Baby-Proofing Tips For Gamers

Meet Seamus. Seamus wants to eat my delicious PlayStation 3 while strangling himself with the network cables coming out of my internet router. But Seamus has been thwarted by the power of the reverse baby gate.

Every day, people spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on items meant to protect their tiny sex-by-products from the sinister everyday household items that would do them harm. Do any of them stop and think about the electronics?

I spent a couple thousand dollars on the items hiding behind that colourful baby gate. My twin sons, on the other hand, were technically free. Sure, there were hospital bills and such, but they would have shown up anyway. It's the nature of reverse Thunderdome (best pet name ever): One man enters, two men leave.

Seamus has been fascinated by the blinking lights of the entertainment centre since he came home nine months ago. Whereas his brother Archer is content in sitting in the middle of the floor trying to get his hands inside his diaper, Seamus is an infant technophile. It's like I've been split in half and reconstituted in baby form.

Recently Seamus has started climbing and crawling and the first place he climbs and crawls is right over to the entertainment centre, where he stuffs the PlayStation 3 USB cable in his mouth, ejects discs and occasionally resets the entire system. He's also been known to kill my internet connection by attempting to eat the router. He never touches the Wii. No one in the house ever touches the Wii. Well, except Archer, but that's different.

So I spent $US80 at Babies 'R' Us (a store that doesn't take in used babies for credit, I've found) on a colourful plastic baby enclosure that takes up my entire living room and seems to have been specifically designed to make children cry for hours on end. The crying hurts me. Who am I to suppress the curious, exploratory nature of the more mobile of my children? His father, you say? Tell it to the judge in my breaking heart.

So I decided to let them roam relatively free, but what to do about my precious, precious electronics? Should I buy a locking entertainment center? Should I put them all on top of the precariously teetering bookshelf I keep around to foster a sense of dramatic baby tension? Should I remove those crystal glasses and poisonous chemicals from the shelves next to the television set before worrying about the state of my game consoles?

Of course not.

Rather than spend more money or worry about those other potentially deadly objects, I just turned the gate around, protecting my electronic babies behind its colourful walls. If only they made rainbow barbed wire.

Now Seamus stands with his face pressed against the plastic, the blinking and glowing lights taunting him. Sometimes he cries for minutes at a time. Sometimes I almost feel bad. Almost.

Now all I need is a tiny baby gate to keep Archer from touching himself and the first chapter of the tell-all book they'll release about me 40 years from now writes itself. Chapter One: Our Father, the Hypocrite.


Comments

    Those gates will work for about another 6 months. Then their feet become hands and suddenly you turn around for half a second and there's now a baby dangling from a light fixture and giggling like a psychopatic monkey.

    It's fun though.

      also... I'm forced to assume that Fahey's kids were named for the reason I thought of first...

      http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lm1clfNEN71qbhzr4o1_500.jpg

    Oh yeah, I know how you feel. My 16 month old loves to destroy my shit

    Haha, I did the exact same thing with our pen, it surrounds the entertainment area keeping him out.

    I have a gate in front of my cpu to stop kids pressing the restart button all the time, but the problem is I need it open for games that create heat. Prior to the gate, I would be really into a game and then the machine would restart suddenly, I'd look down to my right and there would be this happy smiling toddler glad he/she got Daddy's attention.

    Supervision and teaching them there are things that little boys are not allowed to play with is working for my boys so far (2.5 and 1.) The only gate we ever used was to block the kitchen.

      Ditto. My 1 year old daughter knows that she can't touch certain things. I've also given her an old PS1 grey controller (cord removed of course) so she feels like she's joining in when I'm playing, but knows she can't touch the black PS3 controllers. This way she knows what she can and cant touch at other peoples houses as well.

    Never mind the ps3 kid, there's cat stain remover spray there. Bet that's tasty.

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