The Year, NSFW

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The Year, NSFW

Some year-end retrospectives play out to the accompaniment of a tinkly piano. Others to a cheese-cloth montage. Our subject here plays out to strains of bow-chicka-bow-bow and the censor bars. It’s Kotaku’s Year, NSFW. (Warning, NSFW, duh.)

Heavy Rain is Light on Clothing:

Mafia II is Watching You Masturbate: Mafia II’s period-piece aesthetics extended to the game’s unlockables, a collection of 50 vintage Playboy centerfolds. Some of these were unsafe for Japan

(which, despite all of its unaccountably weird fetishes, can’t show bush.) The game’s stats include a timer counting down how much time you spend gazing at boobies from the 1950s and 1960s. And you can’t say you were spending that time reading the articles, either.

Kinect-the-Dongs:showed off a fondling simulatorlocal television reporters into predictable hysterics
would never see the light of day on the Xbox 360

The hijinks didn’t start or end there, though. Once Dance Central hit the living room, folks realised that the game takes pictures of your performance – even if you play it in the nude. And the sex tech website Slashdong did pioneering research in the field of Kinect penis recognition, finding it can’t recognise a dildo the length of the average schlong (5.75 inches). So those of us with rolling pin-sized cocks must wait for Microsoft to detect more subtle protrusions of male equipment before we get the FPFer we deserve.


Videos Worth a Thousand (Four-Letter) Words:went on this 10-minute tirade

Crush My Feelings: Back in the spring, GameCrush launched, offering its roster of “attractive,” “ladies” for one-on-one gameplay sessions ranging from $US6 to $US8.25. GameCrush’s lasses broke down into categories “Flirty” and “Dirty,” snagging 1,200 “PlayDates” within the first week of launch, and furthering the cause of gamer gender equality by spreading the idea that all girls who play Modern Warfare 2 want to screw your brains out. For money.

Alright, Privates! Pioneering studio Zombie Cow boldly took platform shooters where, uh, many men have ventured before, I suppose – an infected vagina. Nominally figleafed as educational on the subjects of sexual health and promiscuity, Privates’ first five levels revealed it was, well, the clinical term is “gross.” Unsurprisingly, Xbox Live Arcade refused to certify the game, and so it went off to PC-release-only-land. Slated for release next year, Zombie Cow has promised some penis-themed levels in its first DLC extension.

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