No Way To Trim The Pubic Hair Of Consoles

No Way To Trim The Pubic Hair Of Consoles

In about a week I’ll move into a new home. My mother’s giving me an antique pine cabinet which she says is perfect to support my TV and house all my video game equipment. When I get home my best friend and I will carry over this antique. Then I’ll drill a huge hole right hrough the back of it.

No matter how consoles have evolved, every one of them today still has two things in common with every one of them going back to the Atari VCS: They still need power and they still need to get a signal to the TV. Though gamepads and headsets and Internet connections have all gone wireless, these two essential functions of a console still require cables and probably always will.

It makes for the ugliest feature, by far, of video gaming — the entertainment center: A seething kudzu bottom of plastic and veneered particle board that, I swear, actively entangles itself. Even with just a single console left plugged in as I write this, plus a cable box, modem and wireless router, the back of my soon-to-be-junked entertainment centre still looks like C-3PO’s pubic hair.

Now imagine adding in a PlayStation 2, PlayStation 3, Wii (don’t forget the sensor bar), original Xbox, Kinect, PlayStation Eye, HD-PVR for video capturing, four-way signal switcher and a transmitter for my — final irony — wireless headphones.

I realise I’m an extreme case and that preceding paragraph may be seen as a passive-aggressive way of bragging about my setup. (Which, full disclosure, I f**king paid for out of my own pocket. You guys think we get all this s**t for free. That’s the games we get for review. Hardware, nope. Or at least, I didn’t.) However awesome it sounds to have that much interactive entertainment shoehorned into roughly 1.4m², let me assure you it is a pure bitch when it’s time to pack up and move.

The last time I ranted about hardware features, the solution was simple: Don’t f**king put capacitive eject buttons on a console. Here, there seems to be no way out for the foreseeable future. We’re coming to a new console generation in which digital distribution will likely inform the conveniences (and drawbacks) of whatever entertainment it serves.

What’s hilarious to me is that all these stupid stock photos of attractive young professionals playing their “Call of Duty” on their “Wii” in their loft apartments already depict such an utterly utopian future. Cables in any kind of console marketing, especially if it involves Kinect, are like pubic hair in Japanese Playboy: Painstakingly concealed by law, even if it requires uncomfortable posing or airbrushing. I realise that’s two pubic hair references in the same post. You’ll live.

The idea of owning this nice pine cabinet, which I think was owned by my great-grandfather who was related to Martha Washington, Pocahontas and Robocop, scares the crap out of me. Mom’s given me permission to do whatever I need to it, up to and including that frightening toothed cone that cores out a huge circle. I really can’t see this ending in anything other than splinters and trans-generational disappointment.

So it’s at this point where PC gamers are probably laughing themselves hoarse, and yes, that probably the most optimal setup. I’m a Mac user, however. And my new desk is the rolltop from my father’s office when he was a newspaper publisher. It’s a tremendous honour that I’ll soon be writing for Kotaku from that. We’ll set that up in my office in my home sometime next week. I’ll put my computer where his old Royal typewriter was.

Then I’ll drill a hole through the back and plug it in.

Hey folks, Something Negative is a rant. Love it or hate it, we all need to blow off steam. Let yours out in the comments.


      • Ancient Greek statues often have small penises. Small penises were fashionable in those times, if you can believe it.

        • The reason they have small packages is so people won’t stare at them and will look at the statues as a whole instead. If you had statues with a big wang, all people would be looking at would be the dangly bits

    • Nothing. That’s how the Greeks liked em’. Thought that big, or even average, ones were a trait of barbarianism.

    • I’m pretty sure if I were wrestling a python naked, my fella wouldn’t be wanting to be making too much of himself.

  • I believe they will move to a wireless hdmi standard at some point in the near future but power cables will likely stay until we get some kind of induction mat to rest them on or a whole house induction coil

  • So, to summarise:

    -You think power/VGA cables are ugly

    -You want someone (?) to do something (?) about it

    -You, however, admit that until they invent the wireless power supply, nothing can be done about SYSTEMS HAVING TO HAVE CABLES

    -You are apparently insecure of the fact that you get video games for free, and try to prove yourself as a ‘real gamer’ by buying an elaborate gaming set up

    Can I have the last five minutes of my life back?

  • “these two essential functions of a console still require cables and probably always will.”

    My god are you stupid. You really believe that Owen? Really?

  • Whats with all the hate? I enjoyed the article.well written. Not much to it and admittedly unnecessary use of pubic hair which was like screaming sex to get attention

  • The problem with wireless technologies is latency. Our wireless controllers may be fast but are sending very little information in comparison. Wireless video must be compressed, sent wireless and then decompressed and finally rendered on screen. Also you may want to try these things called zip-ties.

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