Reviews score eh? First there was the outcry over Eurogamer’s 8/10 Uncharted 3 review (a review that I personally really enjoyed reading) and then Gamespot’s 7.5/10 for Skyward Sword. Bloody review scores — everyone knows they’re broken. Kotaku reader and GameTaco stalwart Smoolander has some top notch ideas about how we change them!
We Need A New Review Score
Review scores are broken.
I know this because the internet told me, and the internet has never led me astray before. There are so many examples of broken reviews amongst the plethora of games recently released that I am currently going deaf due to the shrieking of “SHILL” on every second web page.
Many people have come out in defence of review scores, blaming the public for misunderstanding them, and others have pointed the finger at the clearly biased people who assign them. Undeniably, to any partial observer, this whole situation is now a complete catastrophe that if left unchecked will tear a hole in the very fabric of space and suck the entire internet into it.
Some people have tried to offer helpful suggestions as to how to fix the problem – Matt at Australian Gamer provided some advice to assist dodgy reviewers – yet everything that has been put forward still relates to the current method of scoring games.
This is a vicious scenario and for the gaming community to fix it we need to take drastic action. We need to throw out the current way we rate a game and devise a new fool proof rating scheme that will be above criticism. While everyone has been throwing pointless arguments into the void, thankfully I have been formulating new methods that will be above reproach.
Now we only need to agree which of the three perfect systems should be adopted and all our issues on the internet will be solved.
The Orwellian Score Named after the brilliant man himself, George Orwell, this scoring system ensures that everybody will be happy. Using a patented 10 to 15 point rating scale, it acknowledges that every game is perfect, but some games are more perfect than others.
Even if another game scores higher than your new favourite game, your new favourite game is still perfect. Nobody loses. Publishes are happy, fans are happy, and reviewers can’t possibly get it wrong.
The Sir David Attenborough Score Sir David Attenborough is a highly respected man throughout the world, and it is obvious the love that he has for the animals and vegetation of this planet. So what better way to score games than by implementing a system that would be equally as respected and loving as Sir Attenborough?
No more howls of derision when a game “only” receives an 8/10, instead everyone will be required to look at games in the same loving way that Sir Attenborough looks at nature and assign each game the score of an animal. In scientific terms.
“I award this game an Archinida Scorpionida”. “This game is nothing short of a Camelus Camelidae”.
This scoring system includes the bonus of Sir David Attenborough narrating video reviews of games himself. How can this not be the perfect method that we should adopt?
The Healthy Score Similar to the Sir David Attenborough scoring system, this review method will adopt a much healthier approach to game scores and remove those negative stereotypes about gamers being unfit and overweight.
We’re all encouraged to consume five serves of vegetables and two serves of fruit each day by nutritionists. What better way to achieve this than to rate every game with a vegetable or fruit. Your game playing each day contributes to your health.
There would be nothing more exciting than reading a two thousand word review only to see a conclusion of “This game thoroughly deserves a Cumquat” or “The game has some faults but it really is a Passion Fruit”.
This scoring method also has the added benefit of receiving the National Heart Foundations “Tick of Approval”. Anytime your Mum or partner complains about the time spent playing games, just hold up that game box and point out the big red tick on the front and proclaim “I’m just being healthy”.
There they are. Three perfect methods for scoring games that could not possibly contain any flaws. Now we just need to act in the civilised manner that is so common on the internet and decide which of these should be adopted by the gaming community.