I’ll admit, after watching the E3 2012 press conferences at home on my couch while drinking Heineken and using a spray bottle on my eight-week-old kittens every time they used my scalp as a scratching post, I didn’t have high hopes for the show floor. No Fable 4? No God of War 4? No Dreamcast 2? Pffh. Yawn.
I arrived at E3 about two hours late with an attitude that basically said, “OK, giant flashy expo. Impress me.” Needless to say, I have been impressed. But maybe not necessarily by what was supposed to impress me.
Assassin’s Creed 3 will be a Star-Spangled good time, Epic Mickey 2 looks stunning after finally escaping the evil clutches of the low-def Wii, and Watch-Underscore-Dogs appears to be incredibly innovative but will probably never live up to the expectations we now have for it. But bitchy high-school comments aside, everyone made a great showing — congrats! May the dick-measuring contest that is the Electronic Entertainment Expo never stop swelling.
Without further to-do, I would like to present some E3 awards of my own — but not for “best game” or “best shooter” or nonsense like that. No. These are much more important.
Best Cameo In A Debut Trailer
The tree branch from Tomb Raider.
Look, all of the video footage we’ve seen from the new Tomb Raider game is not giving me confidence that she is going to be anything short of a total incompetent whiner. We get it, Square Enix — you don’t want Lara Croft to be an unrealistic ass-kicking Barbie doll with a pair of pistols and double-D’s anymore because it apparently turns off women. So, I guess you’re going in the opposite direction: The new Lara Croft really, and I mean really, gets her arse kicked in every video we’ve seen, while letting out some of the most annoying girly squeals and screams I’ve ever heard.
But after everything that takes this girl out — explosions, enemies with arrows, falling from heights, barrels, sharp rocks — I could not have laughed more when a tree branch puts her on her face. A tree branch. Sticking out of the ground. Really, Lara? You’re trying to survive in a dangerous, wild environment and you can’t even pick up your feet four inches? You’re a mean one, tree branch. Thank you.
Most Convenient Parking Spot
Halo 4’s Life-Size Warthog
With expo parking ranging from $US15 a day to a whopping $US40, it pays to be an armoured vehicle with a mounted gun. You can drive that thing anywhere — who’s going to stop you? No parking attendant is going to give a ticket to something that can run over their house.
Best Resurrection of a ’90s Song
Will Smith’s “Wild, Wild West” used in Just Dance 4
The Twitterverse “went wild” as soon as Just Dance 4 came on the scene at the Ubisoft press conference, where a bunch of cute girls started dancing to the 1999 hit song, “Wild, Wild West”. God bless you, Ubisoft. I haven’t been able to bust out my bow-legged rodeo dance moves until I was forced to perform that same Will Smith song at a dance recital when I was 13.
Laziest Booth Babe Costume
Tie: The Crave Girls and the Dead or Alive 5 Girls
I love booth babes — more so looking at them than actually conversing with them. This year, we had some really cute costumes that obviously took a lot of effort to put together, and I was wow’d. These include the Lollipop Chainsaw girl, the girls from Wargaming, and the armored-up models over at Dungeons & Dragons: Neverwinter. But, alas, for every great costume there are five terrible ones.
The Crave booth babes were basically in boring blue bikinis, and even worse, the Dead or Alive 5 girls were in black t-shirts, black shorts, and sparkly rhinestone belts worthy of a Glen Campbell song. With all of the females in the Dead or Alive games, you couldn’t even give us some boobalicious cosplay? Highly disappointed. I at least hoped to see volleyballs in this new DOA fighting game.
Best Free Food Giveaway at a Booth
The human flesh at Telltale’s “Walking Dead” booth
OK, fine, it wasn’t human flesh. It was turkey flesh. My buddy Alan Johnson from Telltale Games invited me into the Walking Dead demo area while promptly handing me a giant turkey leg attached to a prosthetic human hand. He whispered that they also had bath salts in the back, but I passed.
Best Depiction of Bestiality in a Logo
Resident Evil 6.
The six looks like a giraffe getting a BJ. I’m sorry you can’t unsee it, but it had to be said.
Biggest C-Tease Trailer
LocoCycle from Twisted Pixel
It’s safe to say I’ve been looking forward to the next game announcement from my pals over at Twisted Pixel more than anyone, so when that shiny, beautiful bike sex’d up my computer screen during the Microsoft press conference, I drooled a little.
Something about Kung-Fu motorcycles? Give us more, Twisted Pixel, you tease!
Most Anticipated Game That Turned Up “MIA”
The Last Guardian from Sony
Team Ico is still keeping The Last Guardian all to themselves, making me wonder if it really exists or is just some giant hoax, like that time Paul McCartney died. The game was a no-show at E3 due to “technical difficulties.” What, did the dog-bird eat the kid or something? No one cares about God of War: Play This Until God of War 4 Comes Out. We want The Last Guardian!
Best Use of a Free Lanyard
Nintendo and my two kittens
Turns out my brand new kittens, Maddox and Milo LOVE lanyards.
However, they rejected the Sony lanyard and only play with the Nintendo lanyard, because clearly they’re too young to know better. Thanks for the free cat toys, Nintendo!
I had a few more awards, one having to do with my experience nearly running headfirst into Snoop Dogg with his bodyguard pulling me away saying “Git out da way!” but these were the ones I really wanted to share with you. I had a fantastic time at E3 this year and hope my sore feet recover before next year. Special thanks to NOS Energy Drinks for keeping me awake all three days and simultaneously eating away my stomach lining.
Until next year, I’m Lisa Foiles, and I never want to eat at an LA food truck again.
Kotaku columnist Lisa Foiles is best known as the former star of Nickelodeon’s award-winning comedy show, All That. She currently works as an actress/web host in Hollywood and writes for her game site, Save Point. For more info, visit Lisa’s official website.