Judging this comp may have been the most difficult task I've had since becoming Kotaku Editor - the entry mechanic was so abstract that I couldn't skim read, and I wanted to give everyone who entered the comp a fair shake. There were some great ideas, a couple that doubled up, and some that made me genuinely vocalise my laughter in an out loud fashion, but here are the winners in full.
THE FIVE RUNNERS UP
Rupert Blubablob – The colour someone’s face will turn when they realise they misspelled “Blob” as “Blub” after writing the T&C of this competition.
Judge's Comment: I chose this because it made me laugh. And because it was true. In other news - the girl who does our Terms & Conditions is beautiful. And single. You have now upset her and she will never go out with you.
I'm only kidding! (But not really!)
James Simmonds Gripped Cream – The colour your hands go when gripping your controller/mouse hard in intense moments of gaming concentration!
Judge's Comment: Chosen for the strength of the pun. Short, direct, clever and creative.
Lucas Wittingslow Red.
What? Its taken already? Damn it!
Ok, then… Redd.
Judge's Comment: Genius. Took the concept and flipped. This one made me laugh the most.
Seen in select episodes of Miami Vice, on Bret Michaels’ pouty lips and George Michael’s pants. Has the uncanny effect of making white guys lose all sense of spatial awareness and rhythm when dancing. Can be found naturally occurring when “pushing it to the limit”, “feeling the heat”, “standing at the brink of destruction” and engaging in otherwise hyperbolic behaviour.
Judge's Comment: This was a colour I could visually create in my mind [shudder] . Extra bonus points for linking it into a barrage of 80s CLASSICS.
Dave Blue 2 – If you liked the original, you’ll LOVE the sequel.
Judge's Comment: I know, very similar to the 'Redd' joke, but still very inventive. Worthy of a prize I thought.
AND THE WINNER IS...
—————————– IN THE BEGINNING. —————————– Tally ho, old salt, I am playing for the local charity/children’s hospital/etc of your choosing. Such a splendid prize wouldn’t begin to fit in my rucksack and I’d have a terrible time getting it all onto the kayak; so, as you can see, the prize is of little to no use to me and my good time adventure pals – have I told you about Brad? I think you would really like him; he was such a good sport on the weekend, he lent me a tin of sausages and beans when i lost my rucksack overboard – a splendid chap indeed. ———————- ————————– BUT WHAT ABOUT THE COLOUR? ————————– I appreciate your overwhelming sense of urgency. Let me cut to the chase, for I too have invented a most vivid colour, it’s a colour that i see very often, but i think it just might be imaginary, like friends and that underwater city I sometimes tell people about – I can tell you where it is too, if you promise not to tell anyone else. I can take you there! —————————————- —————————– TELL ME, WHAT DOES THIS COLOUR EVEN LOOK LIKE? —————————– The colour is perhaps best described as a luminous fusion, an electric-blue, orange, and cherry-red glow. Like the sky, the sun and Heaven all put together in splendid oneness. Sometimes, when you’re swimming at the beach close to sunset, but you’ve been swimming and playing in the water for too long and your eyes hurt and everything appears in soft focus; then you squint and look into the sunset sky and see the spectacular colours painted above Earth and all things – a colour both unreachable and intrinsically part of you. Like the most far reaching, red dusk sunset and endless blue sky, bounding fast and high through fluffy white marshmallow clouds, that radiates outwards forever into eternity – the infinite beyond. The kind of colour that makes everything seem alright just the way it is. A bit like kayaking into the wilderness with Brad, knowing he will give you his last tin of sausages and beans; if the need should arise. That’s just the kind of guy Brad is, let me remind you. ————————- ————————– A CLOSER LOOK AT BRAD’S WIFE. ————————– Have you seen Brad’s wife? Let me tell you, the kind of woman Plainview can only imagine in dreams; she’s some kind of big city executive or some such spectacular thing. Sometimes I imagine myself as having a fancy job in the city, answering the telephone and so forth. And sometimes I imagine myself making the most important phone calls on my mobile phone when I’m pacing up and down in my office. Then I imagine myself typing on my computer and then I carry my briefcase to get sandwiches and milkshakes at the designated lunchtime with all my good-time office friends. I think I would buy everyone sandwiches and we could eat them in the park upon a blanket I brought from home. Maybe we would have some left over bread to feed the ducks, and I would show everyone in the park my suit and tie; how super it would be. Sometimes I look at the people in the city, on their lunch break, just admiring them from afar; good people, all of them, I think i most admire their tenacity, their determination. ———————- ————————— WHEN DOES THIS COLOUR APPEAR? ————————— When do I see this spectacular colour vision? Indeed, a good question. The last time I saw it was about 6 hours after I accidentally dropped my rucksack overboard as we hitched a ride on a fishing boat beyond a most perilous reef in Asia; it was a fool of a thing to do, a rookie move, and I was made to look quite the amateur. The otherwise good natured fisherman certainly weren’t about to turn around on account of my stupid mistake, let me be the first to tell you; I would never ask of them such a thing – how very ludicrous it would be. So my rucksack is lost to the deep blue sea and that means all my clothes and food for the journey ahead had shared a most similar fate. All was lost and I had made a terrible mistake. ———————– ——- BUT . . . . ——- But later, when we arrived at the first of our island destinations, Brad gave me some wonderful clothes. Brad only buys the very best clothes, let me tell you. He gave me a spectacular blue weatherproof rain coat to keep me dry in the kayak and very durable pair of denim pants to protect my legs. ——————————– ——- RUGGED SUCCESS! —————- So there I was, dressed in wonderful, rugged, outdoor attire. And as I mentioned earlier, it was later that day when Brad gave me a tin of sausage and beans on a night when I deserved to go hungry. —————- ——————————— IT’S HAPPENING, VERONICA . . . ! IT’S HAPPENING! ————————————– And that’s when it happened, near the campfire with Brad, I was blinded buy the beautiful orange/red/electric blue glow all around me – it lit up the night and I could see forever and ever into the deepest most furthest reaches of the universe. ———————————— ————————– BUT THE COLOUR ONLY APPEARS WHEN . . . ———————————— The colour only seems to appear when everything seems to be going disastrously wrong, but in the end, somehow and inexplicably, everything turns out just perfect – better than perfect; that’s when it happens, the colour appears out of nowhere. I lost my rucksack and everything seemed lost, but I ended up with wonderful new clothes – the best clothes I had ever put on – and a can of beans that i enjoyed with Brad beside the campfire. When you dodge a bullet with your name written all over it, when you turn irrevocable misfortune into unprecedented win, when the most perfect outcome is writ in stone from you own misdeed and error – the colour appears and all the universe filters through its infinite, diamond lens. ————————– ———————- DOES IT EVEN HAVE A NAME YET? ——————————— What do I call this colour? Well, I named it in honour of the late Frank Drebin from Police Squad; a man who made every mistake in the book, but somehow, when Frank was around everything turned out for the best and sometime even better than that too. And when I see the colour, I always feel, like Frank Drebin – entirely debonair. So then it was just a matter of putting two and two together to come up with four and . . . Drebinair . . . I called the colour, Drebinair. ——————————- ————————— DOES BRAD’S WIFE EVEN KNOW ABOUT THIS? ———————————— Yes and yes. I told her already. She also knows: Drebinair: Just because it’s imaginary, it doesn’t mean it’s not real. Drebinair: like a cherry red, sunset orange, electric blue, luminous glow. Drebinair: like falling down the stairs and landing beside a box of delicious iced cupcakes. ———————– THE END.
Judge's Comment: As soon as I read this, I knew it would be near impossible to beat. Plenty of entrants wrote long verbose descriptions of their colour, and some were brilliant. But no-one took the time to write an epic 1000 word story, in character, in the shape and style of some bizzare, rugged Modernist poet. This entry was a true achievement. I even like the name - Drebinair.
Congratulations to the winners - get in contact with me at the usual email address - and thanks to absolutely everyone who entered. Well done folks.