This one was just too easy. I mean, who hasn’t imagined the characters from Suzanne Collins’s young adult novels interacting with the disembodied Mario head of Mario Teaches Typing 2?
Fan fiction author Pantsamander wrote this story back in 2010, so let’s dismiss the idea that this is a shameless ploy to cash-in on two of the most popular entertainment properties of the year right off the bat. The short story “I Made a Funny” is a labour of love and nothing more. Pantsamander doesn’t care that he spoils a major happening from the novel series; he had a story to tell, and by gum he tells it.
Let that be your spoiler warning.
This particular story features Finnick Odair, a character those only familiar with The Hunger Games motion picture haven’t met yet. Finnick is 24 years old, tall and blond, with bronze skin and piercing green eyes. He’s a heartthrob. Remember that spoiler warning? Last call.
Finnick is decapitated by lizard mutants in the book “Mockingjay”, but his story doesn’t end there. Well, it does, but not where Pantsamander is concerned.
Darkness was starting to impair his vision. He knew he was dying, but oddly, he felt at peace. The ceiling turned black- no; there were bright stars against the jet black sky. A breeze blew by. He was outside. How did this happen?
“Hello! It’s-a me! Mario!”
Exactly how you pictured that going, right? It’s like the author tapped into our collective conscious or something. I love how he allowed Finnick to slowly, thoughtfully die, instead of the abrupt cease of facilities I imagine goes along with decapitation. I don’t know for sure; I’ve not been decapitated yet.
Mario’s disembodied head cheerfully explains that Finnick has been transported to Star Hill, where the spirits of the dead go. The author’s faithfulness to the original material is inspiring.
Finnick should have expected it, really. Before he came to Star Hill, he had been dying. However, he thought he could be delirious, imagining he was in Star Hill with a floating, disembodied head. An annoying floating disembodied head. He had to get out of Star Hill, away from Mario, and go to a place where things made sense. He ran towards the base of the hill, but he hit a force field instead. However, a small creature with a huge mushroom on his head walked to the hill and passed right through the force field with no complications.
“What? WHAT? Why could he pass through and I couldn’t?”
“Magic.” Mario was suddenly behind him.
The sweet and personable Finnick had somehow found himself trapped in a peculiar sort of hell, in which a floating Mario head makes endless random comments. I believe that’s taken exactly from the back of the Mario Teaches Typing 2 box.
Mario was making random comments, but Finnick wasn’t listening. He just sat there, hoping Mario would go piss off some other new arrival. However, Mario just floated by him, talking about pasta all the time.
That guy and his goddamned pasta. I don’t remember Mario going on like that, but he’s Italian, so of course he’s going to talk about pasta; they all do. Pasta and Mussolini, 24/7. If only Finnick had…
Finnick was looking at the ground. There had to be a way to get Mario to shut up. Then, he saw something shiny on the ground. It wasn’t gleaming like the crystals, or luminous like the ground. It was like a metal object, maybe like… a trident.
My only problem with this story is that never once does Finnick type anything. He just dies, gets irritated, finds a trident and…
“Hey! I’m-a hungry. Have you got any food?” Mario said.
“Hey Mario, EAT THIS!” Finnick yelled, stabbing his trident into Mario’s face. The lower half of Mario’s face, thankfully including his mouth, disintegrated. Several of the other spirits screamed and ran, but Finnick just walked away like nothing had happened.
I Said a Funny [FanFiction.net]
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