Warning! The Entertainment Software Ratings Board has passed judgment on Final Fantasy XIV, warning potential players against boozing, whoring, upskirts, euphemisms for masturbation and creative ways to endanger a penis.
I want in the Final Fantasy XIV beta so badly now I can almost taste it. The ESRB listing for the game reads like a menu of things one might find hilarious if they’d for instance, been up all night working on a rather large infographic.
Yes, in my delirious state, I’d find lines like, “The netmaster’s probably up in his office polishing the mast just thinking about her” simply hilarious, and “stick yer manhood in the forge” might just be my new catchphrase.
Here’s the full listing:
This is a massively multiplayer online role-playing game (MMORPG) in which players navigate a large cast of characters that engage in missions and fight the forces of evil. Players explore environments (e.g., cities, plains, caves) and battle human and fantasy creatures. Players use swords, spears, axes, firearms, and magic spells (e.g., fire balls, energy beams) to defeat enemies in real-time combat. Cutscenes depict a man being stabbed from behind, and creatures emitting splashes of purple or yellow blood when struck. Some female characters are depicted from low camera angles, with lingering camera views of their buttocks (i.e., up-skirt shots). Dialogue contains suggestive references; for example, “The netmaster’s probably up in his office polishing the mast just thinking about her,” “stick yer manhood in the forge,” and “You cheating little whore!” Several characters are referred to as drunk or drunken, while others sometimes talk about wine, rum, and grog. The word “sh*t” can be heard in the dialogue.
I’m going to go preorder two copies. Someone remind me to cancel the extra ones in the morning please.
Final Fantasy XIV [ESRB.org – Go Stick Your Manhood in the Forge, Simon!]