Gifts For The Boy You've Got A Crush On

OMG have you seen Justin? He's the hottest guy in class, but he's too busy talking about video games to notice me. Now it's Christmas, and I have to get his attention with the perfect gift, before that slut Amber gets to him.

God I hate Amber. With her hair and that stupid eyeliner. It's like she just pours the bottle on her face and wipes off anything that's not ugly. Does my hair look good like this? How bout this? I bet Justin will think it's hot.

OMG, Justin! I almost forgot! What do I get a gamer boy for Christmas?

A Gaming Date

He's a gamer. You'd like to be a gamer's significant other. There's a simple solution here: Play games with him. No, not the sort of games that end with him calling you on the phone every 30 minutes in tears; there's plenty of time for those. I'm talking about video games, the great equaliser / ice breaker. Not only does it get you some quality alone time in a darkened room, it'll also put him in a more comfortable place, which makes for a much more memorable first date. Just don't pull the whole crying when you're beaten at Tekken thing; we're onto that. Mostly free.

The Legend of Zelda Mints

Let's face facts here: a girl in high school giving a gamer a gift? There's no way he'll say no, but just in case it doesn't hurt to have Zelda on your side. Hidden beneath this tin replica of a Hylian Shield are some rather powerful little breath mints. It's the perfect way to say "I don't mind your gaming habit, and kissing is not out of the question." $US3.99.

This Fine-Ass Meat Bun Samba De Los Muertos Shirt

We used to have this guy working here named Michael McWhertor, and he runs t-shirt store called Meat Bun, specialising in the more subtle side of video game clothing; the sort of attire that you have to be a fan to understand. Not that McWhertor has moved on I no longer have to feel ever-so-slightly uncomfortable about telling people how amazing Meat Bun's shirts are. They are damn fine pieces of clothing, and this latest design, the Samba De Los Muertos shirt, is the best thing to come out of a Meat Bun since whatever it is the Japanese put in there. Meat, I'm guessing. $US24.

Campbell Whythe Original NES Print

Australian illustrator Campbell Whyte is creating custom prints representing each of the original 799 games for the Nintendo Entertainment System. If you know what that means, then all you have to do is explain to the gamer boy you've got your eye on that you know what that means and you're in. Otherwise pick an NES title that you feel fits your target's personality and let Mr Whyte load the chamber of your love gun with custom art. That may have been a completely inappropriate reference. Hopefully it will go over your head.$US50.

A Large Neon "I Want to Go Out With You" Sign

"Surely he can't be that oblivious?" Yes, yes he can. As a gamer teen I spent my days around some of the most attractive young women the early '90s had to offer, completely missing the subtle signs that they saw me as anything more than a friend. Things like snuggling up against my side when it was cold, giving me jewelry, or having me sleep over their house while their parents were out of town. You know, little things.

If any one of them had simply come out and said something, perhaps I wouldn't be writing this right now. Tampering with temporal physics is a slippery slope; best get it over with now to avoid any lingering regrets later. You don't want to be a 40-year-old woman looking up childhood boyfriends on Facebook when you grow up, do you? $US499.


    Fahey writes an article about sweet teen boy ass, and the header picture is some twinky kid. Duuuddee.

    haha, i think this article made my day...nawww for the girl who has a crush on a gamer boy, she's got an interesting road ahead of her if all things do go well.

    I found the introduction paragraph funny enough that I had to click the link to read the article, now I've got to delete history so people don't think I'm creepy. :D

    Damn that Amber slut, must be Amber Lamps.

    An article of Cracked calibre. Well done!

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