Skyrim Is Teaching Your Kids 'Homo Erotic Sex Manoeuvres'

You may look at Skyrim through the lens of a person who likes video games. Or as someone with an interest in fantasy, or Nordic mythology, or even the structure of game design. I bet you've never looked at it through the lens of a fake conservative Christian columnist.

Parody site Christwire has, and their breakdown of the game is a fascinating, hilarious one.

The Dragonborn is a terrorist. Creating your character is "the liberal's way of teaching our kids that modifying and gender changing one's self is fun and normal". And once that's done and you're out in the big world? You're free to "spend the next 400 hours robbing people, killing villagers, crafting sexual items, fornicate with elves and other Harry Potter style animals and also learn how to conjure up black magic."

What's best, and even more prescient than the homophobia, is the platform and developer ignorance, which reads so much like one of these stories would actually read it's frightening. Skyrim isn't called an RPG, it's called an "MMORPG first person shooter", while developers Blizzard released the game on "PlayStation 1,2 or 3, Gamecube or XBox 360 Live Kentic".

Worth a read for a chuckle, but be warned, there's enough use of the word "Skyrimjob" that it might not be safe for work.

Is Skyrim Teaching Your Children How to Perform "Rim Jobs" and Other Homo Erotic Sex Maneuvers? [Christwire]


Comments

    HAHAHAHAHAHHAA.............................. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA :|

    Fox News panel contributer right there.

      Hey, I like Fox News. Bill's my man.

    "Do you feel like a Homosexual after playing Skyrim?" Best question ever.

    Surely that's a parody site. Surely.

      "Parody site Christwire"
      "Parody site"
      "Parody"

        Oh, right. :P tbh I usually only skim read half of Kotaku US's articles because it's just copy paste from the source anyway...

      Don't call me Shirley.

      (That only work out loud?)

        Out loud?

        Surely you can't be serious?!?

    Oh my gosh, a religious parody website? Best thing since sliced bread for a laugh.

      You laugh at bread

    The comments on the article...can't tell if more trolls or if people are really that stupid.

    I don't know what to think...

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        What a welcoming, inclusive attitude

          If you ever get the chance to watch the documentary "God on my Side" with Andrew Denton, it's a bit of a shock. It's also worth noting that although Christianity is a major influence in America, the people in the documentary are borderline extreme.

          Also, I recommend Louis Theroux- America's most hated family. I picture them writing something like Christwire.org's articles.

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    Oh c'mon ... it's obviously - well not obviously - but it's clearly not real.

    D – Dirty
    O – Orifice
    V – Violation
    A – Always
    H – Hurts
    K – Keep
    I – Injecting
    I – It
    N – Naiant

    ...words cannot express

    Hahaha looks like kotaku exposure has broken the site, nice. Perhaps they can post a followup article claiming it was a DOS attack by the gay mafia to suppress the truth

    Since I can't read the site I'm going to take a wild guess and say "its scary how hard it is to distinguish that from the real sites of this nature"

      Hehe just managed to load it and yep, my guess was spot on

    Some of the peoples comments on that site seem to think the site is serious.

    haha, this is actually kind of impressive. So many times people who don't play games totally confound me when they jump in with an uninformed or just completely unfounded opinion or critique. I'm not sure I could reproduce that sort of thing if I tried :-P

    I was having a conversation with my cousin during Thanksgiving and we were swapping Skyrim stories. My mother is eavesdropping as mothers tend to do and when I mentioned that I had 'killed a sabre cat tiger thing' she gasped loudly and said "When? Why would you do that? That's terrible!"
    After some laughter from my cousin and I we explained that it was a video game and she immediately acted as though we had wasted her time by simply having our conversation :-P Though I was slightly flattered that she thought I was capable of winning a fight with a Tiger...

    The site looks a bit too professional to be pass off as anything but a parody.

    Real Christian fundamentalist reviews look more like the movie reviews on this site: http://www.capalert.com/capreports/

    Skyrimmer is a running joke with my friends

    Thank goodness for that, means I don't have to.

    “spend the next 400 hours robbing people, killing villagers, crafting sexual items, fornicate with elves and other Harry Potter style animals and also learn how to conjure up black magic.” = IM SOLD!!!!

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