Where I've Been And Why I'm So Great

Everywhere I go, people come up to me and they ask me two questions. They say, "Duke, why are you great?" Then they say, "Duke, where have you been all my life or, at least, the last decade of my life." Today I think it's time to answer both those questions.

So here goes...

You know, I have a saying - with an enormous appendage comes great responsibility. The responsibility to make sure no good babe goes unfurnished. There's so many hotties, and so little time - so the Duke has to prioritise.

First on my list back then was Monica Lewinski. I felt sorry for this broad. Once you've been served by the President - where do you go from there? My answer was obvious...

You get served by the King. Baby.

My liege...

But you know - from one player to another - I've got a lot of respect for you Mr President. It was goddamn pleasure stirring your porridge. Let me be clear on this one - I did have sexual relations with that woman.

But you know, life isn't all about porking pretty ladies and smoking the President's cigar, no sir. There comes a time when the Duke has to save the world - which I've done on numerous occasions. If my existence has proven anything it's that every single problem mankind has ever had, or ever will have in the future, can be solved by aiming a big ass Rocket Launcher in its general direction.

You think it was all those nerds with their microscopes and lab coats that saved your sorry asses from the Y2K bug? Hell no. I did what any self respecting man would do when a bug approaches - I stomped on that little bastard, with copious amounts of ballistic weaponry. Y 2 the King baby.

If only Sony had the balls to come to me. They wouldn't be in this mess right now...

So, the Duke helped out Monica, solved the Y2K crisis. Where to next? Well look, another President gave me the call, and while he wasn't quite the player that Bill was, he was the President for Christ's sake. President Bush asked me to go and kick Saddam Hussein's ass, and I said sure - only if you let me go a few rounds with those hot daughters of yours.

It was a fair deal. You know what the Duke always says - a bird in both hands means you got plenty of bush. Actually, I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about.

You know, the Duke has always enjoyed dabbling in politics. Especially when those politics allow me to combine my love of shooting people in the face with my love of hardcore pornography. So when that new fangled President Ballsack Mumbasa decided he wanted Bin Laden dead - I was the first to stick my hand up. I heard that horny bastard had a subscription to Penthouse, and it didn't take me too long to find his stash.

Bin Laden, you were a mean mother f***er, and I enjoyed putting bullets in your balls, but you sure as hell had a sweet porno collection. Vintage.

And, well folks, I think that about wraps it up! It's been a rough bunch of years. I've had my ups and downs if you... know what I mean. I made the call to Gearbox, made Randy my Bitchford and, what do ya know, my game's now in-store.

But seriously guys. Thanks for waiting. It's been a while.

Now come get some.


    I'll be the first in line to have my picture taken on your throne and view all your awards in your casino.


    President Ballsack Mumbasa..

      Man, that mde me laugh so hard. And yea, Bush's daughters are hot as. Lightened up my day this post, and got me in the mood to SMASH some duke tonight. Brint it on bitches. Ballsack Mumbasa, HA!, solid gold.

    So Duke why have you been so inactive on the plague of the modern world? I'm talking about the Kardashians, Jersey Shore, Bieber etc... When you gonna stomp on those talentless oxygen thieves?

    *slow clap*

    Bonus points for "Ballsack Mumbasa" and "a bird in both hands means you got plenty of bush."

    hail to the king, baby!

      +1 - Nice Job Duke... Is it wrong that I read this in the Rock's voice?

    Can't wait till the feminists grad a hold of this


    *Bound and gagged

    mmmmpppphhh mm mm mmmmpppphhffffff mmpph phhmmmmmfff mm mmmmm mmmphhhhhhhh MMPPHHHHH!!!

      FINISH HIM! Cut his f***ing head off!

        *Bound, gagged, shoudlers drooping.

        mmmmpher fffffmmmepher

          I'd help you buddy... but quite honestly?

          You bound and gagged is one of my all time favorite fantasies... here, let me tear up your shirt to reveal that sexy and oh so pallid chest of yours.

          Therrrre we go. Much better.

          Do any of you know why The Duke is The King?


          It's quite simple really. He dibsed it. He got off his butt and called it.

          While Mario was jumping on little brown hemorrhoids, while sonic was in rehab for a horrible ring addiction, and while the Bad Dudes were in the middle of explaining to their girlfriends just why they were wearing their frilly knickers, The Duke stood up and said "screw those pansies, i'm the king baby".

          And since that very day, the duke has been putting foot to ass for our country.

          Also for any country with enough porn, cigars and bubble-gum.
          You're welcome, Cuba.

          Even that steroid abusing chump, Marcus fen...phoen... phen.. feeen... howver the hell you spell his girly-ass bird name, hasn't has the huevos to stand up to the duke. He's too bitch-ass afraid that no amount of homo-erotic overtones are going to save his lady-ass from a express rocket delivery straight up the clacker, signed with hugs, kisses and pure testosterone from The Duke.

          In fact, no one has even ATTEMPTED to over throw the duke. Not even in his absence has anyone been brave, bold or STUPID enough to challenge the Duke.

          The King

          The Hero

          The Babies Daddy of every child out there

          Hail to the Mother-fkn-Duke, Baby!

    I see the marketing campaign is working ;)

    Normally these marketing campaign shit me to tears because it often compromises objective journalism.

    This one is amusing tho, I will be interested to see if the review of Duke Nukem is biased because of it.

    'DNF is perhaps the best game ever made, justifying 13 years of development. Game of the year? Game of the century!'

      hahaha as hillarious as that would be, i am still yet to see a biased review on (Australian) Kotaku.

      Plus most of the actual reviews you see are from the readers themselves, and Mark tends to only do "Impressions"...

      Not to be confused with "impersonations"

      ....Not to be confused with "female impersonator"

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