Everywhere I go, people come up to me and they ask me two questions. They say, “Duke, why are you great?” Then they say, “Duke, where have you been all my life or, at least, the last decade of my life.” Today I think it’s time to answer both those questions.
So here goes…
You know, I have a saying – with an enormous appendage comes great responsibility. The responsibility to make sure no good babe goes unfurnished. There’s so many hotties, and so little time – so the Duke has to prioritise.
First on my list back then was Monica Lewinski. I felt sorry for this broad. Once you’ve been served by the President – where do you go from there? My answer was obvious…
You get served by the King. Baby.
My liege…
But you know – from one player to another – I’ve got a lot of respect for you Mr President. It was goddamn pleasure stirring your porridge. Let me be clear on this one – I did have sexual relations with that woman.
But you know, life isn’t all about porking pretty ladies and smoking the President’s cigar, no sir. There comes a time when the Duke has to save the world – which I’ve done on numerous occasions. If my existence has proven anything it’s that every single problem mankind has ever had, or ever will have in the future, can be solved by aiming a big ass Rocket Launcher in its general direction.
You think it was all those nerds with their microscopes and lab coats that saved your sorry asses from the Y2K bug? Hell no. I did what any self respecting man would do when a bug approaches – I stomped on that little bastard, with copious amounts of ballistic weaponry. Y 2 the King baby.
If only Sony had the balls to come to me. They wouldn’t be in this mess right now…
So, the Duke helped out Monica, solved the Y2K crisis. Where to next? Well look, another President gave me the call, and while he wasn’t quite the player that Bill was, he was the President for Christ’s sake. President Bush asked me to go and kick Saddam Hussein’s ass, and I said sure – only if you let me go a few rounds with those hot daughters of yours.
It was a fair deal. You know what the Duke always says – a bird in both hands means you got plenty of bush. Actually, I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about. 
You know, the Duke has always enjoyed dabbling in politics. Especially when those politics allow me to combine my love of shooting people in the face with my love of hardcore pornography. So when that new fangled President Ballsack Mumbasa decided he wanted Bin Laden dead – I was the first to stick my hand up. I heard that horny bastard had a subscription to Penthouse, and it didn’t take me too long to find his stash. 
Bin Laden, you were a mean mother f***er, and I enjoyed putting bullets in your balls, but you sure as hell had a sweet porno collection. Vintage.
And, well folks, I think that about wraps it up! It’s been a rough bunch of years. I’ve had my ups and downs if you… know what I mean. I made the call to Gearbox, made Randy my Bitchford and, what do ya know, my game’s now in-store.
But seriously guys. Thanks for waiting. It’s been a while.
Now come get some.
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