Reader Review: L.A. Noire

We've spoken about L.A. Noire quite extensively, we had a community review earlier this week. For that reason I was a little reluctant to post this reader review - but after reading it, I had to share. This is top notch work by Lamarr Buckshot - if that is your real name!

And the best reader review each month wins a Blu-ray pack courtesy of Madman.

L.A. Noire Noir Detectives aren’t stiffs sleeping the big sleep, we just have nothing to do. It’s all computer crimes these days and keyboards confuse us. We like it simple. Whiskey, six shot revolvers and dames so tipsy you can pour them right into bed. But if that life isn’t what your sweet disposition finds comfortable, L.A. Noire gives you a chance to be a gumshoe when you think that hardboiled violence is egging your former sweeheart’s house on her birthday.

Loved* *I don’t believe in love. It’s something dames use to rope you in and you under their thumb. But I liked these things about the game.

It’s real: L.A. Noire Plays it straight down the lane like an ex-two con out and settling down with a dame, keeping his nose clean, promising everyone that this time’s different. It’s all about the getaway sticks and oldsmobiles, investigating and keep yourself out of trouble. Don’t go thinking you can ride helicopters or stand upside down on a fighter jet in this game because you’ll becoming up drier than a Gin Manhattan. This is a detective game.

The world: Hysterical dames hardly ever burst through my doors. And most of the time it’s my mother and she’s complaining to me because her pension hasn’t gone into her bank account? Do I look like Centrelink? Look at this fedora. I’m a noir detective. I solve murders. The game gets that. It’s all Long Con Charlies looking for their next mark and Short Skirt Sallies looking to spend a sailor’s paycheck before he take three steps on dry land. The world breathes trouble, and is straight out of the best noir films.

Hated Interrogations: So you drag in the No Good Joe who did the deed. And he’s kicking and screaming like it’s the rapture and you sit him down in the chair, and talk to him. Real quiet like. Your boss watching through the dirty two way glass raises his glass of scotch and winks. He knows Bad Larry here will be swinging by sundown. You try to put the squeeze on em’ and you’re left with three options: Truth, Doubt and Lie. It has all the subtlety and nuance of a 45. bullet delivered to the skull of some wise talking street bookie who takes your last nickel and your hope with it. There’s no tactics. In my experience the B button should be “Slip your boss a wink and bring the No Good Jack down the holding cell and let the Mick uniforms have a quick five with him.” That’ll get him yapping his squawker like he was his fourth wife. She was the worst one.

Repetitive: In my experience the only good repeater is a Springfield 1903 spraying and rattling in your hands as old slippery Joe Rapist takes his last living breath cornered in a back alley that smells of piss, gunpowder and desperation. But L.A. Noire is always with the same thing. Car chase. Perp Chase. Car Chase. Perp Chase. It’s all the same after the first few cases. I might have Jack Daniels riding shotgun 23 hours a day, but I can still smell horseshit when it’s put up in front of me.

Conclusion: Don’t think I’m giving sass and give me a quick two on the lip. L.A.Noire is the cat’s satin pyjamas, but don’t think you’re going to be a hardboiled gumshoe just because you play this. Sweet Daisy Mae who just had her inheritance stolen needs a real detective. Not some chump sitting at home in mummy’s trench coat and a fedora he bought from Man 2 Man.


    Awesome!! :)

    Nice! Was a good read and now I'm off to look for those Daffy Duck cartoons where he's a detective: Can't wait to play this game!

    Excellent review, Buckshot, really conveys the mood of the game.

    I can't tell. Is the game good or not?

      I think they're saying the game world is a great place to be, but the actual gameplay parts are not that great.


    I agree wholeheartedly.

    Except for one mission at the end, involving a bulldozer, that was stupid and ruined the realism for me.

    It was boring, I had trouble finding the will to finish it.

    With reviews like this becoming more prevalent I'm definitely waiting for somewhere to have it on sale for something like 60-75% off.

    While I do agree, I didn't feel the repetition was all that bad. Maybe I just have a high tolerance, because I also like watching the same TV series' over and over. :P

    Anyway, the 40's setting is what really did it for me. I'd quite often 'borrow' someones parked car in-game and drive around for an hour listening to the old-time radio.

    While the interrogations could use some refining, I felt the Motionscan technology was used amazingly and the facial acting was great. Some people were terrible liars while others were quite difficult to figure out (I could never tell when Elsa was lying... :P).

    It's not perfect, but it's a big step in the right direction and I couldn't put it down.

    THAT IS BRILLIANT!!! Well done!
    However me thinks this will be a "wait for it to be on special" game for me...

    Agreed. Looked incredible. Boring as hell.

    I haven't finished it, but so far I've been pretty dissappointed with it in lots of ways. Maybe my expectations were too high, but I feel like the Cases solve themselves, are over really quickly, and don't seem to ask much of the player... at all.

    The interrogation gameplay is kind of broken in my opinion... you have to choose one of three options (Truth, Doubt, Lie) and then cross your fingers and hope that Phelps says what you actually intend for him to say... which is usually 2 out of every 10 times :-P

    Playing this game feels like a ton of great ideas and concepts that are all left at about 45% implemented. It seems like they're afraid to follow through and challenge the player.

    The freedom to investigate freely and without all the training wheels would have been a much more difficult and time consuming option, but it would have also been a lot more fun and engaging. To me, I feel like this game could be the precursor to a much greater one down the road.

    If the game that I wanted was a motorcycle, this one was a little girls pink bike with training wheels and pretty streamers.

    ... so it sounds like I'm ranting and hating this game, but I really do think it's decent. It's just frustrating to see so much potential and yet so little of it is actually realized.

    To enjoy L.A. Noire you need:

    - A decent attention span.

    To enjoy L.A. Noire you must eliminate:

    - Cynicism.

    The game is good, "BORING" to me is the lamest excuse you can give any game, not just this one. It's easy to see why some wouldn't enjoy the game and that's cool, just labeling it plain "boring" as a rule is silly. Enjoyment is subjective, not a rule.

Join the discussion!

Trending Stories Right Now