Kotaku Kristmas Giveaways: Orcs Must Die

Kotaku Kristmas Giveaways: Orcs Must Die

Christmas is long gone, New Year is but a memory. But the festivities continue on Kotaku, thanks to Chuloopa and his band of Kotaku elves. Today he’s giving away copies of Orcs Must Die!

Take it away Chuloopa!

So now we come to the last of our community prizes before the majaor prize tomorrow. It’s hard to think it’s almost over, but it is! It’s been a crazy month or so, that’s for sure.

‘Loops here, in case you didn’t already know, and i have a fantastic prize up for grabs, and this one is DEFINITELY a bigun’.

The Team over at Robot Entertainment have given me, to give to you, 3 sets of Steam codes, not just for their over-the-top-awesome game, Orcs Must Die, but also for all the DLC and a couple of exclusive costumes that aren’t available for purchase anywhere!


Lets have a closer look at Exactly what you get:

-Orcs Must die – Core game -Artifacts of Power DLC -Lost Adventures DLC -Knight of the Order Pre-Order Costume -Cardboard Tube Samarai PAX ’11 Exclusive Costume


Man these guys have been generous!

What do you have to do to win?


I want you, in 25 words or less, come up with a reason why Orcs should die? They seems friendly enough. Drop your entries in the comments below!

Terms and conditions can be found here and we’ll announce the winner next week!


  • hey mark – you said i’m giving away copies of bastion.. and none of my links seem to be present in the article?

  • Orcs must die because im the only filthy slobbering animal that’s meant to be on Kot au! Let the slaughter begin!

    Tee Hee.

  • Stupid Orcs in their stronghold east of Windhelm, you sit on top of the only damn ebony mine in Skyrim. Screw your fetch quest, Die.

  • Look, I’m not racist or nuthin’ but those Orcs are a bad sort. It’s in the blood.

    They show up out of nowhere, in their feeble imitation of a horde and start destroying everything in their path.

    That’s our job dammit!


    The Shambling Masses of the Zombie Nation

    P.S. Took our jerbs!

  • Orcs must not die. They are to be detained by taxpayers in orc detention until we can verify their names and orc clans.

  • I’m jealous of their huge muscles, their radiant green skin, those perfectly brown teeth, that matted, greasy hair


    I mean, Kill them all!!

  • What do you know of orcs, Billy?

    No, not the stories you have heard, nor the tales of their slaughter told around the campfire. What do you, Billy, know of orcs?

    You are young, I would not expect you to know the whys and wherefores of the Orc, nor the circumstances leading to their deaths.

    Orcs are not so different from you and I, Billy. They care for their young, and for the first few years of their lives, Orclets are playful and carefree. They would not be out of place playing with your baby sister, truth be told.

    Have you ever seen an Orc, Billy? Have you seen their defining features? Their dark green, hardened skin; their heavy brows and deep set eyes; their enlarged snouts and protruding tusks? Yes, you have seen all these things – but have you ever asked why?

    I’ve done a lot of research on the whys for Orcs, young Billy. Their green skin is resistant to the sun, yes, but it is not a blessing – oh no, it is slowly ticking timebomb of a curse. Have you heard of the greenhouse effect? It is when heat enters a planet and is trapped, unable to escape. Orcs suffer from a malady known as the “Greenskin effect”, where their bodies, a few years after birth, slowly start to absorb heat and are unable to expel it like you or I would. Their snouts enlarge to provide some comfort, their mouths widen, their bodies become squat – all natural defences to try and expel as much heat as possible while absorbing less.

    But it is never enough, Billy. Never enough.

    Over the years, the heat builds up, mutating their bodies and slowly driving them insane. Have you ever been in a tent on a roasting hot day? Ever felt irritable due to the heat? Ever felt like you would tear off your own skin for a brief escape from the heat? Imagine that, only tenfold, slowly building over the decades, and what effect it would have on you.

    This heat madness drives the older orcs. In their irritability, they find fault with us and our kind, not through jealousy, but through a desperation for a release from their eternal torment. They breed, they rut, they increase in numbers because that is the only joy that remains in their poor, unfortunate lives.

    And they hunger. Not for food, not for war. For death.

    And so they come. They throw themselves at us, longing for the sweet release that death can offer them – the cool grip of the grave, finally providing mercy from their biological hell.

    The Orc is a proud beast – they feel their rational minds slipping over the years due to the heat madness, and they try to stave off the inevitable. But eventually, death is the only solution – but they would not see themselves slaughtered as cattle, oh no. The only noble death they can obtain is through battle, and it is the least we can do to provide them a dignified death.

    And so they come. To die.

    Do not hate the Orc, young Billy. Do not decry his brutish visage, nor scorn his intellect. In truth, they endure more than any of us could, or could ever know. Were they not to die, they would slowly overrun the fruits of nature, and kill every last living thing on the planet – not by design, but as an effect of their growth.

    And so they die, to protect that which scorns them and fears their presence. Praise the Orc, Billy, for his sacrifice.

    And so, young Billy, the Orcs must die….

    *cue dodgy C-grade sci-fi movie crescendo, camera zooms in on speaker’s face, showing determined, respectful, but remorseful eyes*

    …so that we might live.

    • Wow.

      And in order to make your entry valid (25 words or less) I’ve taken the liberty of editing for you:

      “….snippety snip…something so amazing if people read it they’ll explode into stardust….the Orcs must die…
      …so that we might live.”

      • It was fun to write!

        Hmm, if the edit doesn’t work, I can say that *technically* my entry is the part starting with “Orcs must die….” and the rest is preamble!

  • tell you what, how bout ‘you’ tell me when they shouldn’t? i can’t think of one time that they in fact ‘don’t’ die.

    Case made

  • Orcs SHOULD die because I put a crossbow bolt through their chest. As for why they sometimes don’t… well, I’m not sure.

  • Because they explode out of wine bottles, and hit people in the face, which is hilarious, but could hurt someone… wait, you said orcs?

  • i think orcs must die because the bringing down the economy taking money from hard earning people with there black markets yes i get my games cheaper from them then eb sure they have some blood stains of eb staff

  • ORCS Must die, mainly because according to W40k Lore they’re plants right? and guys needs their vegies… SO EAT UP

  • Orcs don’t just leave hair in the shower. They moult and their shed skin reproduces. I’ve seen goblins crawling out of the soap. Not cool.

  • Orcs must die because if they don’t, Robot Entertainment would go BROKE! Followed by Bethesda, Sucker Punch, Bungie and every other major developers!

  • I wanted to make a poem for you Kotaku but the 25 words thing is a killer, So I have made a Haiku. Enjoy!

    Orcs must die, but why?
    Dumb and ugly warriors
    Not easy being green

  • When Orcs die, their bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so we are all connnected in the great Circle of Life.

  • You guys are going about this all wrong. Why do you assume we are the ones killing the Orcs?

    “Orcs must die, because they are but mere mortals. We need not kill them, for time will take care of that by itself”.

  • The main reason orcs must die is to stop them saying:

    *insert best orc voice*

    Every 5 F***ing seconds.



    • And of course that should read:

      They are a 1 hit die creature. Perfect for a new party to cut their teeth in the world of adventuring.

  • They should die because their a bunch of lazy peons, who say they will work but take forever to get anything done.

  • Orcs must die because they managed to keep all those *hilarious* arrow to the knee jokes out of this comment section.

  • Because if there were no ‘orc’s, instead of being forced to come to work I’d be fed to come to work. That’s wordplay yo.

  • Orcs must Die because they:
    – Purposely start flame wars
    – Never post anything useful
    – Make a Moderators life Hell

    No, wait that Trolls

  • Orcs killed Boromir. Sure, he seemed like a dick, but he was only trying to make his father proud. Something we all want. =(

  • Orcs must die because they’re different. We don’t like what we don’t understand, in fact, it scares us, and these monsters are mysterious at least.

  • Cull the orcs, leaving the smaller ones to breed getting sleeker until we are left with green chicks I’d be happy to go Captain Kirk on

  • Orcs must die because they’re ex’s of my new girlfriend, Ramona. Oh, and they’re evil, and they attacked first.

    those blistering bumbling bamboozlers get blown, burnt and frozen way to much, they suffer to much
    put them out of their misery

  • Orcs should die because “orc” sounds like “awk.” So when someone says “awks” (as in ‘awkward’), I always look around expecting to see orcs…

  • Orcs must die because we can not allow such perfect beings to plot against the very existance of mankind. Their intelligent minds and sheer numbers pose on humanity are enormous.

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