the way it ought to be when you're home alone playing a video game."
- "A lot went down this past year. Nintendo dropped the price of the Wii. Nintendo dropped the price of the Wii! Which would be great if everyone in the world didn't already fucking own one. That's mighty white of you! They're like, wait, 'We've sold every human being on Earth the Wii? Let's knock the price down.'"
- "Borderlands did very well in 2009. Congratulations on Borderlands. But this is America. We respond well to anything that combines shooting, guns and the word borders. Let's not get too crazy. Imagine everyone's surprise when they found out there were no Mexicans in the game."
- "I want [EA]to remember to be true to the source and, if you're going to do [Godfather]part III, make sure it's disappointing."
- "Here's what I really want to ask the folks at EA: Forget the Madden curse. What the hell happened to the guy on your golf game?"
For more, including his routine about masturbating to Bobby Kotick, check for an airing of the awards on the Independent Film Channel, though I have a hunch a lot of this will be edited out. For a full list of the award winners check out our earlier post.