Well, I wouldn't say I regretted making the entry mechanic for this Mass Effect comp easy, but I will say that going through 20 pages of entries was... interesting. Thankfully, I feel as though there was a very clear winner, alongside multiple hilarious entries.
When I asked you guys to answer the question 'Why did the Shepard cross the road', I expected some top notch punnery, and I got it. I expected some full on story genius, and I got it. What I didn't bank on, was someone creating an actual game experience! That's why Puck is the winner!
Puck I made a game for my entry! IT’S AS GOOD AS IF NOT BETTER THAN ACTUALLY PLAYING MASS EFFECT 3!!!
You have to click on the link. It is amazing.
As always we had multiple great entries, and I've selected a few honourable mentions for your viewing pleasure. When top notch jokes have been repeated, I've tried to select the person who cracked it first!
TheLastQuestion Why did Shepard cross the road? To Geth to the other side!
redartifice Ooh, I have a funny one: Because – wait for it- he had tASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL
Wynstyn \ To punch a reporter in the face (+10 renegade) | To commend a reporter for a lovely report (+1 Paragon) / 3rd response…DLC required (800 MSP).
Matthew K Shepard knew from a young age he’d take on a role in the military, and joined the Alliance military as soon as he graduated from school. With his mother still in active service, it seemed like the natural conclusion. All he had to do was enrol in the academy and let fate guide his path.
It seemed Shepard was a born leader, and after graduating with honours and entering active service he began the long path, eagerly working and striving to the day that the opportunity for greatness presented itself. A war hero, saviour, his name was whispered in hushed awe in the barracks of his subordinates, trotted out in boastful press releases among the Alliance brass.
It seemed Shepard could do no wrong, even when he he seemed to be doing his best. He had a knack for pulling off the impossible, repeatedly. It would be a shortsighted assessment of his capabilities to say Shepard approached engagements willing to die for what he believed in, but it would not be wholly accurate to say that Shepard was always assured of victory, either.
Maybe it was a combination of these factors, combined with his military training and a domineering will to succeed, that led Shepard to victory time and time again. The person who’d become the first human Spectre, who’d be doubted by an entire galaxy when his new job separated him from his old friends in pursuit of a higher purpose and a threat that no one was willing to admit existed, lest they succumb to their deepest fears.
Shepard would ultimately unite that galaxy, the one that doubted him, not from a desire to be proven right, or even the selfless greater cause of saving lives, but because that was the job that was put in front of him, and Shepard would be the man in the right place, at the right time, with the ability to carry it out.
It all began with a single step. Standing opposite the Alliance recruitment centre, Shepard crossed the road.
Thom Because my current M7 Avenger is made out of timber off-cuts and sticky tape. I don’t have a joke. I just need this Mark. Need this. When I play with my gun in my treehouse I get splinters and then my mum uses a needle to get them out. It hurts. Also, she lives three hours drive away. Its really hard driving with a splinter in my finger.
I would use the gun every day. This is not a show-piece to me. It will be part of my daily attire. Shirt, jeans, M8 avenger. I will use it to rain death on my enemies, much like your hero William Wallace, who I am given to understand used a similar rifle. I will also use this rifle in seduction. Much like the mighty Krogan, I too suffer from a genophage of sorts – my insecurity and lack of charm makes breeding nigh on impossible. However, I imagine such a fine weapon will impress the females of our species no end. I hope that they might mistake my natural lack of charm as the cold disposition of a battle-hardened warrior. So let me ask you Mark – will you deny this man the cure to his genophage?
Lone Wolf Kotaku (US) has heard rumors Commander Shepard will cross the road in Mass Effect 3. We have placed an enquiry with EA to learn the truth and will update the story as it develops.
corey To painstakingly scan the ground for minerals
Joey assuming direct control of the road
TJW To empty Joker’s colostomy bag.
Chris 2.0 It’s a funny story, but I’m no JOKER. He had to GOTO the store and pick up a new T’SONI Playstation. He’s aiming to TALI up a high score in multiplayer. Whatever you do, don’t JACK him around, in case he WREX your face. Then he’ll get arrested, and a cop will read him his MIRANDA rights. But a LEGION of guards couldn’t keep him down. He craves the battle MORDIN anything. He takes out fools like it ain’t no THANE. He is a Spectre after all, ANDERSON of two badass Alliance soldiers. In his TAYLOR-made armour suit, he isn’t your average GRUNT. So take it from me, when Shepard’s around, you better watch your GARRUS. (Okay, that last one didn’t work out so well.)
lambomann007 Why did the shepherd cross the road? Well, it all happened in the kingdom of Zoongland, a land inhabited by sentient gorillas and ruled by King Kong the Gorilla Hearted. In the northern part of this kingdom there lived a young banana shepherd called Dwayne.
Right now he’s herding his bananas from the paddock with the broken fence into the paddock with the not broken fence. Oh wait, no he isn’t, he’s heading off to the monk sign ups, and all his bananas are escaping from said broken fenced paddock, pouring out of the hole in their thousands upon thousands, creating much chaos and nuisance and causing much weeping and gnashing of teeth, and coincidentally trampling to death an immigrant rat who just so happened to be carrying the plague, thus saving the kingdom from a small spot of bother there. Anyway, that’s beside the point; let’s get back to talking about Dwayne.
“Wait, am I the only one here?” said Dwayne who was the only one there.
“Yep, everyone else left after they realized that these are monk sign ups, not monkey sign ups. We do not go flinging our poo at innocent bystanders,” said the monk who was in charge of the sign ups, who has just proven the last statement false because he was in fact there with Dwayne and not yelling at him from a reasonable distance away.
“Why on earth would you want to…never mind. So, are there any tests I’m supposed to do, or do you just accept any random strangers that may or may not (although most probably may) have questionable motives?”
“There are six trials you must go through that will prepare you for the final, seventh trial. Once you pass the seventh trial, you will be accepted into our monastery.”
“So, when do I start?”
And then a giant pancake fell from the sky and landed on Dwayne.
“Hey, what the? What’s going on here?” said the somewhat surprised Dwayne in a muffled voice.
“This is the first trial. You must escape from underneath the giant pancake.”
“That doesn’t sound like a very orthodox trial.”
“Yes, well ours isn’t a very orthodox monastery,” which was true, but if I started telling you all about it now, I’d be going for quite a reasonable period of time, so all I’ll say is that any monastery that worships an Ape God isn’t likely to be that orthodox.
After Dwayne had eaten his way to freedom he inquired as to what the next trial would be, to which the monk responded by pointing into the air and saying, “Defeating that giant spatula.”
Dwayne quickly turned around and, lo and behold, there was a rather unhappy giant spatula behind him. Unhappy because some dolt had eaten a hole in the pancake he had been making.
The giant spatula rushed at Dwayne. Dwayne used Pancake Flavoured Burp. It was super effective! The burp melted the spatula down to a splod of gloop on the ground.
“Right,” said the monk, “Time for the next trial. Chariot Racing!” Behind him came two kangaroo drawn chariots, one of which had a bear in it. “That’s Brutus the Bear; he’ll be racing against you. You’ll be going around the track in the forwards direction and he’ll be going in the backwards direction. Whoever gets back to the starting line first wins. Ready! Set! Go!”
Unbeknownst to everyone except the bear, the track was inexplicably shorter going backwards than it was going forwards, even though that was technically impossible. But then again, so is a bear racing in a kangaroo drawn chariot. Dwayne ended up winning the race though, because Brutus got caught up at a tiger crossing (orange stripes on the road) by a horde of vigilante, plague hunting, escaped bananas.
“Next trial!” said the monk gleefully. A large glob of bacon flavoured syrup fell from the sky, presumably from where the late giant spatula and his pancake had come from, and landed you’ve probably guessed where.
“Ewwww, gross!” exclaimed Dwayne.
“And now another trial. Do a hundred pushups.”
So bacon syruped Dwayne started doing a hundred pushups. And then sometime later bacon syruped Dwayne finished doing a hundred pushups.
“Now, time for the final trial.”
“But I thought you said there were seven trials?”
“I did, but I can’t count. Here’s the final trial. You must cross this road.”
“…That’s it? All those trials were preparation for this one, and that’s all there is to it?” said an incredulous bacon syruped Dwayne.
“Right…let’s get it over with then.”
So Dwayne crossed the road. And then he was promptly run over by his escaped flock of bananas, because, as it turns out, bananas can’t tell the difference between the plague and bacon syrup.
And that is why the shepherd crossed the road.
Oh wait, you said Shepard, not shepherd…
Again, thanks to everyone who entered. Thanks for making me laugh multiple times, and congrats to Puck for one of the most terrifying things I've ever seen in my life. Well done!