Kotaku Kristmas Giveaways: Bastion

Christmas is long gone, New Year is but a memory. But the festivities continue on Kotaku, thanks to Chuloopa and his band of Kotaku elves. Today he's giving away copies of Bastion!

Take it away Chuloopa!

Oh glorious days of glorified glorious glory! That's probably not a proper sentence and i'm Chuloopa! I have free stuff!

Not really your ordinary introduction to a competition, but i'm really quite excited. Bastion just happens to be my favorite Indie title of last year. So, you know, i'm giving it away. To you guys. FOR FREE.

That's right, courtesy of the FANTASTIC people over at Supergiant Games, i have 3 copies of their multiple award-winning game, Bastion.

If you're one of the scant few that still haven't played this game, then now is your chance to dive into what is, in my opinion, on of the greatest indie titles i have ever had the honor of playing in my life. From the art, to the music, to the EXCELLENT voice over work, everything about this game is just pure brilliance.

what do you have to do to win your very own copy of Bastion for steam? It's simple, really. One of the best things about Bastion is the husky-voiced narator, as seen in the launch trailer above. What i want you to do is to explain something REALLY mundane in your day-to-day life, in the style of a Bastion narration. I also want you to mention 'the Calamity' at least once. This can be anything. Getting a coffee. Making your breakfast. Sending a fax. Just make it entertaining.

The best 3 entries take a copy of the game!

Good luck, ladies and gents!

Drop your answers in the comments below and we'll announce the winners next week!

Terms and conditions can be found here.


    The Kermi stepped out of the elevator, fumbled around for his security pass. He kept looking. It must be here, he didn't take it out of his bag, did he? Eventually it was found, and he grimaced as he looked at the photo of his waxen face, hair askew, tie crooked, the worst ID photo of all time. He stepped forward to swipe it, looking at his reflection in the glass door, his waxen face, hair askew, his crooked tie. What a handsome devil.

    Moving into the office he rebounded off the wall once, twice, thr- no, he avoided the third bounce and preserved of of his dignity. Today Kermi's BOSS would be back in the office and performance reviews are this week. Is Kermi late? No, can't be. He can hear The Boss' voice a couple of offices down from where he's standing, his own desk just on the other side of the glass partition flaked with crusted on imitation snow left over from Christmas almost three weeks ago.

    Kermi pauses, checks his phone. Sure enough, it's 8:55. Sure, it ain't gonna win any awards, but at least he avoids the Calamity - he's not going to roll in at 9:15 like the girl at the adjacent desk. Man, she just doesn't care about nothin'.

    Damn, it's 8:57 already. What was Kermi thinking, wasting this time worrying about. Just walk on over there. The Boss is on the phone, so Kermi can be logged in and checking your email before he knows what's what.

    Kermi sits at his desk, powers on his PC as he kicks his backpack under the desk. Damn place looks like a bomb hit it. Was all this work really here on Friday? Why was Kermi wasting that time on Twitter instead of clearing this stuff out? It's possible we'll never know. What's in the past is best left there, there's a long week ahead.

    The login prompt. What was the password again? It was a gaming reference, but LotusNotes security is so picky Kermi had to scramble it something vicious to make it acceptable. Kermi was playing Gears of War 3 the last time there was a password change. Kermi types in jac1nt0#. No good.

    No, there was a forced password change on Friday. Kermi had to come up with something new. What was it now Kermi, think! It was definitely still related to games. Deus Ex keeps floating into the forefront of the Kermi's mind, and he remembers being inspired by the attempts at office security and his own shameless attempts at bypassing them. Kermi tries Deus3x!HR. Still no good.

    Kermi fiddles with his coffee cup irritably, wanting to get that first dose of caffeine into his body. Instant coffee might taste like dirt, but damn, it can perk you up first thing, especially when you skip breakfast - Kermi always skipped breakfast.

    There! Under the coffee cup, a note scrawled on a post-it. The password! It certainly is Deus Ex related, so he wasn't far off. Kermi would've got there eventually, he assures himself. Kermi reflects woefully that this kind of behaviour would probably have made him easy prey for the office bandit in Deus Ex, and resolves to destroy the post-it as soon as he is sure he's remembered the password. But not today. Not today.

    getting up in the morning... a sad tale by me...

    And just like that... the alarm went off...
    i noticed that certain parts of me was already up... damn being a man...
    i stumple out of bed, to take my morning wizz... but just like the Calamity i did the job quick... but i missed a few spots didn't i... besides, if it hadn't been for the calamity, i would not have discovered the $10 that must've slipped out of the pocket of the previous person to use this facility (read but then i found $10)

    the end

    His business concluded, he began to wipe. Wipe away the dirt and indignation. Wipe away the smear of regret. But some things refused to just be wiped away; some stains are forever.

    Read: He wiped after pooping, but missed a spot.

      you forgot to mention the calamity - you might want to re-submit ;)

      His business concluded, he began to wipe. Wipe away The Calamity. Wipe away the dirt and indignation. Wipe away the smear of regret. But some things refused to just be wiped away; some stains are forever.

      Maybe you meant to write it like this? ;)

        oddly, yes. It seems I forgot to write my third wipe clause. Allow me to try again:

        His business concluded, he began to wipe away all traces of the Calamity. Wipe away the dirt and indignation. Wipe away the smear of regret. But some things refused to just be wiped away; some stains are forever.

        PS: "The Calamity" can be views as being a particularly messy poo.

    Gentleman sits down, turns on his computer, makes a hefty sigh and gets to work. Now things never used to be like this, that is before the calamity anyway.

    Life was simpler back then, no worries or cares, Just friends, goodtimes, plenty of drink and we could always hear song in our heart. These days however, all we can hear is the clickety clack of the rusty old keyboard sounding like some train that just doesn't know where to stop. Yeah...the clamaity changed things alright.

    Are we better off? Who knows, maybe. What we do know though is if that train stops it's clickety clackin', we're gunna be left at that station drinkin' nothing but dreadrum just waiting for another train to come. So he sits there and keeps on going like a train that never stops.

    (Disclaimer: I've alredy got it, on PC and XBOX, loved it that much, so if for some reason I were to win it would go to a needy soul who hasn't played it).

    Brush. Rinse. So long overdue, isn't it... From the tongue to the gums. My breath, it's like the Calamity. The toothpaste did the job quick. But it missed a few spots, didn't it. Besides, there's mouthwash, chock full of freshness. This arsenal packs enough fluoride to remind the oral cavity who's boss each morning.

    Kid woke up late again. Too late, again. Stays abed for a spell, readin' papers about the Calamities of the world: celebrity diets and who's havin' lunch with whom.
    He can see the street out the window. Garbage truck's just gone past, can't reach it now. Guess he can live with the trash from the New Year's party for one more week.
    Walks through to the remains of the kitchen. Cockroach bombs just ain't strong enough for this place: little fellas burrow up out of the ground, drawn to this place's core of stale beer and half-eaten steak. Hunts around for a while, finds some spirits that he saves for later. Finds what he's huntin' for; some bread bought by an old pal, all turned to dust now. Squirts have got to it.
    Kid just ain't strong enough for this kinda Calamity. Never see it written up in those papers, but it's beaten him, good and proper. He goes back to bed.

    The Guy opens up Kotaku. He can see there's a new competition. Aint that grand. He reads the conditions. Gotta wright somethin. Somethin mundane. Gotta be in the style of the narator from Bastion. Gotta mention the Calamity. The Guy think it seems easy enough. But he's been wronge before. Pretty soon, he starts clackin on the keyboard. "The Guy opens up Kotaku. He can see there's a new competition...."

      Sorry for the double post. Clicked submit before it was ready.

    The Guy opens up Kotaku. He can see there’s a new competition. Aint that grand. He reads the conditions. Gotta write somethin'. Somethin' mundane. Gotta be in the style of the narator from Bastion. Gotta mention the Calamity. The Guy thinks it seems easy enough. But he’s been wrong before. Pretty soon, he starts clackin on the keyboard. “The Guy opens up Kotaku. He can see there’s a new competition….”

    All the money.... Gone... Just like that. From the Ivy to the Eastern, the money just seemed to disappear along with happiness..... But it missed a few spots, didn't it.
    Besides, If it weren't for that calamity, we wouldn't have a camera full of pictures of the finest women. A facebook full of jealousy from friends because that one girl let you make out with her drunk-- A feat to remind your homies who's boss.... Or even that empty mcdonalds wrapper, in case you somehow forget how big of a mess you were last night.

    The Calamity [of the night], gave us something else, A STORY..... That may not sound like much................. Well, wait till you hear it.

    "The Calamity drew close. But our hero was oblivious. With a swing of his mighty sword he slayed his hundredth dragon. He placed his tongue on his bloody iron sword and smiled at the bloody sight of his bloody victory. Then it happened. The noise was unbearable. He opened up his eyes and cried in frustration. For it was time. To get up and go to work."

    Without a word of a lie, this actually happened to me this morning! Yes i know, im a twisted psychopath. :)

    Hey, I just finished Bastion after picking it up half off for the end of year LIVE arcade sale... which was the only thing I bought because there wasn't much else.

    LAX is the name of the place but that ain't it's nature. Bright lights and dim people, a big expensive waiting room.

    It's a city of gates, and this one's beeping. The Passenger's got nothing to hide but guilt is a funny thing, a man can wear it like a mask without feeling it.

    The guard of the singing gate calls The Passenger over. A wizard with a magnetic wand and a crewcut, he passes it over The Passenger, hands-on wherever the wand cries wolf. Seems this is the way of things since The Calamity.

    Finally the groping ends, the wand falls silent, The Passenger moves onward into smaller and smaller rooms, ending locked away in a metal bubble high above it all.

      My vote goes to this one. Well written with a great use of metaphor and wordplay.

    First thing he saw as he opened the door was the green, overgrown grass. Sprouting outta the ground, sprawled across the wet, brown soil. One's beauty is another's horror, and the Kid was lookin' at a Nightmare; after being locked away in the dark, entranced by a glowing screen for a whole week, the Silent, the Calamity, had finally struck.

    The stuff has to be cut. As he opens the door to the shed, the smell of dust and grease fills the air. Breathing in slowly, he makes his way to the Mower. It looked old and rusty. Years of neglect would've have left it like this, but it had only been a few weeks. The Kid looked up, and noticed a rusty crack in the wall. Water was drippin' in. Like all the other cracks in our lives, this crack had to be fixed. As with the rest of us, the Kid had finally learnt of the cold cunning of the Calamity the hard way.

    He drags the hulk of metal outta the shed, and starts the motor. The smell of gas and motor oil would make anyone sick. The Silence is broken... But the Kid's spirit is too, as he stares at the vast overgrown field... It's always an Eye for an Eye.

    The Calamity had struck.

    im game

    "the kid gets up, eyes a box across the room. opens it nice and easy. grabs a bag of chips, rips em open, makein a mess to rivial the calamity. kid sits back down and counts the chips. you know how many he had left? only 5."

    As he began to type out his answer to the Kotaku competition his fingers began to sweat. He stopped for a moment. Two, three moments went by. He was fixed on the keyboard with no answer, nothing to write but mundane words. He slowly started to type and made a typo - that'll need fixing.

    There, it was fixed. Back to typing more useless words. It wasn't his best work, that's for sure. It was the Calamity all over again. No saving it now. His thumb hovers over the Enter key and hesitates. He thinks about putting in an over-blown internet meme in for good measure. No, that'd just be desperate. Ahh yes, it's time to press Enter and hope for the best.

    He enters another competition and begins looking for more competitions on other websites to enter that he doesn't have a snow flakes chance in hell of winning. That'll learn him.

    "Kid looks down in the murky waters, andhe sees the horror of the Calamity he brought down upon them. Mother, Kid can't even flush."

    The Kid opens the door, immediately he is blinded by a bright light, The Calamity? I don't think so, it's just the Sun. He wanders on down through the grass down to the box, wary of it's contents he opens it slowly. Looks like more bills, The Kid has the look of disappointment all over his face, like a bear that misses the salmon.

    Kid finally finds his keys. Everythings been missing lately, ever since the Calamity. He stares down at his shoes and wonders why. The door slams behind him, a little too fast, a little too loud. Kid doesn't wake anyone though, no one around since the Calamity. He starts the engine, it growls in protest, it's far too early.
    But the Kid knows in ten mintues he'll be awake, even after the Calamity, a Kid's gotta work.

    The kid opens Kotaku, on one of them PCs with the interwebs. Damn machines I never understood them myself. *coughs* sorry it's not my story I'll continue

    The kid sees a new competition. He sighs, his heart is heavy, he has never won a competition before. Why, why, why!!! he cries. His best effort was second place, behind some broad called Calamity Jane.

    Yes Calamity jane, she's got a movie but she still felt the urge to take away the one chance the kid had at winning.

    The kid calms himself. He will win this time he thinks to himself as he reads the requirements. An hour passes and finally the kid gets an idea which he tells no one lest he loses again. The kid quickly writes down his entry and he is satisfied.

    Unfortunately the kid didn't know I was watching and I saw his entry. It was simple but I have to admit the kid's scheme was brilliant. He knew the competition was courtesy of chuloopa- a weird dude prominent on the Kotaku message boards and that chuloopa appreciated the warhammer brand made by the games workshop. With this knowledge the kid referenced the CALAMITY board game also made by games workshop hoping this would win him the prize.

    It was ass kissing if you ask me but damn wasn't I impressed and to top it off the kid googled calamity and included the words

    disaster - misfortune - catastrophe - distress - plague

    in his entry, all synonyms of the word calamity just to be sure he would win.

    I smiled at the kid's cunning plan and I waited with him hoping he would win. If he didn't it would bring the calamity which would rock Kotaku forever.

    THE CALAMITY oops i meant...

    THE END.

    This is a story all about how The Kid's life got twist turned upside down. Take a minute just sit right there. This is how the calamity messed up The Kid's hair.

    Everything... Gone... Just like that... The dream was over. Eyes openning and rolling out of bed. Besides, if not for the calamity that is my life I wouldn't have a draw choc-filled with the finest whiskey. Grabbing a glass and trying to stop the voices in my head from telling me to do something about my arsonal, packing enough heat to remind the boss who's boss.
    Glass after glass I try to drown myself. Slapping myself shouting God is dead. This is my story. May not sound like much, well, wait till you hear it...

    Not mundane, but really is my day-to-day life... I need help...

    Kid steps out of the elevator. Fumbles around a bit, 'til he finds the damn contraption.
    Door opens. Steps inside, feelin' a familiar sense of foreboding.
    Drops off his lifelong pal, that faithful rucksack of his, by his.
    Rolls on over to the kitchen. Then, the calamity strikes.
    The cupboard door opens. There it sits, silently, mockingly.
    There's no more kinds of coffee left. Just the one.
    The jar of Blend 43, sits there, alone, triumphantly.

    It was seven a.m., he was waking up in the morning. He had to be fresh and go downstairs. He felt it was necessary to have his bowl and his cereal, preferably Power Grain. Seein' everything, the time is goin'. Where? He doesn't no. He supposes it is tickin' on and on, and notices that everybody's rushin'. He needs to get down to the bus stop needs to catch his bus, but then he sees his friends so he decides to skip school and get wasted with his friends.
    He's kickin' in the front seat and sittin' in the back seat. He's gotta make his mind up: Which seat can I take? (Even though there is only 1 remaining seat in the car, he still can't decide). It was such a the calamity, being unable to choose a car seat, maybe he won't be able to ruin his education and he might go to school :/

    Everything......gone, just like that.
    From the fridge to the cupboard.
    You have to hand it to the calamity, it certainly cleaned out anything edible in the house.
    But it missed a few spots, didn't it?
    Besides, if it weren't for the calamity I wouldn't have found that packet or oreo's, stuffed with chocolatey goodness, chili sauce, packin enough heat to remind my colon who's boss.
    Or even those 3 month old cans of tuna, just to see if I got food poisoning or not.
    The calamity gave me something else.
    That may not sound like much, well, wait til' you smell it

    kid gets out of bed...sleep still in eyes
    his pointer finger ventures towards the spot of iritation
    after a breif calamity his eye sight returns to normal
    he stumbles towards his computer, still groggy from his sleep
    computer starts up...kid waits..twiddles his thumbs
    consciouness slowly returning in full
    kid starts up steam, the process is slow...nothing out of the oridnary
    he checks his wish list bastion still perched at the top
    he's read so much about it, no wonder its so high on the list
    a quick check of his inbox fails to yeild a bastion gift code
    kid trudges up stairs, he's off to work
    dissapointment in his heart and bastion on his mind
    he wonders if...will he ever get to play it?

Join the discussion!

Trending Stories Right Now