We’re extremely keen on WWE All Stars – a wrestling game that strips back the sim dross of WWE Smackdown vs Raw and recreates the mad fun we used to have with games like No Mercy. Our anticipation has sky rocketed after discovering that Macho Man Randy Savage, after decades in the WWE wilderness, has been announced as part of the roster. You don’t give a rat’s ass? Well let me tell you something Mene Gene – we have five very good reasons why you should.
5. Macho Man Randy Savage beat the crap out of Tobey Maguire
All right – don’t get us wrong. Tobey Maguire is all right – his cameo appearance in The Wizard is the stuff of method acting legend – but in Spiderman 3 he was partly responsible for transforming Peter Parker from a happy-go-lucky wise-cracking neighbourhood Spider-dude into a floppy-fringed hipster emo with eye-liner. Russell Brand wears eye-liner – do you want Spiderman to turn out like Russell Brand? Of course not. Someone needs to bring the pain.
And you know what? Someone did bring the pain – Macho Man Randy Savage. As Bonesaw, Savage was the first and last person to land a totally tubular Atomic Elbow, from the top rope, directly onto the windpipe of Tobey Maguire. And he totally only lost the fight because of Maguire’s Spider-hax, which were clearly against rules of professional wrestling. Never forget kids – chairs, beer trucks, voodoo dust, and leprauchauns – all perfectly legitimate means of victory – but climbing onto the cage like a big girl? Totally not cool.
4. Macho Man is legitimately insane
Don’t believe me? Just watch the above. Macho Man Randy Savage is without doubt one of the best ‘talkers’ in wrestling history. If by ‘talking’ you mean regurgitating an incredible amount of insane psychodelic babble whilst clearly being under the influence of horse tranquilisers.
His sheer stream of consciousness insanity can only be matched by The Ultimate Warrior, and he’s a Sarah Palin-esque crazy conservative now, so he totally doesn’t count.
3. He’s a rapper
Don’t get it twisted – Macho Man has mad flow. After Hulk Hogan refused to stand toe-to-toe with Savage, he did the sensible thing considering the circumstances – recorded a scathing dis’ track called ‘Be a Man, which included these sick burns:
Hollywood Hulkster you’re at the end of your rope
And I’m a kick ya in the butt and wash your mouth out with soap
Cuz like Rodney Dangerfield you gets’ no respect
So come on Hulk let’s wreck so I can put you in check
Damn Macho, go easy… brother!
2. He now looks a bit like Santa Claus
This is not a joke. This is what Macho Man looks like now. He looks like a member of ZZ Top. I can’t decide whether this is awesome or it makes me feel a little bit sad.
1. Macho Man needs his props
This is the most important reason. Macho Man has been missing in action in Wrestling video games for far too long. For some reason WWE Head Honcho Vince McMahon hates him (some truly suspect an illicit affair with his daughter when she was too young for that sort of thing) which has resulted in a Macho-less video game wasteland. I, for one, am glad to see that drought end. Welcome back Macho Man Randy Savage, you were truly missed.