You may remember we ran a competition a couple of weeks back? Well now we've chosen winners. [I will now wisely restrain from any and all 'a winner is you' or 'winrar' puns].
The question was simple — if Australia was to suffer a Zombie outbreak, where would it start and why?
According to pretty much all of you, an Aussie outbreak would most likely start in Tasmania. Or Canberra. Also, a bewildering amount of you know where our office is and suggested that the Zombie outbreak would start with me consuming too much Pepsi Max!
Anyway we have ten winners to select, congrats to the folks below and thanks to everyone who took the time to enter! Winners kindly shoot me an email and we'll get your prize sorted.
Trjn West Queensland. One of the mining sites will dig a little too deep, unleashing an ancient horror that destroys all that it touches. The few that survive will walk the earth tirelessly, unable to rest, unable to die. Right up until the point that the mining companies realise that they can be used as a source of guilt-free slave labour. Then they’re getting sent back down the mines.
Dean “It saddens me to report that this zombie outbreak has been traced back to those un- christian queue jumping boat people.” Tony Abbott future prime minister of Australia.
Neon Jackal Well I tell you what, it definitely won’t start in my secret underground laboratory, I assure you I am not messing with anything dangerous that will accidentally backfire and be released into the public, nope, completely safe. You know what? Forget I said anything.
Doc What? Penrith. Because Penrith.
Chuloopa It would start in a snooty Melbourne cafe – no one will notice as there won’t be a change in the moaning of those in their torn jeans coming from inside. Plus art-students are usually covered in red paint anyway, right?
Gz Perth. So we can have some actual excitement here for once.
luverly_5pam Before the question can be answered, we need to consider what motivates a zombie. Once we know what a zombie needs to fulfil its desires, we can start to deduce where such dread creature might first be spotted. Thankfully, it is a commonly accepted fact that most zombies of good breeding are desirous of but one thing; juicy, succulent brains.
So the question needs to be amended. We now need to identify an area on this fair island, girt by sea, in which brains exist in significant enough quantities, and of sufficient quality so as to inspire an uprising of the shuffling undead. Firstly, and probably most obviously, we can obviously exclude ground zero being located at or around any major football ground, with football crowds being commonly accepted to be particularly brainless. (Before the sporting fans get too up in arms, I should note that this is a code neutral generalisation, as the crowds of all football codes can be considered equally brainless). For similar reasons, Canberra and the various state parliaments can be also ruled out.
One area that should be given serious consideration is the campus of any major Australian university. The students of these institutions are widely accepted to have gained their places on the strength of their notable brainpower. Add to this the increased likelihood of inhuman and obscene laboratory experiments being conducted, and it is highly tempting to predict a higher education institution to be the eventual home of Zombie U (Zombie U of course being the tertiary institute of the dead, as opposed to the upcoming WiiU shooter, ZombiU). However, Universities are known for one thing other than advanced scholastic ability. This other thing is of course consuming copious amounts of booze on a regular basis. The frequent alcohol intake leaves the brains of many university students in a state of near pickling, and renders them unsuitable for the delicate tastes of the discerning zombie horde.
So, we need an area with numerous brains of a high standard, housed within containers that are ultimate paragons of clean, sober living. Clearly there is only one place like this in all of Australia. This is of course within the studio audience of the ABC’s hit mid-afternoon game show, Letters and Numbers. Like its British counterpart Countdown (a reference included to ensure the comprehension of our gentle Scottish overlord), Letters and Numbers appeals only to the absolute cream of intellectual society, those who also eschew the seedy vices of our base society. Now, it should be noted that I am not necessarily trying to imply that the host, Richard Morecroft is a zombie. Merely that in the case of an impending zombie apocalypse it is he that is likely to take the first bite.
The Zombie Apocalypse has already started in Australia. It started in the suburbs. Here’s one survivor’s story.
Zombies In The Burbs Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, ‘Cause surely no Zombie would ever come there.
The children were settled all snug in their beds, While visions of L4D danced in their heads. And Mum in her night-cream, and I in my cap, Had just settled our brains for a long summer’s nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter. I knew in my heart that it couldn’t be good, So I grabbed my best bat of nice, hard willow wood.
My cricket bat held in a baseballer’s stance, From out of the window I risked a quick glance. There were four of them out near the old lemon tree, I twitched back the curtain before they saw me.
But ‘too late’ I realised as they all took cover, “They’ve seen me” I whispered, “The whole jig is over”. Then came the knocking upon our front door, Till finally I just could not take any more.
If only I had a good scoped hunting rifle, I’d shoot them from here, it would be such a trifle. Or even a trusty pump-action shot gun, I could kill them all, it might even be fun.
Not owning a gun, I said “This won’t be easy”. (I’ll honestly tell you I felt rather queasy). “You never told me that it would come to this”, Said my wife in a whisper, almost a hiss.
We’d discussed at great length just how we might cope, When Zombies approached our house in their vain hope, Of getting us to sign up with a new Telco, Or power provider. We’d firmly say “No”.
But door to door sellers, as if on a mission, Kept coming and coming in search of commission. So, now bat in hand I crept quietly downstairs, And readied myself to smash their soulless stares.
“Tell the children I love them” I shouted in glory, I was sure that my end would come soon, very gory. I opened the door and I set loose upon them, An end to that damned door-to-door salesman problem.
As I sit here now in my quiet prison cell, I know in the suburbs the curse they can smell. And I only wish that I could have done more, About those Zombies who still knock door to door.
WilBur In any aquatic centre… All it would take is one exchange student bent on exfoliation, daddy’s bath salt stash, and a grand dream of the biggest ‘bath’ in the world. The unknowing kid would drop the salts in a pool and through an intense (and complex) chemical combination of chlorine, urine, sauna steam and drunken pool water, the zombie auspocalypse is well on its way.
Dale Thompson I’m sorry, but due to your region settings, this Zombie outbreak has had the “Low Violence” option selected. Zombies will be replaced with fluffy bunnies, chasing, catching, flesh tearing and skin eating replaced with hugs and sing alongs….. this is done for YOUR protection, as even as an adult, you STILL can not be left to choose what YOU wish to see. Thank you, your government.