Welcome to the first weekly instalment of Freaky Fan Art, an exploration of the peculiar, bizarre and downright peculiar places gamers' imaginations take them after the end credits roll. This week, Sonic the Hedgehog gets stuck in the toilet, cuddles the prince of the beasts, and finally grows a pair.
Why do fan artists love Sonic the Hedgehog? I'm gonna toss credit to the distinctive style designer Naoto Ōshima gave his creation, with simple elements easily ported to other animal types. Just look at my own Twitter icon. A decade ago I adopted the internet handle Bunnyspatial after an odd fellow at a Dragon*Con slapped a sticker on me that read 'Bunny Special'. The name stuck, and I spent a couple hundred dollars commissioning a Sonic-style rabbit to be my digital representation.
So when I comb through the internets searching for Sonic fan art, I'm not looking at freaks, perverts, or deviants (do deviant artists count?). I'm look at fans that, like me, fell in love with the character and the art design. Some of them just took things a bit too far.
Take this piece for deviant artist Monakokko. Monakokko does some amazing work, capturing the true essence of Sega's beloved characters in all sorts of different situations. I truly mean that. When I've had occasion to imagine Sonic the Hedgehog pausing to take an enormous shit, this is exactly how I pictured it in my mind.
But, Fahey, how do you know Sonic is actually doing number two? Maybe he just tripped and fell onto the toilet, getting stuck in the process! OK, you want to play imagination games? I'm imagining the toilet is a costume Sonic makes Amy Rose wear when he wants to **** in her *****. You really don't want to play imagination games with me.
I know what you're thinking. Where is all the Sonic hentai? Finding freaky hentai is easy, and we're running a relatively clean show here. I'd rather post images like this pseudo t-shirt advertisement I dug up on Fanpop. Here we have Sonic, Shadow and Silver standing around talking about t-shirts. In case you couldn't figure it out, the artist has labelled the piece 'Shirt Talk'.
Am I being marketed to? I cannot tell. More likely I am being entertained by an artist that's seen so many advertisements they cannot tell what's real from what's specifically designed to make you want to buy a product.
Also, I have serious doubts the artist has any idea who the guy on the middle shirt is. It is, of course, the famous vampire slayer, Blade.
And then suddenly Sonic was wearing a bra and panties, a sentence that has launched hundreds of sexy works of Sonic fan fiction over the past quarter century. I thought he liked his Blade t-shirt. Apparently he's extremely fickle. Isn't that just like a male hedgehog dressed as a woman? Sorry, that was completely mishedgehogynistic. I apologise.
There just seems to be something about the hedgehog and his friends that cause even the most innocent young fan artists to gradually shift from drawing Sonic and Amy holding hands to Sonic and Amy ****ing their ****s with ****s. I'm just randomly placing asterisks, but you get the idea. One minute you're drawing Sonic on the Toilet...
...the next you're drawing rabbits in stripper garb. I believe Monakokko was going for Playboy bunnies here, so at least they are classy strippers, but there's definitely a sexual element that feels completely misplaced yet strangely fascinating.
This picture gets better when you realise that Cream and Vanilla are a mother/daughter team.
And then you realise Cream the Rabbit is only six years old, and it gets much, much worse.
Many fan artists enjoy exploring the romantic possibilities of Sonic and friends. Some of them, like JayFoxFire here, aren't content to pair everybody's favourite borderline porcupine with folks from his own franchise, so we end up with works like this. I'm not sure James Earl Jones would approve.
Hell, I'm not sure I approve. First off, Disney characters and Sonic characters should not mix. Also, Simba has a girlfriend, even if he doesn't realise it at this pre-Timon and Pumba stage in his life. And where is Amy Rose? I imagine she's the incredibly jealous type, and would have none of this.
Note that I spent 15 minutes making sure this picture did not contain exposed animal penis before adding it to this post. This is just one of the many entertaining things I do for a living.
Oh, there's Amy Rose. No wonder she's cool with the Sonic / Simba sandwich. She's got a little Disney princess of her own. This piece comes from deviant artist ss2sonic, who also does anthropomorphic My Little Pony art and has Rocket Raccoon as his user icon. I approve.
Remember when I said Disney and Sonic characters should not mix? That doesn't count here. This is perfectly fine.
This has been your typical male internet user minute.
And then there are those that love Sonic so much they can't imagine him with anyone else. "This is Sonics Girlfriend She looks pretty sweet and shes me" reads the description of this piece from Fanpop, uploaded by someone named Candy Lily. Someone incredibly lonely.
This is the Sonic fan art equivalent of writing yourself into a work of Star Trek fan fiction as a young ensign that is sent to sick bay for a routine checkup and ends up making passionate love to Doctor Beverly Crusher for hours, her fiery cinnamon stick hair plastered across my sweaty chest. HIS sweaty chest. Not mine. No, no, never mine.
I'm sure this was just an innocent crush. Some young child, barely old enough to understand image ratios, enraptured by her favourite character to the point where she imagined the two of them together, hanging out at the shopping centre, maybe kissing in order to bring the hero back from the dead in 2006's Sonic the Hedgehog game. What could possibly be the harm in that?
Oh god. I told you she seemed like the jealous type.
That's about all I can take of Freaky Fan Art this week. I'd like to think we all had a good time, and maybe we learned a little about ourselves in the process.
If not, there's always next week. If you want to see a specific game or franchise featured in Freaky Fan Art, use the comment system for its intended purpose.