The Pac-Man Dookie Epic, Now Digitally Remastered

This week marks my third anniversary with Kotaku, spending all of that as the site's weekend editor. In April 2008, on my third weekend here, my brother Fletch and I unloaded this post - "Two Brothers Meditating Upon Questions of Pac-Man," originally published April 19, 2008. A hypothetical calculation of Pac-Man's, er, metabolic functions, it became one of Kotaku's all-time humor classics. It's re-presented here, updated for the site's current design, with a gallery now featuring two alternate, unpublished images.

• • • My brother, Fletch, and I were 8 and 6 years old, respectively, when Pac-Man debuted. As this IM conversation demonstrates, to this day we approach the game with the same wide-eyed curiosity and emotional maturity as we did in 1980.

Tuesday, April 15

10:01:53 AM Owen: hey, pac-man question: how big were the dots and the energizers, in pixels

10:02:08 AM Fletch: You mean on the original video game screen?

10:02:16 AM Owen: yeah, 2x2 for dots, and roughly 8x8 for the energizers?

10:02:20 AM Fletch: i guess. I don't have bionic graphic measurement powers

10:02:37 AM Owen: I'm trying to figure how big a shit Pac-Man would take after one board.

(you've been warned...)

10:03:15 AM Fletch: Isn't this begging the rather obvious question of the location of pac-man's anus?

10:03:30 AM Owen: ...

10:04:21 AM Fletch: I'm betting Pac anatomy would confound human xenobiologists

10:04:24 AM Owen: o_O

10:05:06 AM Owen: OK now, normal digestion, how much gets metabolized, how much is dookie, rough percentages.

10:05:25 AM Fletch: dunno, never saw pac-crap

10:06:14 AM Owen: neither have i, stupe.

10:06:18 AM Fletch: do we assume Pac's GI tract is reg'lar? Getting enuf dietery fiber?

10:06:22 AM Owen: this is for mature, healthy, nonsmoking male pac-adult

10:06:30 AM Fletch: that's the only way the word 'mature' ever gets into this conversation

10:07:00 AM Fletch: BRB

10:10:41 AM Fletch: OK, there are 266 dots on a screen

10:10:50 AM Fletch: roughly 2x2, so 4 pixels per dot

10:10:53 AM Owen: you google that?

10:11:00 AM Fletch: no- found a screeencap of the whole board at wikipedia, so I counted em

10:11:05 AM Owen: got damn you hardco

10:11:56 AM Fletch: nowait, I miscounted- thought the board was quadrilaterally symmetrical, but its only bilateral

10:12:05 AM Owen: O_o

10:12:30 AM Fletch: Ok dot count is 240- x 4 pixels is 960

10:12:38 AM Owen: alright, now the ghosts

10:12:47 AM Fletch: ghosts don't count towards crap, they ghosts.

10:13:04 AM Owen: no, he consumes their ghost costume but not their eyeballs. it's roughage.

10:13:17 AM Fletch: THEY GHOSTS

10:13:30 AM Owen: "ghost-monsters" according to teh cartoon

10:13:38 AM Fletch: Cartoon ain't canon

10:13:46 AM Owen: o_O

10:13:56 AM Owen: fine fuck the ghosts.

10:14:09 AM Fletch: damn straight. Now: energizers are 9x9- minus 12 for the corners, so that's 69.

10:14:21 AM Fletch: x 4 equals 276

10:14:29 AM Owen: wat about cherries

10:15:07 AM Owen: you get two of those per board

10:15:08 AM Fletch: they ain't on my screengrab

10:15:16 AM Owen: well dammit find another

10:16:50 AM Fletch: OK 98 pixels for cherries x 2 is 196

10:17:05 AM Owen: OK so that's 960 pixels for the dots, 276 for the energizers, 196 for the two fruit. i get 1432 pixels total consumed. now, let's say it's one of those high speed versions like we played at the pizza hut. so he's burning a ton of calories, and all of this stuff is super nutritious. and plus he reserves some that he'll convert to mass for when he goes supersize to chase blinky at the first intermission. so all but 25 pct is left in his intestines. that leaves:

10:17:25 AM Fletch: 358 pixel pac turd. let's say 360. what's the square root of 360

10:17:34 AM Owen: uh ...

10:22:50 AM Owen Good went away

10:22:55 AM Fletch: ohfercrissake

10:22:56 AM Owen Good (auto response) I am away from my computer right now.

10:22:59 AM Owen Good came back

10:23:01 AM Owen: uhhhh ... 11?

10:23:22 AM Fletch: 18.97, Mister Maf.

10:23:28 AM Owen: close enough

10:23:35 AM Fletch: so let's call it a square 19 pixels on each side

10:23:37 AM Fletch: now how big is pac. I'm betting he ain't that big

10:23:52 AM Owen: 16x16 at the max.

10:23:59 AM Fletch: 14x14. plus his butthole has to be only two or three pixels wide

10:24:09 AM Owen: owwwwwwwwwww

10:24:30 AM Fletch: so it ain't gonna come out square, it's going to be a big long squirt-dookie

10:24:35 AM Owen: ( O ) ___ ( o)

(Wednesday, April 16)

From: Fletch [redacted]

Date: Wed, Apr 16, 2008 at 1:32 PM

Subject: Re: conversation

To: Owen Good [redacted]

attachments:

To scale, pixel for pixel. Nearly 2x Pac-Man's mass.

Note the reddened, chafed Pac-butt.

This must be why the ghosts have to walk slowly through the tunnel.

Later that day 13:40:28 PM Owen: lol blinky's all !!! omfg

13:40:33 PM Fletch: thanx

13:40:45 PM Owen: so i was trying to figure

13:40:49 PM Owen: what would the men's room look like after one round of Tapper

13:40:52 PM Fletch: I have to go now.

Images courtesy of Fletch Brendan Good


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